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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
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I worked with woman whose husband had a near fatal heart attack when he was about 40. She fought and fought with him over what he needed to do. I think smoking was his problem. She finally told him if he didn't care that he died, she wasn't worrying about it anymore. Its his life. Maybe at 81 ur DH figures he can do as he pleases. What you can do is tell him you love him and will miss him when he is gone but not going to fight with him anymore. Also, that he is not being fair to you if he goes before you do and leaves you alone. Please, don't stress out about this, you cannot make a person do what they don't want to. Enjoy the time you have together. Very wise to enter an AL.
Why not change "resentment" to "grief" and "love". How about sitting with hubby and saying "I love you. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to nag you to death either. Will you help me understand why you don't want to make some changes to stay with me longer?" And guess what? If he doesn't want to make those changes (they are very difficult, in fact. For someone sedentary by nature to get to exercising is hard. For someone who loves all the wrong foods (and isn't that all of us?) it is hard to make that change as well. Some of us choose not to. Some of us actually make the decision that we will eat as much as we want and sit around because it is our preferred status, and eventually we all go anyway. Diabetes is a tough one. It affects every single major system, and often it does this no matter the hard changes. Try to make the changes fun. Exercise together can be walks together. But nagging just won't help, and it won't make him want to stay longer. Perhaps think of getting some help for yourself. A licensed social worker in private practice to do counseling can often help you to make decisions for going on with inevitable life changes. Assume you will outlive your hubby. Develop habits and things to do that YOU enjoy, and begin to do them. Prepare by knowing where things are and how to manage them. Be certain all paper work is in place. My partner and I have been together nearly 40 years, not the first relationship we had and we in fact each raised two children each before we even met. We are in our 80s. It is clear that we will eventually lose one another now, and that is NO MATTER HOW HEALTHY we live. We try to stay fit so that the time we have left is quality. But we don't each always eat or exercise when we should. No need to nag one another. We already know when our choices aren't the best. I sure wish you luck, but remember that what you are feeling isn't so much resentment as grief and fear. My heart goes out to you.
Does your husband have dementia? Did you always do for him?
What may help you from feeling resentful is to perhaps let go and stop thinking you have to accept something you don't like. Detach. I know it's difficult. Let him do what he wants. And, maybe more to the point since you mentioned you are a perfectionist in your bio, stop seeing his behavior as a reflection of you.
Also, let go of the idea of how things should be. It's tough to change and probably a radical evolution for you but I've got a feeling that you're as tough and as hardheaded as your man. Always be kind but stop trying to poke a hole in water. Use your strength to self-serve.
We are all separate individuals no matter how many years you've been together. Unfortunately sometimes that separate-ness becomes more distinct with age.
Does he share a bedroom with you? If you are lucky enough to have him sleep in another room close the door and let him snore the curtains off the windows. Let him do as he pleases, and be sweet as pie. You have to think as though every time you perhaps nag you are sending wearing electrical jolts to your own system. Self preservation is paramount from now on.
If you self-talk frustration, or if anyone says anything (about his non-compliance) which you may interpret as your failure please stop that way of thinking. Instead take a slow deep breath, smile sweetly and say you tried, but his condition and behavior is beyond your ability and he is destroying your health.
Give up your perfectionist controlling ways except on yourself. All your energy and time should be spent going whole hog on tidying your area of the nest and on yourself. Maybe that'll wake him up. Don't count on it.
Relax, and train yourself to stop watching for things to go wrong but rather think how you're going to fit in a mani/pedi tomorrow and a lunch with the ladies. The time you fight with him to use his CPAP you could be giving yourself a hair mask. "Honey bunch, would you like help with your CPAP machine? No? Okay, sleep well" and skedaddle to the other side of your unit and play some music. This is not war, but the opposite. The war is over.
If you and your husband are in a facility speak to whomever is the equivalent of a social worker there and calmly let them know that he needs more care than you can provide.
Deep breath, you don't need help, he does. You are now a special kind of Zen master. He doesn't do as you like, or as you thought should or must be, scr*w it.
Again, you may be resentful because you don't want to give up control.
I can imagine, no one will do as good as you, right? So what. If he doesn't appreciate or honor your efforts by no longer trying to help himself, and he is too selfish to keep from wearing you out, then tell him that he is your sweetheart but you're too whipped to be his mom.
