My parents are not eating well when at home. My mom has dementia, but it's not that bad. She also has has bad pain in her legs and back. This pain isn't well managed at home. She is in rehab now and eating better, in therapy, and her attention span and pain are better. My Dad is in rehab there as well for a broken shoulder due to a recent fall. He does not eat properly and does not manage his diabetes. He eats too much sugar and is a picky eater. My parents are better in rehab, but they are very independent. They are missing their home. They do not follow medical advice and will not pay to have meals prepared for them. I volunteered to move across the country, away from my hubby, to help them. My brother lives locally, but is worn out with constant emergency broom visits for diabetes issues and falls for Dad, and pain and lack of eating issues for Mom. I've missed lots of time with them in my adult life. I'd love to spend time and help them. My hubby is ok with it. But, am I walking into a no win situation? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
You say your parents are very independent . They are not . This is why they are doing better in rehab than they do at home.
Your parents also refuse to have hired help come into the home . This is too much work for one person , you will burn out .
Your parents will want to be in control of what happens at home . This will not work out . Caregiving needs to be on the caregivers terms . They will see you as the child and want to be in charge .
It is not about what they want , it’s about what they need . Since your parents refuse to let hired help in the home , then they need to be placed in a facility .
If they go home it will be very difficult to get them to leave when you get burned out . Do not take them home . Place them now . This could go on for years, you will burn out , your marriage will suffer or end in divorce . They will end up in a facility anyway , when you collapse .
Of course they want to be back in their home, who doesn't, however there comes a time when it is no longer about "Wants" it is about "Needs".
Your intentions are great, but in reality, this is will not work for the long term as dementia does not get better, it only goes one way, downhill.
There is no way one person can handle two elderly sick people in their own home. They need 24/7 care in a facility for everyone's well-being.
Your brother is already burned out and I assume he is not living with them, that tells you everything you need to know.
My mother is 99, soon to be 100, in AL your parents can live for a long time, don't assume they won't, you will have no life, this is not a short-term project to make yourself feel better because you were not closely involved in their life for some time.
I wish you the very best!
Of course they want to stay in their home....we all do, but sometimes that just isn't the best option for where someone is in their aging process. And your parents are well beyond being able to stay at home and if you go and try to prop up their false sense of being independent you are not only hurting yourself but are hurting them as well.
We will all at some point in our lives have to face the truth that what we want and what we need are often 2 completely different things.
So please don't let your parents continue to live the lie that they can live by themselves in their home anymore even with your full-time help, as all it will do other than propping them up is cause strife in your marriage and cause severe caregiver burnout.
Your parents are now in the perfect position of being placed in a facility since they're both now in rehab, so talk to the rehab social worker today about finding the right facility where they both can be placed in together, so you and your brother can just be their loving children and advocates and not their burned out and overwhelmed caregivers.
So to answer your question: Yep, if you are to move you are walking into a no win situation.
No matter what this is a no win situation because your parents are not independent at all. They are stubborn and have been utilizing your brothers and your help to gloss over the fact they are not independent. This occcurs with many elderly that want to stay in their home and are having their needs attended to by family that run themselves ragged. Take a very hard look at what your brother is doing and how it is effecting him. Your presence won't change any of your parents medical or living circumstances, it will just be redirected to you. Are you able and willing to do this for 10, 15, 20 years? Are you willing to sacrifice your and your husbands life?
With my year long journey as POA enacted with my uncle it has taken a great deal of time and emotion to just visit, organize his LTC, and deal with applying for Mediciad LTC with an attorney. I can't imagine 24/7 hand on in the trenches caregiving. No I am not being selfish, but realistic. I will not sacrifice my wellbeing to prop up an delusion of an elderly person when they have lived a full life. It is time that you and your brother look into assisted or long term care for your parents. It will be the wisest move you do for their and your wellbeing and safety.
If your parents are "independent", why are they so much better off in rehab?
Because they may think they're independent, but they are not.
They need someone to cook and clean for them, help with personal care and hygiene, finances and health care.
That is more than a full time job: for EACH of them.
Take a trip and be "boots on the ground" for a week or so and find them a good facility. Let your brother have some respite and get a bead on what their ACTUAL needs are.
DO NOT move in!
You are wanting to make up for lost time with your parents. Understandable. But this is not the way to do it.
You being there will not miraculously make your parents eat better or take better care of themselves. You're their child and in their house. You think they're going to do as you ask them? Ha. They are not going to take directions from their kids. As the saying goes, a castle cannot have two queens.
They will have little incentive to improve, because there will be you there, doing it all, and all the responsibility goes to YOU. So what if they get sick, fall, whatever? It's YOUR problem. They know you'll tend to them so no reason to change or heal.
You will not be "spending time with them and helping them". You'll be a nurse, maid, therapist, lifter, pharmacist, short order cook, counselor, driver, cleaner, schedule coordinator, and cheerleader for two uncooperative people. For months or years.
Sorry, but you have no idea what you'd be stepping into. Your parents are not 'independent'. They are stubborn. And if they are fine with you leaving your husband and everything else behind, they are selfish too. No loving parent would allow it. And at some point the husband will be tired of being left alone, and someone else may take your place. I’ve seen this happen more than once, from people you’d never expect to become unfaithful.
