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I'm mostly alone today. Wife is in the hospital and we likely have a new prognosis, with an expiration date much closer than we thought even a couple of days prior. I'm burned out, and taking a respite while her son handles the overnights and much of the day. I have a hurricane of feelings and thoughts to somehow weave thru without setting off one of these land mines.
My family is several hundred miles away, and my step-family is throwing off a very odd vibe. I'm feeling fery disconnected and fragile at this moment.
This will be much of my Thanksgiving, until I head back to the hospital for a while, hoping to catch her with some lucid moments.
What is your Thanksgiving going to be like? The rest of the holidays?

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I visited my dad today at his facility but I have mostly felt sad today and I'm not looking forward to the rest of the holidays. I thought that I was going to be able to go out of town for Christmas but it is looking very bleak now.
I'm so sorry. Do you have a good friend you could talk to? That helps me. Also, try to do something you really enjoy on one of the days that her son is with her. Prayers to you!
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Cyclonaut Nov 29, 2024
Thank you. Yes, I do have a pretty good support group than I now have got to learn to lean on more heavily. I think we all internalize too many things, and this doesn't serve us or our mission well.
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While I was caring for my Husband early on there were a few times we were invited to someone's house for a dinner. Let's not even mention a Holiday. It got to the point where it was more work for me to get him out that I would prefer to stay home.
Then as he declined having people over for a noisy busy holiday or even a regular dinner became more than he could manage. And he still wanted to follow his same routine and that meant me getting up and getting him ready for bed and in bed while people were still here.
I accepted that all the holidays are just days. Yes I might make something special for dinner, but then again in late stages does it really matter what you are eating if it is all pureed?

We put so much pressure on ourselves during the holidays. No longer is there a time to sit and relax.
Spend the time you can with your wife, enjoy the quiet moments you are with her. Do not let s-kids take over and deny you this time. Yes it is their mom but this is your wife. You all have hearts that are breaking.
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Cyclonaut Nov 28, 2024
Thank you. I've had a decent time getting my head space correct today. I'm about to get cleaned up and do just that... Hope for some quiet time, albeit one of the s-kids will be there, it won't be problematic.
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Our Thanksgiving will be different this year as well with DH having declined so markedly. If we hadn’t got the invite from SIL we would have treated it like any other day since we’re having a small, quasi-Thanksgiving here over the weekend.

I warned SIL ahead about what to expect and she still wanted us to come. DH is not bad enough to ruin the day or make anyone too uncomfortable. A rotten little part of me is happy to be spending a whole day with his relatives, hoping they will get a more realistic picture of his condition. But maybe he will ‘showtime’ and charm them with his witty repartee’! No way to know in advance.

Cyclo, I’m so sorry about your dear wife. It’s kind of awful to pair really hard emotional times with holidays. Sometimes if I give myself the ‘gift’ of giving in to my despair for a few hours when I’m alone I can keep myself from caving-in around other people. It’s kind of like practicing or getting accustomed to the feelings in private so they don’t overwhelm me in public.
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Cyclonaut Nov 28, 2024
I think we all have that little piece of rotten. Some of the feelings and thoughts we're confronted with, I would not wish upon anyone.... Well, most anyone.
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Holidays have changed for me over the years. My Mother and MIL were the ones who did the big dinners with family. The last few years my daughter hosted friend and family. Everyone bringing a side. The last two years, Bob Evans has done the cooking and just my family comes. Cousins and siblings don't live in the same State. Aunts and Uncles are gone.

Christmas, I do lasagna on Christmas Eve. This leaves my oldest to spend with her boys and friends. So our Christmas is quiet. At 75, I have cut down a lot. This year will be my last for mailing out goodies. Even Christmas cards. Don't enjoy all the hoopla anymore.
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Cyclonaut Nov 28, 2024
I get it about the hoopla. I've long struggled with the duality of a date on a calendar.
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It's not easy that's for sure. I guess I would say forget that it's "Thanksgiving" and all the baggage that comes with that and relish these few quiet moments. Blended families are hard too. It must be so hard to feel a vibe coming from them but I would not assume anything negative, I'm sure they are scared and wondering what is next also. Thank you for sharing how vulnerable you are feeling right now. I appreciate that.