BUT, if he has dementia and may not have any idea of what he's doing and regressing to a dependent person, you must let go of the reins and enlist professional assistance. All you have to do is make sure he is safe, fed, warm and clean.
You need to get someone else to pitch in. You did enough mama.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
How about sitting with hubby and saying "I love you. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to nag you to death either. Will you help me understand why you don't want to make some changes to stay with me longer?"
And guess what? If he doesn't want to make those changes (they are very difficult, in fact. For someone sedentary by nature to get to exercising is hard. For someone who loves all the wrong foods (and isn't that all of us?) it is hard to make that change as well. Some of us choose not to. Some of us actually make the decision that we will eat as much as we want and sit around because it is our preferred status, and eventually we all go anyway.
Diabetes is a tough one. It affects every single major system, and often it does this no matter the hard changes.
Try to make the changes fun. Exercise together can be walks together.
But nagging just won't help, and it won't make him want to stay longer.
Perhaps think of getting some help for yourself. A licensed social worker in private practice to do counseling can often help you to make decisions for going on with inevitable life changes. Assume you will outlive your hubby. Develop habits and things to do that YOU enjoy, and begin to do them. Prepare by knowing where things are and how to manage them. Be certain all paper work is in place.
My partner and I have been together nearly 40 years, not the first relationship we had and we in fact each raised two children each before we even met. We are in our 80s. It is clear that we will eventually lose one another now, and that is NO MATTER HOW HEALTHY we live. We try to stay fit so that the time we have left is quality. But we don't each always eat or exercise when we should. No need to nag one another. We already know when our choices aren't the best.
I sure wish you luck, but remember that what you are feeling isn't so much resentment as grief and fear. My heart goes out to you.
Did you always do for him?
What may help you from feeling resentful is to perhaps let go and stop thinking you have to accept something you don't like. Detach. I know it's difficult. Let him do what he wants. And, maybe more to the point since you mentioned you are a perfectionist in your bio, stop seeing his behavior as a reflection of you.
Also, let go of the idea of how things should be. It's tough to change and probably a radical evolution for you but I've got a feeling that you're as tough and as hardheaded as your man. Always be kind but stop trying to poke a hole in water. Use your strength to self-serve.
We are all separate individuals no matter how many years you've been together. Unfortunately sometimes that separate-ness becomes more distinct with age.
Does he share a bedroom with you? If you are lucky enough to have him sleep in another room close the door and let him snore the curtains off the windows. Let him do as he pleases, and be sweet as pie. You have to think as though every time you perhaps nag you are sending wearing electrical jolts to your own system. Self preservation is paramount from now on.
If you self-talk frustration, or if anyone says anything (about his non-compliance) which you may interpret as your failure please stop that way of thinking. Instead take a slow deep breath, smile sweetly and say you tried, but his condition and behavior is beyond your ability and he is destroying your health.
Give up your perfectionist controlling ways except on yourself. All your energy and time should be spent going whole hog on tidying your area of the nest and on yourself. Maybe that'll wake him up. Don't count on it.
Relax, and train yourself to stop watching for things to go wrong but rather think how you're going to fit in a mani/pedi tomorrow and a lunch with the ladies. The time you fight with him to use his CPAP you could be giving yourself a hair mask. "Honey bunch, would you like help with your CPAP machine? No? Okay, sleep well" and skedaddle to the other side of your unit and play some music. This is not war, but the opposite. The war is over.
If you and your husband are in a facility speak to whomever is the equivalent of a social worker there and calmly let them know that he needs more care than you can provide.
Deep breath, you don't need help, he does. You are now a special kind of Zen master. He doesn't do as you like, or as you thought should or must be, scr*w it.
Again, you may be resentful because you don't want to give up control.
I can imagine, no one will do as good as you, right? So what.
If he doesn't appreciate or honor your efforts by no longer trying to help himself, and he is too selfish to keep from wearing you out, then tell him that he is your sweetheart but you're too whipped to be his mom.
BUT, if he has dementia and may not have any idea of what he's doing and regressing to a dependent person, you must let go of the reins and enlist professional assistance. All you have to do is make sure he is safe, fed, warm and clean.
You need to get someone else to pitch in. You did enough mama.