Your parents are independent-minded, but they are not able to be independent. Moving from a rehab into Assisted Living or Memory Care is much easier than trying to get them out of their home on their own, so this is the best time for you and your brother to accept their limitations and work together on getting them into a suitable place. You can arrange for a medical transport to take them, rather than trying to take them in your own car and ending up with a fight.
This is not letting them down, it is putting them in a safe place with better food served on a regular schedule, less risk of falls, and ongoing monitoring and treatment of their health issues.
Dementia only worsens, it never gets better. We here on A.C. have heard about elders with "not so bad" dementia who were refusing to use the toilet, wandering out of the house at night, or burning down the family home by forgetting the steps involved in cooking on the stove. Elders who hadn't showered in a year or washed their filthy clothes in even longer.
I have a suggestion for you, living so far away: go visit your parents for a week or two. A trial run. Take care of them. Cook for them. Clean the house. Remove all dad's sweets so his diabetes numbers improve. THEN decide if you want to move in with them long term, and if your efforts paid off.
There's only one way to find out!
Best of luck to you.
...until he isn't. He's "ok with it" right now because you haven't actually lived a day like this yet. Please read posts on this forum from well-meaning but misguided adult children who didn't put their spouses and families first. They are the priority, not your parents. There are other solutions for your parents, and you must accept them as such.
Moving away from husband to care for parents is an awful idea. A.W.F.U.L.
You will be caught up in a situation so desperate that you won't be able to free yourself without making them mad or making husband mad or making yourself crazy-mad.
As for the dementia, it's always THAT bad. It never gets better, and guess who will have to deal with it - you. Ever picked up a blob of adult poop off the floor of your house? Ever expected them to be where you left them, like in the living room, and you go to check on them and they are gone? Like gone out of the house? And you have no idea where to look because they're not even in the neighborhood? Ever watched mom eat her paper napkin, or you only find out she's eaten it when it falls out of her mouth in a sodden pasty hard knob? That she could have swallowed and choked on while you were clearing the table?
They aren't the people you've missed time with in your adult life. Their brains are broken. You won't enjoy helping them because it's going to be hell, like when one of them screams all night long and you can't make them stop. And then you're too tired the next day to take care of the other one.
Enjoy your husband. Move your parents to a 24/7 facility where a team will be taking care of them. And never ever consider taking them into your own home thinking that it would be easier and husband will be there to help. Nononononononono. Read a lot of posts on this site and you'll understand better.
You would not be their DD (darling daughter) but a caregiver.
Caregivers are hated; they represent all that is loss and all that is pain for the failing parent. Don't go there.
Your parents need several shifts with several people each.
To even begin to think you could care for these two, whose condition will rapidly worsen, shows a serious lack of knowledge.
My advice is to place them FROM rehab, which have a limited amount of stay time paid for.
The truth is that NO senior wants this. I am 82. I can guarantee it. But to not recognize you need 24/7 care and to allow a child who is in no way qualified to do any of this to throw their lives on your own burning funeral pyre? It is both selfish and a very slow burn.
I caution you to stay on the Forum and read. Read a lot.
If you take on caregiving there will be ZERO left for your hubby. In fact, a minus zero in that you yourself will be quite ill with it.
Speak to those doing this care to understand that this is or is not some way you wish to spend the next several decades.
You are an adult and capable of researching and making decisions for your own life. Only you will bear the consequences of it.
I am so sorry, but no one will thank you. You will not be the treasured daughter. You will be the advisor, carer, limit-setter, and you will be fought against with the last of their strength, which--trust me--will be strong out of their desperation and despair.
In 2022, I coordinated them moving to my town, 850 miles from where they were. Gargantuan amount of work. I would have preferred they move to a continuum of care place, but they wouldn’t discuss it.
NO WAY I would have considered myself moving near them, giving up my life, or living apart from my husband. It has been hard since then, but I have my own home, my garden, my husband, my dog, my job, my friends. My own life!!! Many write about how caregiving takes over if you let it.
My dad ended up passing away two years after they moved, with the last four months in home hospice. As for the eating habits, his only got worse. My mom’s mobility issues have gotten worse since they moved and her dependency has increased.
Think long and hard about this. Spend a few hours reading posts on here to get a flavor for some of the MANY things that can and likely WILL happen to either or both of them. Think about what you will be giving up to do this. Think about the fact that they will continue to age and have more problems and there is no way to know how long it will last. I didn’t see anything about how old they are, but it’s not out of the question nowadays to live to 100. I read a post on here yesterday about an 80 yo daughter and her 81 yo sister having to help their 100 yo mother to the bathroom at night.
There are other solutions. I agree with Alva’s advice.
Stubborn people do not appreciate the help you are wanting to give . Trust me I did it for over a decade. Like Alva said , you become the mean person in their life . I thought Mom would be cooperative because I was helping to keep her in her home , but instead it was a nightmare.
Your parents are declining , life is one loss after the other . They will be unhappy no matter where they live . Place them and be a visiting daughter rather than a burned out caregiver served with divorce papers . And don’t let your parents guilt trip you over placing them . You did not make them old and you can’t fix old .
If your parents don't have other serious medical issues you could be away from your husband for over 10 years. Does he understand that?
Your parents aren’t independent. They clearly can’t be independent and very obviously lost that years go.
Get back to us when your nervous breakdown happens. (BTDT)
It will take 6 people to take care of your parents 24/7. You can’t do this alone. It’s very naive of you to think you can do it by yourself. You are lying to yourself. Sorry to be blunt but it’s such a bad idea that I feel the need to speak in plain language.