Social network, vacation partner, handy man. Now I have a family for the last 7 years. I don't really go on dates with my husband because she doesn't want to babysit because she hates staying home alone with my daughter. She wants to come over a few times a week to eat so she is not alone. When we go on vacation, she always wants to go. If we do not take her she automatically thinks we hate her. She is 65. No faith affiliation. No real friends. Only drinks occasionally and it is always a mess. I do have a brother but he never does much to help out. We all live within 5 minutes of her. My family has been the one that has been her social support system for as long as I can remember. Now, my daughter is getting friends and wants to do more things with them. My mom is upset she is not included in all of those things. I tell her she is getting big and we all have to understand that we can't do all of those things. She gets upsets and says we don't want her around. I am very frustrated of how to handle this.
Mom gets upset when she doesn't get her way. So? When your daughter gets upset to you always give in and give her her way? Is that really a healthy way to interact with a family member. Mom is an adult. You are an adult. Why on earth do you think it is your job never to let her get upset?
And she manipulates you with "oh, you don't love me." Nonsense. You know perfectly well that you love your mother even if you don't want her on all of your vacations. Don't let her drag illogical manipulation into your conversations. If the topic is "vacation" don't let her pretend it is "love."
I guess I am endorsing all the earlier posts about boundaries. And also suggesting you take a closer look at your views of appropriate family roles.
You have every right to want to take a vacation with your family without mom tagging along. If you'd like to invite her, great, but you're not obligated to. Same goes with family outings. You're allowed to go on family outings without your mom and your daughter is certainly allowed to do things with her friends without her grandma along for the ride.
It's up to you to maintain boundaries. It can be very challenging and uncomfortable but you are not responsible for your mom's entertainment. That you invite her over for dinner a few times a week is enough.
But , first, I feel your frustration and pain.
Here is the thing: I am 64.5--almost her age, and I can tell you that her behavior is not "normal" for our age group. It is TOTALLY CODEPENDENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your mom is not a bad person; she has some unhealthy expectations. These always lead to disappointment and resentment--but they can, ultimately, lead to acceptance..
Also, she has been "trained" or "enabled" over the years you are describing to have these expectations. And it is easy for that to happen when children are young. You are mostly at home; the kids don't have a life of their own. Naturally, she became accustomed to your company.
Now, are you sitting down? The person who needs help is you. Not because you are crazy or deficient in some way but because you are the only person in the equation whom you can control. You have no control over your mother's thoughts and feelings. That is her business.
A few years back in the midst of a horrible family experience, I began to see a therapist--with such success that I could only ask myself one question: why did I wait so long? I wish to this day that I had done it when my daughter was the age of your daughter. So, I would say, go see a therapist. You have nothing to lose and the whole family stands to gain.
Sounds like you have spoiled her over the years. Maybe your brother not helping very much is his way of maintaining some boundaries. Who knows? I would not worry about him or about your mother getting upset. I'd worry more about you, your well being, your husband, the well being of your marriage and the overall well being of your immediate family.
My wife worried so much about making her mother upset when we stopped letting her invite herself to go on our vacations. However, once that took place, our vacations were much happier.
I agree that you need boundaries in your personal life and in your marriage. I wish you well in dealing with all of this.
Let us know how things are going.
See All Answers