This is a on going story that never ends. This has been going on for some time.My sister is 62 and is calling men and going to where they are meeting them and if it doesn't work out she will go to another one. She says she want someone to love her and marry her. She lived in a state I won't name and went to see this man in 5 states away. Once there he was a druggy and took all her money and she got away without being harmed. She called Mom and wanted money to come back on so Mom called me to take her to Walmart to send her $375. So I did...... above everything I felt about it. I had to go to the bank to cash her check to get cash to take to walmart to get the money sent to Walmart in the area where she was. After traveling back she called back today and wanted Mom to send her another $100. Said she didn't know if she would have enough money to get back on. So banks are closed here and the only way she could get cash is go to a grocery store and get $75. then take it to Walmart. So we would have to take mom to the grocery store in/ out of the car with the wheelchair and to Walmart in/ out of car with wheel chair. Just to send money to sister to get her back. So if my husband refuses for me to help do this for mom to help sister are we in the wrong or should we help without any conflict or complaints??? Mom feels hurt with us because will not take her today and ask her to wait til Monday. What do you all think and opinions????
And frankly your mother is manipulating you but using the "What if this was your daughter" line. What if it WAS your daughter? I have a feeling you would do something different - perhaps get in the car and go drag her home and put her in a rehab facility to get her help (this is just an extreme example but you get the idea) rather than continuing to funnel money into her horrible habits - or conversely tell her you are sorry that you love her but that you just can't help her anymore because you are hurting her with your "help".
There is a good chance that your sister is largely manipulating your mother, crying, begging, telling her it is the last time and your mother wants to believe it, but nothing is going to change. And you have more power here than you realize. Your mother has no way to get her the money unless you participate.
Honestly - your mother is the solution - your sister is not going to help herself. And your mother is not going to stop. You are either the roadblock or the superhighway here.
If she is competent she has a right to do whatever she wishes with her money, including flushing it down a toilet and clogging the plumbing with it. But I sure wouldn't enable it mayself.
You are an adult. So it's your decision what you decide to do with your own life.
It's getting to the point of the way it was when she lived with us. It was a constant conflict in our family and kept everyone upset and anxious all the time. Thanks to all!!!
Did your Mom ever get her car back from your sister? (Not sure which sister took her car).
I think instead of circling the drain on every little whim your Mom has (do you still go and sit with her every day like you mentioned in a previous post?) you should be working on her to assign someone as her PoA then get her in to her primary doctor for a cognitive and memory test.
Is your Mom able to pay for her own living expenses or is she getting financial assistance from either the county of from family? I'm asking because if so, she in NO WAY should be gifting any money to Deadbeat Loser Sister. If it were my Mom, I'd walk out of the room every time she asked me to do anything that would result in giving money to DLS. I literally wouldn't even respond or have a conversation about it.
Your husband not wanting to participate in this chaos and foolishness is correct. He's probably pretty sick of being sucked along this endless ride with your Mom and DLS. And probably a lot of other nonsense your Mother demands and you fly into action without really stopping to think if your *should* be doing it.
But this is why you've been posting frequently on this forum... you are trying to find your boundaries with your Mom (and DLS) -- and good for you for realizing this. IMO if you seeing and talking to your Mom every day: I would stop that. My 95-yr old Mom lives next door to me and is semi independent (but no longer drives). Sometimes there are entire days I don't go over there to see her. I'll call to check on her but the minute any nonsense comes out of her mouth I pretend I have someone ringing my doorbell and tell her I'll call back later. I'm not responsible for her happiness. I'm not her entertainment committee. If I were, I'd have no life and my husband would have packed his bags a long time ago.
Maybe now when your Mom calls with her "urgent needs" like wiring money to DLS you can hand the phone to your husband. I'll bet she'll stop calling to ask for this sort of help. When you refuse her requests and she "feels hurt with us" this is called manipulation and/or immaturity and/or dementia/loss of executive functioning (aka judgment).
I would not take her to the bank to participate in her wasting money on Monday. Let someone else with no boundaries be the one to do that. If she can find someone.
What is it that they say about hitting rock bottom before you can find your way up? Sounds like your sister is close to rock bottom but not quite there yet because you and mom are tossing stuff to her that keeps her from bottom.
By the way "rock bottom" does not have to apply to alcohol or drugs it is when you realize that you need to change your life because the one you have is not working to your benefit.
Let her fail.
SHE needs to admit that she needs more help than you both can give her.
AND...
You say in your profile that mom had Alzheimer's. Does mom have the extra funds to keep "helping"
If there is a possibility that mom may have to apply for Medicaid at any time these "gifts" may hinder that process.
Are you POA for mom? If so you may have to put your foot down and stop the handouts.
The more that is given the more that your sister will take, and she will NEVER learn her lesson or grow up.
This nonsense has to stop somewhere and why not with you, and why not now? Let mom think what she wants. If she likes being used and abused by your sister that is on her not you.
But someone has to be the adult here, so tag...you're it.
It sucks bc it's your mom asking but the requests aren't going to end. Mom can do what she wants with her money but your sister can't be having you all running around for her problems at 62!! You are not wrong to not drop everything to do this. My opinion. And I can see why your husband would not want to I'm sure you guys are doing many many other things that require time and energy to help mom with her actual things let alone an adult woman who is making terrible choices. She already helped her today substantially and you have already done enough as well to make that happen.
Sister will bleed mom dry if mom allows it. If you enable this, you're part of the problem. Mom needs to save her money so that she will have enough money to last her the rest of her life.
As for your husband, he may be the only one in this mess who can look at it unemotionally and understand what's at stake. That doesn't mean I think he has any business telling you to do this or not do that. He's not the boss of you!
I'm sorry you're going through this, and if this were my sister, I would want her to stay as far away from me and my family as possible. She and the life she lives could come to their sad conclusion somewhere where she wouldn't be creating problems in my neighborhood. You can seldom change an addict, and that's the truth.