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My sister has POA of my mother, and now shut me out. She’s removed my name from all med records & refuses to let me see our mother. Our mother is bed fast & lives with my sister and is 80% aphasic & can’t confirm identifiers. Only after gettin to see her in the Hospital a few weeks ago, i realized why my sisters keeping her from me, she’s not bathing her properly and isn’t caring for her contracted hand that’s completely curled under wrist. Asking my sister why she’s not providing proper care, angered her & since she lives with my sister? she won’t answer my calls & when i attempt to see her, she sees me & let’s me keep knocking, never opening door. i don’t have 10k for retainer to file for guardianship, as i know she’ll contest it. i feel she’s letting our mother waste away & she tells our mother im trying to come put her in a nursing home, which ISNT TRUE! But now my mom seems afraid to see me??? IM DESPERATE FOR HELP!!

Your sister is the POA and the caregiver.
The worst you have to say is about a contractured hand. Your mother is dying, and THAT is what you are worried about? Because other than a small, folded soft cloth to keep nails from digging in and to prevent yeasts from talking up housing in the moisture of this hand there is little to NOTHING to be done about this.

Why in the WORLD would you want guardianship? It's clear sister is the caregiver. She likely dislikes you at the least fears you at the worst.

Here's what you can do if you really care.
Write a letter to sis:
"Dear Sister:
I am throwing myself upon your mercy.
I clearly gave offense and when I think it over I had a lot of nerve suggesting ANYTHING to you when YOU are doing all the care for our Mom. Now I have somehow offended you and scared Mom and I am so dreadfully sorry. I can't imagine I had the nerve to criticize anything when I do so little.
I beg you to give me another chance.
And please, let me help. Make an amazon wish list of something so I can send you supplies you need. Create me a shopping list and I will come with groceries. Let me deliver you food or food cards from a place you like. Tell me what you need. When you trust me let me give you a few days off so I can take on the care; let me hire someone for you a day a week.
I am so sorry. Let me help. If I offend you again tell me to leave and I will do so at once. Love, your Sis.

There you go. My suggestion for peace.
Or hey, you can always come up with that 10K. I think actually that's cheap today. Was the standard about 5 years ago. Bet you could double it today, and you would, of course, lose in court.
OR
You can call APS for a wellness check if you REALLY want to be locked out forever. Because they will ask you for proof and if this contractured hand is what you have? Not good. And if they visit sister will know who sent them. And when APS tells you "no case" you will likely get a restraining order with your next pounding at the door.

Now, you MAY have something you didn't tell us. Squalor or meanness or neglect. But if not, my final word here is OMG, your POOR sister. I hope mom left her EVERYTHING. But most often the case is that nothing is left, and mom leaves only memories of pain behind. I think that your sister has taken on a job that is likely more than she should or could do without help; that isn't mine to judge if she is doing an adequate job; she isn't the one who wrote us.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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BurntCaregiver Dec 11, 2024
@Alva

Clearly the sister is unable to provide and hasn't been providing adequate care for the mother if her hands have contracted so badly. That doesn't happen in one day. As we both know there are special gloves and fabric braces that can be used for a bedbound person getting contractures. Also frequent repositioning and exercizing the person twice a day or more can help prevent them. Sometimes they happen anyway.

My friend, you know I've seen every family dynamic there is. When one adult child is caregiving and won't allow the other (or others) to even visit, it's usually because there's something they don't want anyone seeing. Like neglect.

The OP should take to someone over at APS.
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I'd be seriously angry too if I were doing the terribly hard caregiving for such a seriously ill elder, and heard from my sister how bad a job I was doing because of a contracture that's not fixable!! Had the hospital seen signs of neglect or mistreatment, as mandated reporters, they'd have reported your sister to APS themselves.

I agree with Alva. You're out of line here. Apologize to your sister and see how you can help her with this huge burden instead of telling her what she's doing wrong. Living with and caring for an elder in this condition is hell on earth.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Pat, I am sorry you are going through this. To be honest, for me anyways it's is impossible to know exactly what's going on, because this is just one side.

You may be right your sister may not be bathing mom enough, but what is the other side? Is mom not being bathed because your sister is going 24/7 waiting hand and foot on mom, and sis is so exhausted that she just can't take anymore.

Should of, could of , would of? The best thing that you could have done is maybe , think without emotions and asked your sister if she needs help, before accusing her.

But all this can not say your wrong, or sister is wrong. Id say you have two choices , call APS, or swallow your pride and tell your sister that you want to make things better and start helping more. Then you would be around at least to help and to know if there is large neglect.

Best of luck
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Anxietynacy Dec 11, 2024
Just to add, I also see the hand contractor, the least of your sister problems to deal with.
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Call Adult Protection if she is being neglected.
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Reply to mern64
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If you suspect abuse or neglect call your States Elder Abuse hotline.
I will mention though if your mom was in the hospital a few weeks ago the medical staff are MANDATED reporters of abuse. If they suspected there was a problem they would have reported it and possibly not released her until they were sure there was no abuse.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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You can put a call into APS and tell them you suspect your mother's care is being neglected and her POA (your sister) refuses to allow you to visit your own mother.

Bedbound people get contractures. Your mother should be in a care facility. Neither you not your sister should have her in your homes. She needs a staff.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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I’m really surprised at some of these people’s reactions! Some of us have evil siblings that have control issues. My brother did this to me with my Dad. He was always jealous of me. Calling Adult Services is a waste of time. My Dad was never changed properly, or bathed properly, and my brother didn’t feed him when he was supposed to. I did find out that the police will show up and you can see your parent. That is how it is in the state of Missouri. I know times are tough but try not to get an Atty. I wish you the best! God Bless!
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Reply to LuvMahomez15
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Call APS and report a suspicion of neglect or abuse.
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Reply to Geaton777
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My heart is breaking for your mother. Our elder loved ones want peace as they enter this phase of their lives.

There is a movement called Supported Decision Making. It’s a process where parties are brought together in a conflict resolution type meeting that is facilitated. You have some family dynamics going on here that would be better addressed by professionals in the psychology realm versus law enforcement and legal system.

I would check with any free legal elder services as well as your county/state to see if something like that would be available to you.

Lawyers are expensive and the legal system is painful and drawn out.

Our elders deserve a more expeditious resolution than courts provide.

I feel your pain as I witnessed manipulation and emotional abuse of my parents. My father was dead 3 months after my siblings had him sign me off as his health care agent. It’s heartbreaking but so is the let down of the legal system.
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Jada824 Dec 22, 2024
Susanora,
Sorry to hear what you went through. I went through something similar with my sibling. The only help I got to see my mom was when she was placed in a nursing home after a hospital stay when she got Covid.
When my brother wouldn’t let me see her I contacted Alliance for long term care & they told the nursing home that I had every right to see her. My brother had lied to them & told them there was a no contact order against me for elder abuse which wasn’t true. I finally got to see her 4 times before she passed.

APS & the legal system are a joke & the police say it’s a civil matter.
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My siblings did the same thing to me, with my father, who died before I could reach him.

His wife always hated me, so she blocked me (by bribing my siblings with (cash, art-work, real-estate etc).
His sister let me know his location, but it was too late, he died as I was en route to see him.
Maybe contact an elder law attorney, to get help?
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Reply to Screennamed
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TouchMatters Dec 21, 2024
No maybe about it.
This writer needs to contact an attorney yesterday.
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