How can I productively deal with resentment I’m feeling about the caregiving role that my husband has taken on recently of his father? The resentment is primarily directed at my mother in law (who is refusing professional and medical help) and just the situation- but it’s interfering with my ability to be supportive to my husband, and his emotional well being.
Background:
My father in law’s health recently took a sharp turn for the worse due to serious psychiatric issues, and he’s now requiring around the clock care, including at night, which entails helping him up from bed to pace or go to the bathroom anytime from 6-20 times per night. His wife (my mother in law) was doing it for a few days, but her stress went through the roof with frequently crying and anxiety, so my husband and his sister (who live about 45 minutes away) have been trading off days and nights. My sister in law has taken a leave of absence from her job, and my husband has taken multiple sick days. The caregiving is taking a toll on them both, and it’s clear this situation is not sustainable.
I have 4 year olds twins and a 2 year old, and with my husband away half the time (and pretty exhausted when he is here given the lack of sleep), the child care and housework is falling heavily on me. We both work full time and we’re barely managing parenting even before this health crisis, so I’m really struggling - I’m exhausted, not sleeping well, yelling at my children more than I want to, and generally not being the parent that I want to be. The kids are having some increased misbehavior (one of the twins just bit the other one so hard it broke the skin) - although I’m honestly not sure if that’s a reaction to their father’s absence or the fact that my patience and parenting abilities are so limited right now. My main support network (my parents) just left for 6 weeks out of the country.
My husband asked for my help to look into home care options, and I found a good one - but my mother in law freaked out and refused to have someone in her house and said she’d just do it all herself - which is not possible and neither my husband or sister in law feel comfortable with that idea for both their father’s safety (worried about a fall getting out of bed) or their mothers well-being. She has also taken to depending on Dr. Google for medical advice and won’t let him take the medication the doctor prescribed to help with some of his symptoms because of fear about a drug interaction (there is a history of a previous doctor over medicating him that she blames for all the health problems, so there’s a valid source for that anxiety).
I’m feeling resentful of the impact on my husband’s well-being and on me and my kids. The fact that she won’t acknowledge the impact on her son and his family - and that accepting in home care would e are the burden on everyone - makes me angry. It just feels so hard. But then I feel guilty and selfish because I know that it’s hard on everyone and my mother in law and husband are on top of that dealing with the deep hurt of watching someone they love struggle and fear about whether it will ever get better. I feel shame that i’m not able to be the fully supportive wife and daughter in law that would be ideal - effortlessly handling the kids and the home and providing an understanding ear.
So, any tips on how to deal with the resentment? I feel like I’m failing the “in sickness and in health” part of my vows - but at the same time I’m angry and struggling.
Do some quick sums about when DH’s sick leave will run out, and guess when SIL’s employer will run out of patience. Say that it is essential to have a plan to take over before either or both of those things happen. Put the burden on MIL to work out how she will cope when that happens. It IS her problem. If her plan involves continuing the strain on your marriage and your children, be very blunt that you won't accept it. In many cases it destroys marriages – which is totally true.
It is possible that MIL’s determination will be dangerous for both her and for your FIL. Sure, ‘her stress will go through the roof’ again. Quite honestly, even though that’s not what you and DH want, sometimes things have to get bad enough to fall over before new sensible plans can be made. If MIL insists on going it alone, tell her that it may lead to intervention from APS, because of her refusal to accept professional and medical health advice, and the risks to FIL. One bad experience does not justify giving up on modern medicine. FIL falling out of bed may actually be the easiest trigger for change.
Putting your foot down about this IS being ‘the fully supportive wife and daughter in law that would be ideal’. Looking at reality is NOT something to be ashamed about. Your legal and personal responsibilities are to your small children and your husband, and both rate higher than either adult child’s responsibilities to these two parents - who have other options for their own care. Seeing it from this different perspective is what you can give to everyone.
“ Stop helping , let them fail , this is how you get them to accept help from people other than family “.
