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I guess I can ask the care home where she is living what their recommendation is. Does anyone have any thoughts on this matter?


I'm very torn as my mother's admission approaches. We had applied to one place and were approved there back in January, but there has not been an opening there. It was our first choice because we knew friends and other families who had had excellent experiences with this place called The Woodside. However, my dad, brother, and I just couldn't wait any longer and found a new place called Grace Manor that was recommended to us by a friend. My mom is seeing her GP today as part of the admission process. We trust the friend who recommended Grace Manor.


The process has moved so quickly, and as I already said, I'm very torn. While I know it's the best move for all of us, I can't imagine our family home without her in it. I can't imagine not seeing her when I get home from work. I know I can visit and I know we can take her to church, bring her home for holiday dinners, etc., but it's still very upsetting to me.


Any thoughts from those who have time would be greatly appreciated.

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It is a difficult adjustment for everyone in the family.
Realize you are grieving a huge loss and let yourself fully feel it.
Give yourself a lot of self-compassion, self-understanding, self-love.

If I were you, I would 'hold' two (or more) truths concurrently:

* Feeling sad, grief of the change. A huge loss.
* Knowing / feeling reassurance that mother is getting 100% the best care possible.

In other words, honor all your feelings.
Give yourself time to adjust - if it might help you, plan your 'getting home from work' ahead of time ... so you have a plan in place. It might help you feel more grounded. It might 'just' be a time to sit and meditate, being quiet.

Here's a hug,

Gena / Touch Matters
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Reply to TouchMatters
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tbevan25: Prayers sent.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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It is actually fortunate for your Mom that the process happened quickly. My Mom got more and more nervous and anxious as her move in day approached. And she was the one to initiate her move to AL.
If this is a move to Assisted Living, and not memory care or a nursing home, then I think it may be best to visit daily for a while. That way she can feel supported while investigating the activities and meeting others at the dining table.
My Mom had me eat at least one or two meals with her when she first moved to AL. They added my meals to her monthly bill.
To me, her move to AL was similar to the day I was dropped off at my college dorm ages ago. I knew no one, had to get used to the new people and a totally new experience. It was overwhelming for the first month or so.
Luckily my Mom had friends who visited at least weekly.
If your Mom is going to AL unwillingly, then I am afraid I have no words of wisdom.
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Reply to JanPeck123
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I would hold off visiting for a few weeks, that is what we were advised when FIL moved to SNF.

It may need to be longer, but for your own settling in as well as her's - give her a couple of weeks to get used to the schedule, start to learn to depend on other people for her requests rather than you, etc.
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Reply to BlueEyedGirl94
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I think visiting soon would be good for your mother so she doesn't feel abandoned. I know it's a difficult transition when you'll miss her at home, but do your best to act cheerful when you visit do you don't make her doubt her new situation (or reinforce the doubts if she has them).

I know this is not your question, but from reading your profile and your comments, you are a working adult who has been living with your siblings and parents in your family home since 2020 in part to help care for your mother. I suggest you strongly consider moving out, either to your own place or with friends/roommates, so this becomes an opportunity to look ahead with anticipation, rather than looking back and dwelling on the sadness.

You'll adjust, and so will your mom. Give it a bit of time. Let us know how it goes.
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Reply to MG8522
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What does the social worker or assessor say about your first visitation?
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Reply to Patathome01
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It is not an easy process, but it is a very necessary and transformative process. It will take a bit for your mom to “settle in” - that’s the process. Someone told me 6 weeks was kind of a “magic time”. It seems to be on track for my unwilling, head strong, dementia dad. It has been HARD. I would absolutely ask the place you’re going to how your visiting is impacting your mom’s “settling in”. I found it to be best to be there just an hour or so (and sometimes I did what was best, sometimes I didn’t ;)). It was better for me to go before my dad started Sundowning, because then he’d get hung up on something (going home) that made him mad (because I wasn’t taking him home), “mad” at me and then made it ultra hard to leave. I try to have him associate only positive feelings when I’m there. I have found that helps his overall mood. My dad is a very social person, has always loved meeting new people. Same still tracks with dementia! I’ve worked at meeting some of those friends too which makes it easier to talk with him about his surroundings instead of only having my world to talk about with him. Again, it’s hard. A different kind of hard than I ever expected, but it is SO very good for them to be in a place where they are always safe, people are around and they are getting care. Give yourself, and your loved one, 6 weeks before to settle in. Again, that settling in is a process, not a one time event
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Reply to JulesD25
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According to your profile, mom is in the mid stage of Alzheimer's. Hopefully you placed her in Memory Care and not standard AL. Taking her home and on outings is generally very disorienting for dementia sufferers, so I'd not plan on it, but instead plan on bringing holidays to her in the AL.

I visited my mother in Memory Care all along. I never agreed to stay away for weeks to allow her to adjust or whatever. I helped her every step of the way so she knew I didn't abandon her. Do as YOU SEE fit and how you think mom would most benefit. There is no one size fits all approach to this, imo.

Best of luck.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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2-3 weeks is what I was told by several AL/MC facilities. The patient must acclimate themselves to their new home.

I did follow their lead and it worked out well for both me and the OP.
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Patathome01 Mar 19, 2025
Yes. Can even take two months or longer to adjust.
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You say that your mother "needs" placement; you have chosen Assisted Living. Most seniors going into ALF are perfectly capable of discussing all of this . You seem, however, to be describing someone who is incapable of discussing ALF, who would have to "adjust" ; that's normal to Memory Care, but unusual in ALF.

Are you perfectly certain that ALF is the correct level of placement of mother?
Might memory care be a BETTER placement?
Has the facility met your mother and assessed her, and are they already talking about what level of care she will require?

Just some thoughts from how you present this.
If your mother is overall mentally quite capable, then discussion will have occurred re this move. I see no problem with not making visits as frequent as you choose to make them. As she adjusts, gets friends, goes on outings you may soon enough hear, as I did from my bro "Not on Tuesday; we are going to the movies that day". "Not on Thursday; we are going to the mall for coffee". "Come in the afternoon; morning is our cottage meeting".

Good luck.
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