I am 65 years old and struggling with stage 3 breast cancer and other health issues and my husband of 17 years is 71.For many years he had no interest in sex with me at all. I found it very frustrating and emotionally painful at the time but he claimed he was impotent and couldn't, so I accepted it. Then all of a sudden 3 years ago he decided he was a nudist and now refuses to wear clothes unless he needs to leave the house. At about the same time as becoming a nudist he became obsessed with sex, masturbation and pornography.He has no hobbies and struggles to maintain friendships with other men. The few female friendship he has had also don't last as he ends up first spending huge sums of money on them and then trying to have sex with them. To be clear I do not have a problem with him being naked or masturbating if it makes him happy but I do not want to be naked all day everyday myself. In other ways he seems to be functioning fine, although he has become quite forgetful, childlike and emotionally dependent on me. He also has temper tantrums and breaks things if he doesn't get his own way. He wants to have sex everyday, all day long and walks around with his penis in his hand. To be clear he cannot really perform without Viagra so sex ends up being hours and hours and fiddling, with him blaming me for not turning him on. Definitely not what I feel like when I get back from Radiation or Chemotherapy or am trying to deal with the effects these treatments are having on me. My kids(from my first marriage) refuse to visit or to allow my grandkids to visit me anymore because of his behavior. He also is inappropriate with my 14 year old grand daughter. He hasn't abused her on anything like that but his comments and behavior around her make her and everyone else feel very uncomfortable.I spoke to our house Dr and asked her to test him for dementia but she says she cannot test him without his approval.It really is NOT funny and only those who are around someone like this truly understand just how bad it is.I'm really tired of people telling me I should give him sex when he want it. What about me and my needs? I feel physically sick much of the time and am the only one doing any housework or daily chores as he says he will help but never does. I have repeatedly asked him to masturbate in the bedroom and to put clothes on when people come visits. He says he will but the next day he's back to being naked and thrusting his penis in my face. This is a real problem and I honestly don't know how to deal with it. I love him and would like to make things better for him, but I don't know how. I have tried speaking to him repeatedly about his behavior and how it is affecting me and other people and have even asked his son to talk to him about it it but it doesn't help.I try and avoid him as much as I possibly can although living in the same house makes that very difficult. If I try and so something kind or thoughtful for him he immediately thinks I'm doing it to have sex. Which is the last thing on my mind. I'd really appreciate any carers out there who can give me helpful advise to deal with this. Please do not tell me to have sex with him or think this is funny because it really is not. Divorce is also not an option due to financial constraints.
That he goes into a facility? With his sexual behavior no facility will take him.
Do you want him to stop the behavior but remain at home? You can purchase anti-strip clothing for people with dementia, but who is going to get him to put it on There are meds he can be given for his hyper libido but you won't be able to force it down his throat. You will need an incentive. Maybe divorce is the incentive, if he remembers.
Also, discretely discard his Viagara.
If he's "spending huge sums of money on [ women ] and then trying to have sex with them" then he is being scammed and is wasting your assets so you DO need to protect your half so divorce should be a solution for you so that he doesn't leave you penniless.
If he has dementia, there is no cure for that. You won't be able to have it both ways: he can't change and you're the only person who can. You may need to leave and call APS to report him as a vulnerable adult. Or, you call the police when he is trying to force you to have sex.
If you aren't his PoA you don't have much power, even if he gets a diagnosis. I'm so sorry for your cancer struggle. Can you hire an in-home companion aid for him? A guy? Can you go stay with another family member temporarily until you can find a solution? You may need to pursue guardianship for your husband in order to control his care and protect yourself. It can be expensive and time consuming.
You need someone local to advocate for you so you can make your health a priority. It will be bad for a while but then once a solution is figured out it will improve.
You can't say that no memory care facility will take him because of the hypersexual behavior. Memory care facilities around the world see this kind if thing every day. They medicate a hypersexual resident with drugs that will supress their libido.
You're right that the OP will not be able to force meds down her demented husband's throat. She doesn't have to. She can dose his food and drinks without even telling him. People have to do this sort of thing all the time when they live with a person that has dementia. Hired caregivers have to do it too. Any doctor will prescribe medications (many in liquid form or ones that can be crushed into a powder) for this purpose to keep their anxiety, agitation, and even hypersexual behavior under control.
Once the husband is medicated and his behavior is under chemical control, the OP (his wife) can start doing things like transferring bank accounts to protect their money and assets. She can put internet parental locks on their computer so he cannot access any more porn. She can take other steps as well.
This OP is not in the United States. She's in South Africa and they have different laws. She can't get divorced because she's financially dependent on her husband and his insurance. So, she has to get him to the doctor and start medicating him to keep him safe and under control.