Your husband and his sister need to put their feet down and tell their mother that they need to go back to work.
If the mother wants to try to do it all herself then her children step back and let her and they call APS . Something will happen to force a change either by the mother admitting she can’t do it and/ or by the children calling APS or Elder abuse hotline for the mother not giving Dad his meds .
You have every right to be upset . This situation is ridiculous . Your MIL is being ridiculous .
Shame? You are human. Throw that word out of your head right now. I think your first priority right now should be keeping yourself physically and mentally healthy so you can be a good mother for your children. In order to do that you need to keep your peace of mind intact. Taking care of kids, husband, FIL and MIL isn't possible. You definitely need outside help. If this means MIL is unhappy so be it. She'll get over it. She will have to.
This idea that we are bad wives, mothers, daughter in laws etc. if we aren't killing ourselves to help others all the time is ludicrous. Yes, being charitable is important but there is a limit. You can't help anyone if you are making yourself sick feeling guilty especially if you have nothing to be feeling guilty about.
Exactly! Everyone has a breaking point. Limits must be set.
Your FIL’s psychiatric issues are very concerning and sad, but my fear is his care if continued as is indefinitely could take out other members of the family as well. Interrupted sleep is *brutal*! How safe are the various family caregivers on the highways and byways driving home after these grueling nights? How are their blood pressures, blood sugars, belly fat, stress and mood? Any risk of increased substance use or emotional eating to help cope?
Things can’t continue like this.
If so, then they have the authority to override your MIL and call the pharmacist and ask whether the meds he was prescribed have an interaction risk. This is one manuever than may bring some immediate relief (and I'm hoping it's the pacing thing). You don't have to tell her what you're doing. She doesn't seem rational or empathic, so she doesn't get to have any input, IMO.
You, your husband and your kids are the #1 priority in this situation, not your inlaws. What are his "serious psychiatric issues"? Is it a mental health thing, or a dementia thing? Sounds like he'd get better care in a psych wing of a hospital until his symptoms can be controlled.
You are going to have to put your foot down and insist on solutions -- even if they feel hard now, they will pay off. It will get worse for a while (drama from hubs, MIL, sister) but it has to happen. It's YOUR house and YOUR kids and YOUR marriage so you need to defend it. Boundaries will be critical here and all along the journey with your inlaws. Your hubs needs to choose you over his parents. That's healthy and how it should be to have a strong marriage.
If no one is PoA for your inlaws... this will make caring for them exponentially more challenging. This should be a deal-breaking condition for helping care for them (and NOT in your home). Your hubs and SIL need to work on this with them right away.
Have your husband read this thread (or at least the responses, if you don't want him to see what you posted. But...maybe he should read it?)
As others have written to you, this situation is 100% unsustainable if nothing changes. If nothing changes, then you, hubs and kids will be the recipients of an outcome over which you then have less control. Make decisions and control it now before it impacts you and your family in a far more harmful way.
I wish you clarity, wisdom, courage and peace in your heart as you work through this with your husband.
Your husband needs to realize that he and sister cannot sustain this. He has responsibilities to you and your children. Maybe you can hire someone to clean. Maybe hire a babysitter to give you a break.
I have found that employers are not sympathetic to family drama. So something needs to be worked out and Mom needs to do some of the work. And FIL, maybe he needs a catheter. Maybe get Office of Aging to come in and evaluate the situation. Your husband cannot be the best at work if he is tired. He can't lose his job.
Resentment isn't the issue at all.
It is grief and confusion and being UTTERLY OVERWHELMED. It is TERROR!!!!!
So please, when hubby has a glass of wine in him, read him what you wrote and what we answered and then let it be an opening in which you get to talk together about all of this. OK? Take what helps. Kick the rest to the curb.
First of all, you're not so resentful as you are entirely overwhelmed and frightened.
Your MIL is as well.
You husband is as well. And your poor FIL is simply "gone".
But there are some realities here.
