I am in my mid twenties and my boyfriend is in his late twenties. We are both ready to start a life together but I refuse to live with his mom whom he cares for. She is only 58 and is mentally gone after suffering multiple strokes. He and I do not live together due to her living with him. She is bearable and even enjoyable for short periods, however she never speaks kindly of her son who cares for her but praises her other children who are nowhere to be found and offer him zero support for her care. She has severe memory issues and is not able to cook, drive, work, or help around the house. She has no idea what she’s doing but will have the same conversation for hours on end over and over and over. He and I both feel that she is a danger to her self but we have no resources to have her placed anywhere. Assisted living in our area is 4k a month minimum and we cannot afford it. Due to her being only 58 she gets no senior benefits and she has been denied disability despite her obvious mental incapacity. She is narcissistic towards her son and is extremely ungrateful at times. She cries so much because she doesn’t know where she is and has confusion surrounding her situation like where she is why she doesn’t have a job what she is doing where her mom is and so on. We don’t know what to do. He has been caring for her for four years and there’s just no end in sight. I know many will say I should suck it up and just live with her eventually when we are married but I have that boundary that I will not live with her because it truly is exhausting. I don’t know how he does it, she constantly makes messes in all areas of the house roaming free while he’s not home, she has fallen down the stairs, she has gotten rings stuck on her fingers to the point they had to be cut off and taken away, she’s cut herself and suffered other injuries that he has no idea how they come about because he is working long days to support them. Please if anyone knows anything that could help us I beg you to chime in. He is so extremely tired of being her caregiver and I can see his patience going day by day.
Don't become a frequent poster on this website venting about the latest awful thing she's done. Leave.
I know it sounds cruel and insensitive to someone who is in love and in a young relationship, but really you should move on NOW while you are young and can meet someone else. Don't waste your time. You need to be selfish, your future life depends on it.
Based on what you are saying she is practically invalid. She most definitely needs be in some kind of assisted living with staff who can meether care needs. It's unfortunate that at only 58 this is a sad reality, but in truth it is.
I was a homecare worker for 25 years and now am in the business of it. Your boyfriend leaving her alone all day while he's at work could be considered criminal neglect depending on what state you're in. He needs to call APS and report the situation himself. That he has to make a living and work so he cannot supervise and provide care to his mother 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
After he has done this he should bring her to a hospital ER and ask to speak with a social worker. He then will asl the social worker for something called a 'Social Admit' (be sure to use this term). He must tell the hospital what's going on and that he has already called APS. He cannot have his mother living in his house because she's a danger to herself. Then he gives the hospital the contact information of all his siblings so they can contact them to see if any of them will take her to their homes and caregive.
The hospital will do an assessment of her and will admit her. Best outcome is they find a care facility or group home to place her in so she can be safe and cared for. Don't let any social workers talk him into believing that there will be all kinds of resources and help sent to the home if he will take his mother back to live with him. This is a lie. No one will provide the care she needs to safely remain at her son's house. If he takes her home from the hospital, he is responsible for her. Don't let that happen.
Will she likely hate him and you for a while? Probably. She'll come around in time and if she doesn't you both will still be doing the right thing. She can't go on living as she is in her son's house.
You are being smart by not moving in with him. Do not even consider living together or marrying until his mother is moved into a care facility.
The book is cheap on Amazon used, as not a new book.
It is called Never Simple by Liz Scheier.
The problem with mental illness is that you cannot place someone with this diagnosis in care, nor can you manage their care. Mental illness often is misdiagnosed, and there are few treatments that work. This woman is not yet 60. She has a good four more decades of life, and it looks like that will be living with you. That wouldn't be my life choice. But you are an adult, and will make your own life choices for yourself. You are well aware of the facts. They will not be made better by having TWO WOMEN as female head of household, one with mental deficits.
I wish you well, whatever your decision is. I learned one thing from a sad divorce at the midlife. That is that you KNOW IN THE BEGINNING what will END THE MARRIAGE.
Often enough, you still make that marriage; magical thinking convinces you that things will change. I guarantee you that they WILL CHANGE. For the WORSE.
The mother has had multiple strokes. That's criteria for a nursing home or some kind of assisted living. If she is mentally deficient the state may place her in a group home with people who have similar conditions.
And if her condition is as you described, then I would have your BF hire a disability lawyer and let them handle things from there. It doesn't cost anything to hire one as they will just take their pay out at the end if the case is won.
And GOOD for you for not moving in with them. And I certainly wouldn't until your BF's mom is out of the home and placed elsewhere, as you don't need to be on the bottom of the priority list, which you will be if his mom is still there.
Since this woman is not working she can also apply for Medicaid and be placed in a Medicaid facility. Your BF SHOULD NOT be spending one penny on his mom, when there is help out there for her, i.e. Medicaid, disability, food/clothing banks, and financial help for low income folks.
Someone just needs to get the ball rolling on all the help that is available for her so she can get out of your BF's house, so you can both can get on with your lives.
She won't get regular SS disability unless she has ten years or more work history. She also would have to have been working within the last five years. She can qualify for SSI though. They don't need a lawyer. They need an APS social worker who will know how to go about doing all of this and getting the mother placed in an appropriate facility to meet her needs.
Good for you to have this boundary!
Your BF needs to hire a attorney to figure out her care by someone else going forward. I can't imagine how painful it must be for him to have watched his Mom's life turn into this with no hope for improvement. Maybe she will need to become a ward of a court-assigned legal guardian. He may also find out that if he is living in her house, if her name is on the title, it may need to be sold at some time and he may need to find another place to live. This is where an attorney will be invaluable, worth every penny.
Keep those clear and strong boundaries.
She is clearly a hazard to herself and shouldn't be alone. Does she have an income, any property, a car to sell so boyfriend could hire caregivers? Surely there's a social services agency in your county, and a health services agency that could help her and you. I had a neighbor who was a home health nurse for the county health department and paid visits to people in similar situations as BF's mom. Get busy and find out what services are available, Ask them to make a home visit and to evaluate her.
You and BF need to be proactive to get him out of this mess! Good luck in finding what you need.