He has End-stage Liver disease. He is sound, clear and lucid and has made his wishes known to the hospital, and nursing facility staff. He has switched his Med POA from one of his sons (he has 6!) to me, with his son as secondary. We have been together nearly 2 beautiful years. We currently live in separate states, but prior to him falling ill, we were planning on me moving to his state and living together. I was recently caring for him the past 7 weeks, and then he was admitted to the hospital; he was diagnosed, Palliative Care then transferred him to a skilled nursing facility (SNF) and he's most likely going to be discharged in the next week. Well, what I thought was super good relations with his family (he has 6 sons) snowballed in the past few weeks to ugliness where I was fearing for my safety (have 2 Police incident reports and a Civil Assist to retrieve my belongings from my guys home) as they literally ran me out of the house, and accusations, and spin doctoring goes rampant throughout the family. I'm shocked and my guy is embarrassed about the rude behavior his sons are showing. He just didnt have the strength to force the issues. And now as we're facing me being his caregiver, it's important we be proactive.My concerns: I want to ensure I'm protected from their ugliness. Because it is verbal abuse, and harassment at this point...not strong enough to make arrests! (Like I have to be assaulted? Before the Police can do anything?) I'm unable to get a Protective order because no physical assaults have yet occurred. I've consulted a lawyer who told me to record, and document situations. He owns his home, only name on his house Deed, he is registered owner of his car. And he does have a Living Trust in place. He loves his family of course, but their behavior is inexcusable. I feel, I need to have him Notarize his current wishes with a Caregiver contract, and ensure updated Medical POA is in place and its up to him to update his revocable Trust if he desires. What other guidance should I follow, to ensure this scenario be legitimate and sound. Short of us getting married, or civil union in his state, how can we remain focused on his health, where it should be, instead of the stresses that could only hurt and affect him tremendously. Before I get ready to fly there in the next few days, his Case Worker said that because he's of sound mind, his wishes are valid and there's little his family can do. I'm not interested in anything but ensuring his comfort and following all medical protocol during this time. He is not paying me for my time as his caregiver, he has promised to pay my airfare, pay my pet sitting costs, and all expenses while I'm there for him, for us including use of his car for grocery shopping, meds, appointments, errands, etc. Besides listing this, does he have to list a rate of pay? Meanwhile, I suggested once we have this in place, a mediation meeting with us with his family to show he should be the primary concern...and enough of this noise. We're all on the same team and hoping they realize how it's affecting their father. The continued bad behavior is pointless. Any other suggestions or areas we should address? Thanks in advance.
Later-in-life blended families have lots of problems with trust. The more you insist on inserting yourself (even though your BF wants this) the worse it will be with his sons. Is your BF terminally ill? What's his prognosis? You say he's "only" going to compensate you for travel and pet sitting, but what if his illness and your caregiving/management drags on? How will you support yourself without financial help from him?
The reality is no mediation is going to fix the mistrust and resentment that your presence creates, rightly or wrongly. I've known my husband for 48 years, married for 42. You having a long-distance relationship for 2 years means you barely know your BF. If you want to find a middle ground with his sons, then consider stepping aside as PoA but offering your help and support with their Dad since you're willing and your BF wishes to have it. You can still be compensated for related expenses.
I realize this probably isn't the answer you were expecting, but my husband is from a blended family and the drama, mistrust and tribalism can go on and on.
I'm also only mentioning about WK dementia because this would impact his decision-making. You stated he is "sound, clear and lucid" but everyone on this forum who has dealt with LOs with dementia know that it starts very subtly and spotilly and then gradually over time becomes more obvious. Many new participants on this forum will say exactly what you said. And they are most of the time mistaken because they're just at the beginnig of their journey with impaired LOs.
Please consider this possibility, although it may be difficult.
They are probably worried you will lay claim to their inheritance. And if you’re not, this is the time to have a conversation about it.
My late uncle had a caregiver/gf living with him for two years. She was paid 1500 a month in addition to living expenses. At Uncle’s funeral wake, she made the mistake of telling guests “welcome to OUR house” and compounding this by stating to family that uncle wished her to continue living there and being paid indefinitely.
You say, we have been together nearly 2 beautiful years, uh, no you haven't, you live in different states, that isn't together.
Now that he is dying you show up, become MPOA and state,...it is up to him to update his revocable trust...not on my watch you wouldn't.
I would do everything in my power to stop you from taking care of my dad and manipulating him to take what he has. Guaranteed he is not fully of sound mind to be alienating his sons on his death bed because of you.
If you really care and want to be there, you should sign legal paperwork that you will only receive caregiver pmt at the market rate and absolutely nothing else, you will give up any and all authority granted through POAs, otherwise you look like a gold digger at a grave.
Sorry if this is harsh but, what you describe is utterly gut wrenching to read and does not put a good light on you at all.
How many times in those 2 years, PRIOR to him becoming so terribly ill, were you together in person? In that time, did you ever even meet his sons?
Sorry, I can't quite figure out if you're a gold digger who is hoping for a financial windfall or just a glutton for punishment. Because a woman in her 60's who is willing to go and care for someone she is neither related nor married to (thereby ensuring no financial rights whatsoever) in another state, feeling that she might need a GD order of protection to be able to do the caregiving (!!) - well, let's just say that's not what a reasonable person would be looking to do.
