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This is a on going story that never ends. This has been going on for some time.My sister is 62 and is calling men and going to where they are meeting them and if it doesn't work out she will go to another one. She says she want someone to love her and marry her. She lived in a state I won't name and went to see this man in 5 states away. Once there he was a druggy and took all her money and she got away without being harmed. She called Mom and wanted money to come back on so Mom called me to take her to Walmart to send her $375. So I did...... above everything I felt about it. I had to go to the bank to cash her check to get cash to take to walmart to get the money sent to Walmart in the area where she was. After traveling back she called back today and wanted Mom to send her another $100. Said she didn't know if she would have enough money to get back on. So banks are closed here and the only way she could get cash is go to a grocery store and get $75. then take it to Walmart. So we would have to take mom to the grocery store in/ out of the car with the wheelchair and to Walmart in/ out of car with wheel chair. Just to send money to sister to get her back. So if my husband refuses for me to help do this for mom to help sister are we in the wrong or should we help without any conflict or complaints??? Mom feels hurt with us because will not take her today and ask her to wait til Monday. What do you all think and opinions????

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I know you know this- but your mother is enabling your sister. Whether your sister is doing drugs or just engaging in incredibly dangerous behavior, your mother is enabling her to continue to do so. And by taking your mother to and from places to send money, you are also continuing to enable both your mother and your sister.

And frankly your mother is manipulating you but using the "What if this was your daughter" line. What if it WAS your daughter? I have a feeling you would do something different - perhaps get in the car and go drag her home and put her in a rehab facility to get her help (this is just an extreme example but you get the idea) rather than continuing to funnel money into her horrible habits - or conversely tell her you are sorry that you love her but that you just can't help her anymore because you are hurting her with your "help".

There is a good chance that your sister is largely manipulating your mother, crying, begging, telling her it is the last time and your mother wants to believe it, but nothing is going to change. And you have more power here than you realize. Your mother has no way to get her the money unless you participate.

Honestly - your mother is the solution - your sister is not going to help herself. And your mother is not going to stop. You are either the roadblock or the superhighway here.
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Butterfly62 9 hours ago
Thank you, yes, you are all right!!! I told Mom on Monday after all this that it was her money and she could spent it any way she wanted but she needs it for her own bills and things that she needs. She said that she couldn't give her anymore money, but that is just words. She never means it or she wouldn't bale her out everytime she cries wolf. I told mom, if she was going to give her money she could just mail it. Because I know she will, no matter what you tell her or explain to her what she is doing somehow she either doesn't want to believe it or cannot comprehend it. I don't know.
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A wise person told me long ago, that "If you are not part of the solution to a bad situation, then YOU are part of the problem". AARP had an extensive article about these Scammers pretending to a movie start or a country singer, and conning women to get money. Your sister will never face reality as long as your Mom bankrolls her. You role is the "conduit" of getting Mom's money TO the sister who will never give up on her irresponsible behavior as long as Mom AND the conduit (you) find ways to bail her out.
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Reply to fluffy1966
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I personally wouldn't do such a thing. I would tell mom that I disagree with her decisions and won't enable them. Period.
If she is competent she has a right to do whatever she wishes with her money, including flushing it down a toilet and clogging the plumbing with it. But I sure wouldn't enable it mayself.
You are an adult. So it's your decision what you decide to do with your own life.
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Butterfly62 Mar 23, 2025
You all have answered the questions exactly they way I , my husband and daughter feel. I guess I feel obligated to Mom because I love her and because she is in pain all day everyday. I do not go and sit with her everyday, I go twice a week to do her laundry and get groceries. I just can't get her to see that my sister is an adult who needs to depend on herself and not others to supply her needs. She has no job, no home and is staying in her car or motels. Mom, either gets mad, hurt, blames or puts a guilt on us if we decide not to help. This is, taking Mom or her money to help sister.
It's getting to the point of the way it was when she lived with us. It was a constant conflict in our family and kept everyone upset and anxious all the time. Thanks to all!!!
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No, I would not do it. Your Mom is enabling your sister. You do not have to be a part of that. Your sister is where she is because of her choices. Tell her to go to the closest Social Service office and see if she can get help.
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https://www.agingcare.com/questions/what-can-mom-do-to-get-her-car-back-from-my-sister-491287.htm

Did your Mom ever get her car back from your sister? (Not sure which sister took her car).

I think instead of circling the drain on every little whim your Mom has (do you still go and sit with her every day like you mentioned in a previous post?) you should be working on her to assign someone as her PoA then get her in to her primary doctor for a cognitive and memory test.

Is your Mom able to pay for her own living expenses or is she getting financial assistance from either the county of from family? I'm asking because if so, she in NO WAY should be gifting any money to Deadbeat Loser Sister. If it were my Mom, I'd walk out of the room every time she asked me to do anything that would result in giving money to DLS. I literally wouldn't even respond or have a conversation about it.

