I've been taking care of my 81yr old father for years now. After a massive heart attack, accompanied with Diabetes and prostate Cancer he doesn't care to live or eat in a way that's conducive to life. He is so ungrateful. He's always lived a life of selfishness. He was an abusive husband. He has 100 kids which he's abandoned all. Im the only one who will care for him. Growing up he always put me down and wasn't around much. It's like caring for a child who's always defiant. I can't even expect him to drink water in a day without monitoring him. He lives with my family, my daughter and my husband. Currently, I'm pregnant and feel completely overwhelmed and miserable. I can't put my pregnancy or family first. He has no real retirement money so any assisted living facility will be just above poor. Im trying to care for someone who makes it so difficult when he refuses to do the required minimum. He'd be happy if he could smoke weed, eat greasy food and not be told what to do. But if I put him in a facility I feel he will be dead in a year. I feel completely burdened and I don't know what's the "right" thing to do.
When you are a parent, your child HAS to come first. Next come your own and your spouse's needs.
Your parent is an adult. Most of us had parents who cared for and nurtured us. I never felt as though it was my obligation to provide a home for, or to provide hand's on care for my parents. The obligation to provide care does not work that way, in my opinion.
Why do you think he'd be dead if he resided elsewhere?
I'm sorry to hear how you feel. I know its hard when there is no validation and acknowledgement for your efforts. Dads can be tough.
Please know there are always options. When we start using words like miserable its time to make a change. Talk to social worker. Talk to the town office. There has to be options for your dad. I know no one wants to move to an assisted living or a nursing home. Given his age he could be struggling with dementia as well or side effects of his medications, so maybe that is why he is not cooperative. Try talking to him and see if there is any willingness to change. And if not, do what you have to for yourself and your young family. Don't be like me and let the anger and resentment overwhelm you and in the end affect your ability to continue to advocate for your dad.
Thinking of you and hope you can find a better option.
you are thinking about change, may mean it is time...I placed my FIL in AL 8 months ago.His health is not good, lots of medications and for the last eight months he has been on an even keel. The one thing that did change, is I visit and support him...I am
no longer on the spot 24/7 and subject to his bad moods or worries. My family did care for him for 7 years.. and moving him to another living situation, put me and my family first. I am no longer depressed and wanting to run away. Contact local senior
agencies and get help- and do not back down when he fight you and your family.
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