#1. This isn't sustainable. This poor gentleman's plunge into illness is impacting the lives of his daughter, his wife, his son, and their entire families. It is horrific what is happening to him, but it isn't sustainable to care for him in this manner. It isn't doable. It cannot last. It will not.
#2. We have seen people take on care that is not sustainable. Some few have DIED of it, or become very ill mentally and physically. Marriages have failed. That does NOT help the ill elder.
#3. As hard and horrific as this is to say, your husband's parents have HAD THEIR LIVES. For your husband to sacrifice himself, his wife, his marriage, his children on the burning funeral pyre of his Dad is not a good life choice for all involved, and it WILL NOT ULTIMATELY HELP the parents; it may in fact HARM THE PARENT.
a) father will not get the care he needs and deserves by professionals 24/7
b) this could well kill the MIL
c) this could destroy families and thereby ruin ANY support system.
#4. By your husband stepping in in this manner, by his sister doing so as well, this is ENABLING a delay in understanding that this cannot be done. To be honest I think that all on board here are going to know that soon enough, because even with the entire family there, this cannot be done.
#5. Husband is going to need professional assistance, perhaps a nurse case manager. Wife will need an attorney for division of assets, asset protection as husband now goes (almost certainly) into very expensive care. Your husband will be busy and that's a fact, exhausted and broken and needing you help in finding attorneys, visiting with mom, finding placement. EVEN AT BEST this is going to be a crucible for the entire family. And "BEST" means placement.
#6. HONESTY is now crucial, but so is GENTLENESS and KINDNESS. You MUST now calm yourself and the approach must be as unemotional and as pragmatic as you can make it, and as SUPPORTIVE. Women do emotion; men do "fix it". Both have their place, but emotion is best curbed for now. No energy to spare. You and hubby are now going to have to talk together, plan together, help one another, weather more sadness than you could ever imagine.
#7. On the physical end of things for FIL. Ultimately, sad as this is for your FIL, he will be blessed if he is taken before this can get worse. Be sure right now he is tested for a UTI. Just read a book in which caretaker hubby had violent wife in whom UTI hysteria was missed for a LONG time due to her stage 7a dementia. Be sure the urine is clear. You can test a specimen yourself with a dipstick from pharmacy. Easy and cheap to use.
#8. THIS WILL BREAK YOU OR THIS WILL MAKE YOU STRONGER. And I mean this for your hubby and for yourself and for your marriage. If you can take family leave now, at the beginning of all this, do so. I don't know how much working now with child care for three is doable anyway, but that's yours to know and mine to wonder about.
Minnie, my best wishes out to you and your hubby, I cannot even imagine. When my bro was diagnosed with probably early Lewy's we both prayed to the gods we never believed in he could die before it destroyed who he was. He did so of sepsis 1 1/2 years into diagnosis. I am forever grateful for that. I cannot BEGIN to imagine what this must be for all of you. I cannot begin to. My heart goes out to you completely.
You can feel sad about this, but lose the guilt. None of this is your fault, so you have nothing to feel guilty over.
Your MIL is going to have to get over being upset.
Your husband and his sister will have to hire someone and tell their mom that the free rides are over.
Your MIL can start paying for care for her husband as soon as possible.
What exactly is the problem with your father in law?
Does he belong in a psychiatric hospital? Is he a danger to himself or others? Could this be a reaction to a UTI? How old is he?
I certainly hope this situation is resolved quickly. Wishing you and your family all the best.
I think this is fear and desperation.
I think this is terror and horror and having no answers.
I don't think she is as resentful as she is terrified.
Of course I could be wrong.
Does your husband even acknowledge how crazy it is to have to get someone out of bed so they can pace for hours and hours in the middle of the night?
They are watching their father and mother struggle but need to realize dad is not going to get better, he is just going to continue to get worse.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. MIL is being ridiculous with not wanting to hire caregivers or place dad in a facility or allow dad to take prescribed medication.
See All Answers