Your husband not wanting to participate in this chaos and foolishness is correct. He's probably pretty sick of being sucked along this endless ride with your Mom and DLS. And probably a lot of other nonsense your Mother demands and you fly into action without really stopping to think if your *should* be doing it.

But this is why you've been posting frequently on this forum... you are trying to find your boundaries with your Mom (and DLS) -- and good for you for realizing this. IMO if you seeing and talking to your Mom every day: I would stop that. My 95-yr old Mom lives next door to me and is semi independent (but no longer drives). Sometimes there are entire days I don't go over there to see her. I'll call to check on her but the minute any nonsense comes out of her mouth I pretend I have someone ringing my doorbell and tell her I'll call back later. I'm not responsible for her happiness. I'm not her entertainment committee. If I were, I'd have no life and my husband would have packed his bags a long time ago.

Maybe now when your Mom calls with her "urgent needs" like wiring money to DLS you can hand the phone to your husband. I'll bet she'll stop calling to ask for this sort of help. When you refuse her requests and she "feels hurt with us" this is called manipulation and/or immaturity and/or dementia/loss of executive functioning (aka judgment).

I would not take her to the bank to participate in her wasting money on Monday. Let someone else with no boundaries be the one to do that. If she can find someone.
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Butterfly62 Mar 23, 2025
Yes, mom did get her car back she paid the one and same sister $50. My husband and I had to go pick her car. She moved her then camper from one place to another and left mom's car. It is one outrageous mess.
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It sounds like just sending your sister money is not going to "help" her.
What is it that they say about hitting rock bottom before you can find your way up? Sounds like your sister is close to rock bottom but not quite there yet because you and mom are tossing stuff to her that keeps her from bottom.

By the way "rock bottom" does not have to apply to alcohol or drugs it is when you realize that you need to change your life because the one you have is not working to your benefit.
Let her fail.
SHE needs to admit that she needs more help than you both can give her.
AND...
You say in your profile that mom had Alzheimer's. Does mom have the extra funds to keep "helping"
If there is a possibility that mom may have to apply for Medicaid at any time these "gifts" may hinder that process.
Are you POA for mom? If so you may have to put your foot down and stop the handouts.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Instead of going to Walmart, perhaps you and your mom need to go to some Al-Anon meetings to learn and understand what enabling looks like as that is what you both are doing with your sister and moms daughter.
The more that is given the more that your sister will take, and she will NEVER learn her lesson or grow up.
This nonsense has to stop somewhere and why not with you, and why not now? Let mom think what she wants. If she likes being used and abused by your sister that is on her not you.
But someone has to be the adult here, so tag...you're it.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Your sister is taking advantage of your mother. Your sister is a long-grown up adult woman who can take care of herself but chooses to manipulate and mooch off your mother. Don't be part of it. Your mother needs her money for herself. If she sulks or guilt-trips you, just tell her you're done talking about it. If she continues, then just leave or hang up the phone.
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So this was an hour ago, so if Eastern Time 9:30 or thereabouts at night? This situation really sucks, I'm so sorry bc clearly she's 1)probably not going to come back and 2) if she does, back to where the place she left? Back to mom?

It sucks bc it's your mom asking but the requests aren't going to end. Mom can do what she wants with her money but your sister can't be having you all running around for her problems at 62!! You are not wrong to not drop everything to do this. My opinion. And I can see why your husband would not want to I'm sure you guys are doing many many other things that require time and energy to help mom with her actual things let alone an adult woman who is making terrible choices. She already helped her today substantially and you have already done enough as well to make that happen.
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Butterfly62 Mar 23, 2025
Mom, when we don't give in to help she comes back with if that was your daughter we would do everything we could to get her back home. Mom, loves her and still sees her and I as little girls and not adults. My daughter would never ever be in this situation I know her, and she has never had my sisters personally. As far as I know my sister hasn't been on drugs but she just blows her money in the wind.
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Though you don't say so, I'm going to assume that sister is an addict because her behavior seems to indicate that. She has no job? Cannot get a job? Goes from man to man? Does or does not have a home of her own? Says she gave her money to a druggy? Drugs for him, or more likely for both of them?

Sister will bleed mom dry if mom allows it. If you enable this, you're part of the problem. Mom needs to save her money so that she will have enough money to last her the rest of her life.

As for your husband, he may be the only one in this mess who can look at it unemotionally and understand what's at stake. That doesn't mean I think he has any business telling you to do this or not do that. He's not the boss of you!

I'm sorry you're going through this, and if this were my sister, I would want her to stay as far away from me and my family as possible. She and the life she lives could come to their sad conclusion somewhere where she wouldn't be creating problems in my neighborhood. You can seldom change an addict, and that's the truth.
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