What you are describing sounds very much like dementia of some type, the obsession with sex, the anger, tantrums.
If you have another Primary Care Physician make an appointment.
It is part of every Medicare Annual Wellness check that a Mini Mental Exam is done. If the "house doctor" is not following Medicare guidelines that might be a cause for concern.
If you have the ability to have separate bedrooms I would do that and make sure you have a lock on your door.
Also if YOUR doctor is unaware of what you are going through at home please inform them as that can have an impact on your care.
I'm well aware that his behavior is typical of someone with Dementia. I personally am not a physician and cannot diagnose him.
In South Africa we either are private patients, i.e. we have a Medical Aid (similar to Health Insurance in the USA) that we (or in my case my husband) pays monthly, or we are reliant on the Government run hospitals which are seriously under resourced and an appointment to see a physician of any kind can take weeks or even months.
The waiting time to see an oncologist is 14 months.
He needs to be seen by a neurologist to get a diagnosis ASAP. And he definitely needs to kept away from your poor granddaughter, as your husband is now a pervert and there's no telling what he may try to do to her.
I do find it heartbreaking that you seem ok in the fact that your pervert husband is spending time and money with/on other woman. No wife should tolerate that ever!
Being obsessed with sex is very common with folks suffering from dementia, and thank God there are medications to help curb your husbands sexual appetite, so get him in to see one sooner than later.
And I know that you say divorce isn't an option, but I would certainly talk to a divorce lawyer to find out exactly what your options are. It may not be a bleak as you think.
Best wishes in getting your husband seen by the right doctor soon, as you certainly don't need this added stress to interfere with your healing.
I have seen a divorce attorney and that is how I know divorce is not a practical solution. I cannot afford to pay for my own cancer treatment and I will lose the benefit if we get divorced.
My business closed down during Covid and I am now financially dependent on him and his income.
I am NOT in denial about his mental state, which is why I asked our GP to send him for Dementia tests. He refuses to be tested and therefor also refuses to go see a neurologist.
Exactly how do you suggest I stop him from seeing other women? I have stage 3 cancer and am dealing with several other physical conditions. He's a 6'4" grown man.
I do not let him near my grand children but I do still have contact and regularly see them and my children.
I truly hope you never find yourself in the situation I am currently in because you may find that living the reality of it is different from how you think it should be.
Where are the parents of your grandchildren? Why are they not helping them?
Why are they not helping YOU?
You're being abused, and need to leave this situation.
Do you qualify to receive any Social Security?
Does your cancer diagnosis allow you to apply for disability?
Do you qualify for Medicaid? Placement in care?
The long and short is that you are going to need a divorce attorney. Question #1. is how to freeze accounts for division of finances. See to it that your SS check goes into your own private account. Begin to pilfer money out of joint accounts into a private one for your own protection.
Get a good lock for your bedroom door and stay inside your own room when not eating and managing the household. Do not cook or clean or converse with this man.
Speak with APS, your local Council on Aging, your physician who will refer you to a Social Worker to explore what type of help you may qualify for.
You are better off for your health and well-being in a shelter than you are in this home.
Of a rented room in someone's home.
To be honest, I would rather be under a bridge with a sleeping bag, myself.
No Forum on social media is going to be able to assist you. Your help will come from your community. I have given you some ideas to exhaust, but I am clueless what you can do otherwise. Start with your Medical Team and APS to explore ALL options. I have just dealt with my second breast cancer in 40 years, triple negative. That's lightweigh compared to with what you are dealing with in your home to be honest.
If you are a person of faith you now need your faith-based community and your pastor/priest/minister badly.
I wish you the best.
My mother shared a story about her friend who was found crawling around on the roof on her apartment building because her husband was trying to force her. Mom wrapped up her friend and took her inside. Back then, women were to afraid to call the police and suffered years of abuse. Her friend eventually cracked up from the abuse and saw a therapist until she died.
I read that you want to make things better for him. What about making things better for yourself? And what about your poor granddaughter being exposed to this craziness? I know you love this man, but he has changed. Now it's time to show tough love.
As far as masturbating and running around the house with no clothes on, I would tell him to stop this nonsense and put on some clothes. When he starts with the tantrums and screaming fits, call the police. From what I've read here, it sounds like he saves this craziness for you to have to deal with.
Please tell your oncologist what's going on. One thing about abusers, is that they will isolate their victims. Don't let fear or embarrassment keep you from protecting yourself and your grandchildren. Get the law involved.
I wouldn't give a rat's a$$ if he has dementia or not at this point. Sounds more like dirty old man syndrome.
Lots of men use porn as a release. And yes, some of them become violent when they can't get their sexual release and supply. Sounds like your husband has a sexual impulse disorder. If he has enough sense to put on clothes when leaving home or company comes over, he still has some wits about himself.
