My sister is the primary caregiver & POA for my mother. My mom is living at my sister's home. On Christmas night, I called my sister to have her put the phone up to my mom's ear so I could say merry Christmas to her. My sister stated "no, I don't feel like having my Christmas ruined." Then proceeded to block my phone number. I have had no contact. I have not seen my mother since December 20. It is now February 20th, the two month mark is really bothering me. I have spoken to four or five attorneys, and they all say I have no rites to visit since my mom is at my sister's house. When I did visit my mother December 20th, my sister's husband stood in the room 2 feet from me with his arms folded, watching. It was very uncomfortable. When I ask my sister about it, she said that she and her husband would be in the room with me while I visited my mother next time as well! I have asked for an explanation regarding this situation and none has been given. It is like I am a thief, and I am being punished. The whole situation has put my stomach in knots and stressed me out. I suggested to one attorney about getting a court order for visitation rights and he stated that in South Carolina it is not an option. Does anyone have any suggestion for me?
That is problematic in that your mom is now at your sister's home.
I do not know also about your mom's mentation, nor about how yours and her relationship history when she was on her own, so I don't know if a visit to her would be something that filled her day with joy or with dissention.
And, as you see, my only concern here now is your Mom.
It should be your only concern as well. And your sister's only concern.
You have pursued this with attorneys; they've told you that you have no legal right to enter your sister's home if she doesn't wish it. That seems pretty solid. We seem to have come to "end game", UNLESS you try to pull out all the stops.
Here's what I would do:
#1. I would call APS and tell them briefly that mom lives with Sis and sis hates you and won't let you visit, and that you wish only to see your mom. Ask if there is a way to mediate a visit in which either APS or Sister, of mutual family friend accompanies you to be certain visit is a happy one for mom.
#2. Sis is Lioness at the Gate. To get to see mom, she holds the key and ALL OF THE POWER. I would write a very lovely note in a beautiful card. Short as I could make it (which wouldn't be short, given my proclivities). Something like THIS:
Dear Sis,
I won't go into our history; you know it better than me. But I am honestly now afraid I won't be able to see Mom again. You hold the key to that and I am here to throw myself on your mercy. If you choose a time for me to visit I promise you that a keyword of your choosing will have me leave on your command. I will be fine with you or hubby in the room to monitor anything I say. My only goal is to tell Mom I know I am not the be-all and end-all of sons, but I love her and think about her.
If you will do that for me Sis, then I would do anything I could for you all. I will shop; I will get delivered groceries from an Amazon Wish List or I will send in supper weekly. I will send cards and notes and letters that you are free to monitor. I would do respite care if you trusted me to it or would pay for some help coming in, to the best of my ability.
Please. Here is my contact. I am sorry for my part in missing out on a great woman, which clearly you ARE having taken on care of mom.
I am begging you. Take the time you need. Trust me once more. If I don't measure up I won't try anything but cards and notes you can monitor in future.
Love from your bro.
Give it a try. What do you have to lose. If she says no, send the cards. Send the flowers. Send the candy. Send the groceries and the take in food.
Or understand this isn't to be, hopefully mom is beyond missing you, and you must move on.
I wish you the best of luck and hope you'll update us.
If your sister or her husband standing in the room while you visit mom is the only way you can visit mom I would take that and resign yourself to that is the way it is going to be.
Now my Grandma always said you catch more flies with honey than vinegar....So next time you visit mom bring some donuts and coffee and give them to your sister and BIL and enjoy the visit as much as you can. Stay as long as you can I can't imagine if you are there for an hour they will want to stand in the room for the entire time. If they do they are wasting their time not yours.
So if you can visit even with the restrictions enjoy the visit and take the "win"
If you take any sort of legal action to have access to your parents, then your strained relationship will be even more broken, if that's possible, so have tempered expectations about any solution. You may need to see a certified elder law attorney about elder abuse. But if APS shows up at their house and your parents tell the investigator that they aren't being held hostage and they see no signs of neglect or abuse (including financial)... then there's not a lot that you can do.
I'm so sorry for this distressing situation.
This is why I stated " strained " relationship .
When my parents moved in with my sister and her second husband, I made 14 attempts to talk to my sister about my parents, new living situation and how I could help, or take them for an assigned weekend.
I have never gotten a response from my sister back then
I document everything the 14 attempts included calls to her office, messages to her secretary, letters to her office letters to her home.
I believe both she and her husband began isolating me from my parents back then.
My sibling did this & I found out with the help of a lawyer that he had my mom amend her trust to him 100% when she had dementia.
It’s harder because she’s living in your sister’s home but don’t give up. Try an elder law attorney who is used to dealing with these situations. Best of luck to you!