My mom has dementia and can't walk. Her husband is an alcoholic on a walker. I have POA over Mom. Can I divorce him?

You are POA for your mother.
IF your mother is judged BY A COURT to be legally INCOMPETENT then you can remove her from a dangerous situation (which alcoholism in a husband would constitute). You can see an attorney for a legal separation and separation of finances. If her SS goes into their joint accounts then you will have to get yourself also made Representative Payee of Mom's Social Security and open a check in her name with you as her signee and POA.

As you must know, this would mean no overnights with the alcoholic. She could have supervised visitation. She would be in your care 24/7 or in in-facility care.

If your mother doesn't have dementia at this level then there is, I am afraid, very little you can do about her being the co of a severe alcoholic. Until she reaches a state of legal incompetency the POA can act ONLY as the person involved dictates.

See an elder law attorney if you need solid legal advice in this situation, which sounds quite dicey. Your POA pays for that.

As to the alcoholic himself? You need to attend Al-anon so you fully understand that it is a waste of your time and energy, and you have zero power in attempting to intervene in alcoholism.

I wish you the best. What a terrible mess, huh?

You can't "divorce" this man since he's not your husband, but since you are moms POA, and if that has been activated, you can start looking into appropriate facilities for your mom to be placed in.
That way she will receive the care she now requires and will be safe from her alcoholic husband, and you can get back to just being her loving daughter and advocate instead of her burned out and stressed out caregiver.
And then you can call APS on this poor excuse of a man that your mom married twice(WTF) and report what is going on with him and they will come out and do an assessment on him and take things from there.
And until you get mom placed you DO NOT have to allow a drunkard into your house for visits. You need to set those boundaries now whether mom like it or not. It's your house.
Alcoholism just like dementia SUCKS!!!

It's good that you are already your Mom's PoA. However, this may not mean you can choose to have her divorce her husband. This is a question for the elder law attorney since the marriage/divorce rules for cognitively impaired people are vague and can vary by state.

If you are concerned about him wasting her share of her assets, you may have other options besides divorce (which can be expensive and she's unwilling, etc).

Is your PoA authority active? Does your Mom have a formal diagnosis of impairment? You need to read the document to see what triggers it. You may not even have the authority to decide a divorce for her.

Hopefully, if/when your authority is active, you may have the legal ability to move her share of funds to another bank where her drunkard can't access it -- but again, you should talk to a certified elder law attorney first. The attorney can tell you ways to protect her assets.

Also, if your Mom can't walk, does this mean she is bedridden? If so, consider having her assessed for LTC. Then she can be transitioned into a good facility and when her share of their community assets runs out, she will be Medicaid eligible (so make sure if she goes to a facility that they have Medicaid beds).

Her husband is an alcoholic. You expecting him to drink a few days then be sober others is unrealistic. You cannot have his recovery for him (by making him go to meetings). You need to create healthy boundaries for yourself and as a representative for your Mom. She probably by now is either dyfunctionally co-dependent on him or has dementia herself, since her judgement about this situation seems irrational.

If he's still driving, you know he's also drunk when that's happening. Depending on his home state, you may be able to anonymously report him as a dangerous driver online. I was able to do this in FL. You will need his info: name as it appears on his DL, his DL # if you can sneak a picture of it when he's visiting or make up a therapeutic fib to get him to divulge it, and dates and descriptions of incidents or about his chronic alcoholism. The Dept of Public Safety will probably then send out a letter telling him to report for either an eye check, or other assessment. No one should take him to this appointment or even tell him about the online report. If he fails to show up they will cancel his license.

Or, you have Mom at your house and intend to keep her for a long while. You tell both of them a therapeutic fib as to why she has to stay there so long. Try to prevent her from talking to him. While she's out of the house report him to APS as a vulnerable adult and keep reporting him. Tell APS he's such a neglectful drunk that you've had to remove your Mom in order to protect her. Hopefully they will act quickly to acquire court-assigned guardianship for him and remove him to a facility. But this won't happen overnight, so have tempered expectations. Every county's social services is different.

Do not have him come over to visit her if he's driving over there.

FYI life-long alcholics can get a specific type of dementia called Wernike-Korsakoff syndrome (aka "wet brain") that is caused by a chronic vitamin deficiency. So, he has an increased chance of having dementia both "natually" and from his alcoholism.