Don't allow yourself to become a prisoner in your own home.
There is a such thing as consensual sex. If you are not wanting to have sex, it is not consensual. This is not about marital duty and other crap you may hear. This is sexual abuse and will fall under domestic abuse whether the man is sane, mentally ill or has dementia. Please get yourself out of harms way and focus on your cancer treatment and recovery.
I would desperately like to divorce him and live a peaceful life. Financially that is not possible for me as it will leave me homeless without medical support and reliant on a very broken health system where the waiting time to see an oncologist is about 14 months.
We are married under Antenuptial Contract under South African law which means that if we get divorced I will literally be left with nothing.
When we got married I had a thriving business, which went under during Covid, so this all didn't seem like a problem then. But life changes and sometimes unforeseen things happen.
I guess if you live in America these problems seem like "victim mentality" but we are not all that lucky. Many countries in the world, including South Africa are still very patriarchal and unfair.
I did try and report him to the local police for rape a few months ago and got shamed for saying such a thing. Although marital rape is theoretically illegal here the local police do not regards it as "a thing".
I do find this site to have a lot of useful information so I will continue to be a member for that reason.
No, we may indeed not have any information for anyone living with such archaic thinking and stone-age laws. Sounds like, once born female there, you are done.
IF in your country you are so without any rights or power, there's no advice we could conceivably give to you to help, and I am so dreadfully sorry.
I understand now why people tell you just to give him sex; this wasn't a statement I could imagine or identify until you described your country. I am so sorry for you, and for every single woman in your nation.
Looks like I am down to one suggestion. Because CLEARLY in such a country NO ONE will EVER diagnose a man as incompetent. THAT would just be silly to even think about.
My advice?
Run for your life to your children.
If they will not take you in, then I greatly fear there may be no help for you, and that is a tragedy that you are correct, NO ONE in this country can even begin to imagine.
I thank goodness every day for the happenstance good luck to be born where I was born. I am so very sorry for you.
I would never ever tolerate such behavior, seeing some old man roaming around naked, exposing his junk, and pleasuring himself will not fly with me.
By allowing this you are part of the problem, you need to find a solution for you.
Children should never be exposed to this stop all visits with children in your home, protect the minors before you get in some real legal issue.
The man is obviously mentally ill, whether it be due to dementia or not. If he forces himself on you call 911 and do it every time.
Find somewhere else to live, with a friend or family member until you can get back on your feet.
The ball is in your court, do something now.
Your husband definitely has a Dementia. All I can say is if he goes outside naked then call the police. Tell them he needs to go to the emergency room for a psychic evaluation. Tell them you are scared of him because he tries to force himself on you and has been inappropriate with a 14 yr old. He rages and has thrown things. If this can happen where you live, don't allow him back into the home. Tell the hospital that you cannot care for him because you have your own health problems plus you are afraid he will hurt you.
As far as I know, we have no South Africans on this forum. We are mostly from the US. Our health system and laws are much different than yours. Maybe you need a lawyer to have your husband forced to get tested.
If he's walking around naked and behaving inappropriately towards you and other women that's a crime. If he's walking around naked and sexualizing a 14 year old girl (your grandaughter) that's a felony crime. Or at least it is in the United States. I'm sure it's a crime where you are too. Call his doctor. ALso call the police if he's getting aggressive or going out naked.
My guess is your husband probably has dementia of some kind and hypersexuality is common with it. TAKE THE VIAGRA AWAY!!! Then fill the bottle with blue Tic Tacs or sugar pills. Or ask his doctor if there's any medication available that will kill his libido that look like Viagra pills.
Tell your husband's doctor what's going on. That his continuing to prescribe Viagra he is enabling your husband to now be a sexual predator who walks around naked, masturbating non-stop, and is also accosting your 14 year old granddaughter. He will likely stop prescribing the Viagra. Also tell him that your husband likely has dementia and can he do any testing.
If the doctor doesn't help, then you need to get away from him. You don't have to live with the abuse you live in. Your own health and recovery has to be the number one priority for you and nothing or no one else. Good luck to you and I wish you healing and good health.
However, op says the man keeps going whether he has an erection or not. There have after all been men with removed testicles that continue demanding sexual activity after all.
I pray his penis dries up and falls off. And that your cancer goes into remission 100%. And that God grants you a miracle to get out of the horrible situation you're in and to a beautiful place of the calm, serenity and happiness you deserve.
I agree with the others that he needs his Doctor to provide chemical control for his sex obsession. Find some vitamins that resemble Viagra. I would be scared every day from his horrible behavior. Being a big guy, I fear he will try to rape you.
Do you have friends or family to stay with if you obtain a separation? This is terrible as well as trying to deal with cancer. The stress will not help you at all.