As for you saying you're "all on the same team" - well, clearly that's not how his children see it, right or wrong. And there is, frankly, no way to be able to convince them otherwise. The only thing that might convince them would be time- as in the more time they spend with you, perhaps they will come to feel differently. But unfortunately, it seems like this man doesn't really have time in his favor.
If you're not someone looking to fleece this guy, then the only thing I will suggest is to go back to your home and continue the relationship as it has been - long distance, with visits. Because 6 against 1 are not very good odds, and you will be setting yourself up for a lot of problems if you are legitimately looking to take care of this fellow.
I think that you are not going to do well with this situation. You say you have been together two years, but you HAVEN'T been together.
End stage liver disease gets very ugly very quick, and I can promise you that as an RN. The medications given to attempt to control the toxicity and the confusion/delusions often leads to horrific diarrhea. In fact, until the only assurance it is "working" so to speak is this horrible emptying.
Are you an RN? At least a CNA? And what will happen when the confusion comes? Who do you suppose they will blame?
I think that this is not good at all with a family that is so far this verbally outspoken and violent about the situation.
You have a life, pets, a living situation, I am assuming a job where you are.
Almost anything you can imagine getting in order to give care, control of finances, care contract, etc. will likely be overridden by this family as soon as any confusion sets in.
They will have a good case to be made that as soon as there was a dire diagnosis you "swooped in and took over finances". There's six of them and they sound very unwelcoming. At the very LEAST you would require their help, relief and support; instead you may end very afraid of them.
Don't do this. Tell your loved one he needs now to rest upon the support of his family. Visit as often as you can. Be supportive, suggest you are there to help the sons if they call on you, encourage placement in are when it is needed.
That's my advice, but you must do as you think best for your own lives.
He must be very sick, and he may be playing his cards very close to his chest. Since you're not married and have no responsibility for each other at all, please stay home with your pets. Tell him you'll pray for him and his family, talk to him on the phone and tell him you love him, and plan a nice vacation where he won't be. If the man really loved and respected you, and if you really knew what caregiving a person in his condition actually meant, you'd have been married by now with all the protection that affords. The fact that you're not tells me all I need to know. I'm sorry, OP.
I know the family is hurting. I hate that there is strife amongst the brothers. One son was told a little bit of the Trust information, which set off a greedy firestorm thereafter amongst each other, & I seem to be the scapegoat. I am going to support my boyfriend, why do you people think he is using me? I really don't see how but then again, what he wishes, what I choose to act upon, are solely our choices. He has said, he is not trusting 1 son as somehow, that son, is scrutinizing all his money transactions which my boyfriend doesn't know how or why he has access. He is regaining his strength to the point he will address this with his bank. And, did his sons even figure, I utilized my own funds for some transactions (groceries, gas, home supplies). My boyfriend offered to pay my petsitting fees, as he wanted to since I was helping him. I'm kinda surprised that the tone of responses were strong & I can appreciate your opinions - we're all entitled...but honestly, I thought responses would have been more helpful. To say that I am being judged, is a harsh reality. I may be 2 yrs with the man, but honestly, I am a Widow, who was married for 32 yrs until he passed from another chronic Disease, COPD. I was my late husband's caregiver straight for 4 years. I understand that 2 years comparatively seems short. But if my boyfriend is sound, clear and lucid - distrustful of his own sons, that is new family dynamics that suddenly occurred upon his diagnosis. I'm sorry folks I honestly didn't expect the reaction here, & will continue to be proactive to protect all my actions & my safety to the best of my ability. I do not have control, nor coerce my boyfriend's decisions. I am sincere, supportive & loving as I can & am sincere! I may mistakes as we are all human...I do not need his monies, nor anything else but his love and care he has truly shown me. I end with, it will be a struggle. But that's what 2 people do in a committed loving relationship - good times, bad times & stressful, chaotic times. I just want him calm & peaceful to the end! He says due to their actions, he wants to adjust his Living Trust...not me
This family does not want you taking over any detail of their fathers care and management as he undergoes this terrible situation, I think you should respect their wishes and stay out of their way. Do not assume POA for this boyfriend and just visit him as you can. As his girlfriend and loving support system. Nobody needs to be a medical expert at end of life. The doctors, nurses and hospice will take over his actual care, not you or his sons. You need to understand how his family is viewing you right now....as an outsider coming in to take over. Don't feign ignorance on how this entire situation appears!
Best of luck making the right decision here for all concerned.
Oh oh and a big Oh oh.
Who is the general POA because that person will take precedence in anything at all including medical decisions. Means you can only operate to make medical decisions if he is unable, and you choose to do ANYTHING agains his children I think you are in big trouble.
Just add this to my other cautions below.
I wish you luck.
Take it from me, liver disease of any kind is no picnic to deal with.
I got duped into taking on the responsibility of everything. I thought his family liked me, but after he died; it took a turn for the worst. He died eight years ago. I haven't heard or seen any of them since. He left so much undone, and it took me a year to straighten up the messes he left behind.
If you are not married, don't do it. You don't want to get yourself into an emotional rollercoaster and dealing with hostile family members. You don't want them to get physical with you after his death.
Go visit, but let his sons do the heavy lifting on this one.
Do not move in with him.
It's good that he he still lucid for now.