I wish you success in protecting your Mom and finding her appropriate care.

If mom has dementia you can not get POA. She has to be mentally competent to appoint a POA.
What you can try to do is get Guardianship.
If possible keep mom with you.
YOU can not divorce them .
I suggest that you talk to an Elder Care Attorney and see what is possible.

give up on the notion he will stop drinking.

Not to get personal here but...... What type of visits are they having? Are they still having a sexual relationship? If so since mom has dementia is this actually a consensual relationship? But you say she misses him. I get it. Holding hands, Touch, it is important and I if it makes mom happy.... 30 years is a long time.

You need to speak with an attorney about getting a guardianship. A POA cannot use that power to initiate a divorce. And frankly I am not sure a POA trumps a spouse when it comes to making healthcare and life decisions. It is much more limited. As your mom's dementia progresses, however, you might get into a tug of war with the husband and lose access to her. So see an attorney now.

You would need to take mom to be evaluated by a psychologist for competency to determine if she is capable of making decisions to marry or bring legal action.

Typically people retain the ability to choose to marry and make social decisions.

How does the husband arrive to your home when he is intoxicated? If he is driving himself, it's OK to call the police.

Also, it is your home, so it is ok to make and enforce boundaries, such as required sobriety for visits. If he violates this, send him away, informing him he can either call an uber or you will call the police and notify them he is driving while intoxicated. This should.put an end to drunken visits.

You can get some respite care either by hiring someone to come in for a few hours a week, and/or signing up for a respite room with a local nursing home for one weekend a month. Or perhaps there is someone in your church who would be willing to come sit with her for a few hours each week so you can run errands. Also look into adult daycare programs local to you.

Short answer: NO (you cannot divorce Dad on Mom's behalf) Dad needs to be placed in a nursing home (so he can't get to alcohol) and they can take care/watch him. Mom w dementia cannot live alone, so she can live with you or admit her to assisted living or nursing home, and you do not need to get any court involved since you have POA. Hopefully you also have dad's POA an fi not, get one prepared and signed. Since someone has mentioned bank accounts and as far as bank accounts go, this is what I did: take mom to the bank with your POA in hand (in case it's needed), but most of the time, all that is needed is to show drivers licenses and sometimes social security cards. The banking ppl won't know about mom's condition so don't tell unless they ask and if they don't mention a POA, they don't need to see it. EASY WAY: Mom will need to tell them she wants you and your name on all bank accounts. This is the most simple way to manage their accounts without getting any outside parties involved and needing their permission, like SS and the like. You will then need to open a separate account in your name at the same time and have banking cards issued and also make sure your name shows on any checks, if checks are being still written. With online banking these days, you can easily transfer funds into whatever accounts you need/want at anytime without any interference from anyone so that you can manage their bills, etc. Don't tell dad about any of this so he can't go into the bank drunk and pitching a fit.

For your sake, I highly recommend you read about codependency and possibly attend Alanon or Codependency Anonymous meetings. You are in the middle of a very difficult situation, and there is only so much you can do. You’ve received some good advice here. And it seems like you could use support for setting your boundaries to keep yourself as well as your mom safe.

I think you keeping mom at your home is the right thing to do. Her husband obviously can not take care of her.

You, however, do not need to allow him in to your home if it is causing you undue stress. It is unfortunate that your mother "misses" him and asks you to let him come visit. It is unfortunate for her. She will not get her way in this. It is your decision. She has lost the ability to make that decision herself.

I don't think it is necessary for your mother to divorce him. For what purpose?
Sounds like extra work and cost for no real benefit. Unless there is a benefit here for you that I do not see.

Inform her husband that he is not allowed to come visit. Period.
Don't try and impose conditions that he must meet to allow him to visit.
It just makes you sound weak and willing to compromise. He will continue pushing your boundaries if you give him an in. And he will continue to disappoint you and add to your stress. You don't need that additional stress now. Just focus on your mother. And start looking at care homes for her. She will decline, and soon you will no longer be able to care for her alone in your home.
You already state that you are tired and want a break. The unreliable husband is NOT the person to give you that break!
Picking a good facility now will give you the confidence when it is time for her to transition to professional care, which should be very soon.

You dont let a drunk Guy come to your House especially a walker .