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My 80 years old mother-in-law lives with us since I got married into this family 24 years ago. She is mostly independent caring herself. I cook and clean for her. Instead of being appreciative towards me, she talks bad about me behind my back. She doesn’t talk to me. She convey message through my husband and kids about what she likes to eat. Should I keep doing what I’m doing? I’m getting irritated and angry with my husband because his excuse is “She is Old”

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I never got on board as to why people prepared separate meals for each person living in the home.

I'm with the poster below; eat what has been prepared or order out.

Two women usually don't get along in the household.

Why are you cooking and cleaning for her if she is independent.

Me, on the other hand, I don't do anything for people who talk behind my back and I know about it.

Have hubby pay for her a home care aide if she keeps up this behavior.
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Reply to Scampie1
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There’s an admonition oft repeated in raising children “don’t do for your child what they can do for themselves” It applies equally well here. Stop doing for her what she can do for herself. You’re a daughter in law, not a maid or cook. Your husband is very wrong for allowing her to speak poorly of you after you’ve tolerated this arrangement for so long. I’m sorry you’re being treated badly. In your shoes, I’d tell MIL if she has something to say or needs something, to tell me directly or expect nothing. I wish you peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Why do you cook and clean for someone who is independent?

Add to that, why do you do the above for someone who is ungrateful, won't even talk to you, and talks ugly about you behind your back?

What kind of husband allows his wife to be treated in such a way?

I don't know where you live, but slavery is illegal in most parts of the world.

At 80, she could live another 20+ years, with her needs steadily increasing. Is this the future you want for yourself?

Unless you create boundaries so you're not being taken advantage of, your husband and MIL are going to expect you to do even more for her.
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Reply to Dogwood63
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southernwave Nov 11, 2024
Golda’s mom lives until 109! This poor lady could have 29 more years of this!!!
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You've kept quiet for 24 YEARS already! MIL may be old but you're tired, and being disrespected in your own home. Tell hubby it's time to MAN UP now and read mommy the riot act or you're leaving on an all expense paid (by HIM) 1 month vacation to give him time to come to his senses. If he can't do that, leave for good. Enough is enough, don't you think?
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Reply to lealonnie1
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southernwave Nov 11, 2024
100%
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Around my parents’ 25th, my mom went to dad with an ultimatum that he stop ordering her around or she would leave. He did, and they remained married for 35 more until he died. You can do the same by tellin both mil and hubby that from now on she eats what you’ve prepared for the family or she uses her money to order DoorDash. And as to how it is in the old country, well that’s presumably why y’all are here instead of there.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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Twenty-four years ago she wasn't old. She was only 56. How old are you? If you're in your fifties by now, which seems possible, you could claim old age yourself. That is, if you use the same reasoning your husband used to trap you in this job. Yet even though you may now be considered "old" by this family's standards, you're considered young enough to be a servant in your own home.

I live in an over-55 community where 80-year-olds play golf, bridge, bocce, tennis, pickleball, and other sports. They volunteer, help others by driving them to appointments, walk, belong to book clubs, cooking clubs, hiking clubs, pet clubs, swim and belong to exercise clubs, go on vacations together, and fly model airplanes. They take care of sick husbands and wives. They clean their own houses. They tend their own grass and gardens.

This is the USA. Slavery was abolished a long time ago. You do NOT have to be that woman's slave, nor do you have to do what your husband commands. Inform him of that and schedule a free initial consultation with a divorce lawyer. That might scare husband enough that he'll listen to your valid complaints. But don't count on it.
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Reply to Fawnby
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I think this maybe a cultural thing and would be hard to set boundaries now. And now she is old. I think maybe you should just ignore her like she ignores you. There is the "gray rock method" that you maybe able to use. Look it up. Really, you have put up with this for 24 years! If you can, tell ur husband you are not catering to her anymore. She needs something, he can get it.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I would just stop. I was in a similar situation.
My aunt is still miffed at me for giving up POA. I decided to help where I can. Sending food, clothes, depends. Anything I could think of.
I called her and she got really nasty at me, basically telling me not to call her anymore.
My cousin who lives nearby aunt started making excuses for aunt's behavior. Everyone else said to ignore it. She's old, she has dementia.
I know my aunt pretty well and know she's mean and still holding a grudge, so I decided to just stop. She's ungrateful and mean and I can't change that.
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Reply to Tiredniece23
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southernwave Nov 11, 2024
You have come such a long way in a short period of time!
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So was she old 24 years ago?

Your husband is gaslighting you because he would rather you be uncomfortable instead of him.

Can you take a solo vacation or with girlfriends? So see the northern lights, take a cruise, etc. Let them have to deal with each other instead of you.

In the least, stop cooking for like a week or two. Everyone can eat sandwiches, cereal or take out.
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Reply to southernwave
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Let your husband cook and clean for HIS mother , as well as do her laundry if she can’t , take her shopping , the doctor , hairdresser etc.

In a nutshell , let your husband know that HIS mother is now HIS job , or Mom goes to live somewhere else , like assisted living .
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Reply to waytomisery
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