I'm at my parents, mom feels quite anxious today despite having had an excellent Dr appt yesterday. And I think she senses I'm a little exasperated. So that's awesome.... She is on a feeding tube so going to others homes makes her very uncomfortable with all the food around that she can't eat. I'll go to mil's later for some dinner. It's not my favorite day either. I do like the parade so I'll try to find a replay if that and I'm hoping there's a dog show on.

I hope you find your way through. 🙏

Oh I just read you will be doing some wood working. Wonderful 💕
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Anxietynacy Nov 28, 2024
I think that's the best advice, just kind of think of it as any other day, and actually it is for much of the world.

So far today we have about 5 inches of snow , and it is really coming down. Son's car is not starting , so ex husband and hubby went to see if they can get it started . I'm watching the snow. Not sure if I'll get to moms but the snow is pretty.
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I am sorry to hear all this. Is there anything you can do to help pass the time and reduce anxiety? A movie? A hike or walk in nature? Call a friend?

I think holidays often lead to mixed feelings because of the expectations and hallmark fantasies.

best wishes.
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Cyclonaut Nov 28, 2024
Thank you. Yes! I'm spending time in the shop, doing some woodworking. I'm making frames for some prints we had made from a few of our favorite photos taken in Rome. Woodworking requires my full attention, and makes it impossible to dwell on things too long. The weather isn't so good today for a few hours on the bike.
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I'm so sorry for your situation. You'll get through it though. I hope you an treat yourself to a nice meal and a few hours off.
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Cyclonaut Nov 28, 2024
Some time in the shop, and later to head to the hospital. This hospital has some surprisingly good food, so will probably eat their offering later on.
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Hi, cyclonaut, I'm so sorry about your wife.

Holidays can be a very difficult time for many many people. You are not alone. I wish I had something I could say to give you more comfort.

Let us know how your wife's is today. 😞🙏
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Cyclonaut Nov 28, 2024
Thank you. Sometimes we simply need to 'speak', and know we're being heard. Thank you for responding.
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You know, C. I have never been a fan of Christmas and Thanksgiving.
(I DO love Halloween and Day of the Dead.) Go figure!

For me, The latter holidays of the year put a tremendous burden on people. To shop and spend and eat until they are ill, to smile till their faces freeze over, to buy buy buy.
I guess part of it is my age (82) and the usual aging-grumpiness?
But I like it less and less as the kids get more and more boxes with fewer "thanks".

Two years ago I myself stopped gifting and told everyone "You'll get gifts from me throughout the year when I see something that makes me think of you with love: such as 'Wow, Nora would love this bird book by Amy Tan'". or "Wow, I remember how Steve loved milk duds" and I send a big box of them.

Thanksgiving? I have IBS. No more need to said. Not my favorite day. I survive it. My medication to get through used to be a bottle of white wine. I haven't tolerated drinking for years, so what's there to do? Grin and bear it and wish I could eat all the pie. And feel guilty for all the happy love around me that seems like all too many people for a recluse to survive.
It's 24 hours. At my age things go fast. I am on for Mashed Potatoes this year. Easy Peasy. And it's at my step daughter's house, so even easier.


There is somewhat an onus and burden put on folks with holidays in which you have to cook and clean and gift and make as tho you are merry.
As an atheist Christmas is a holiday I don't even much believe in. Tho I do have memories of one year being an angel at church nativity and a mother mary at school festival. Academy aware if ever there was one.
While I suffer the burden of being the family Grinch, I can accept the moniker and get through it.
And I love decorations. I accept a few twinges of guilt in that I had the best mom in the world and she LOVED holidays and the decorating and seeing decorations, and going to Santa at Marshall Field's where he yearly scared the crud out of me. I just don't have the gene for it all.

You have a good and peaceful day, will you?
Do the best you are able to do.
When I awakened this a.m. I buried my head in the feather tic and said to myself "You will be back under here in NO TIME!"

I am sorry you have your love in hospital. This puts so much more into it all for you, today. But do know you aren't alone. Let others know you sympathize with their plight. Draw a sweet Turkey and Pilgrim hat for your wife. Get through it with my best wishes. Remember other holiday disasters.
You aren't alone.
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Cyclonaut Nov 28, 2024
Thanks. Yes, it's only one holiday. Like you, this time of year isn't my most favorite. I don't suffer the self-absorbed nature of what this season has become at times.
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