Sister with POA not presenting forms, but nobody even asks to see them, common?
My sister and I used to have dual POA for parents who moved to ALF last year. Parents gave me copies of their paperwork (Will, Trust, POA, and advance directives) a few years ago. I provided the paperwork to the ALF for their file. However, five weeks before my dad died, my sister arranged for an attorney to meet her and our parents at their ALF and she revised "all the paperwork" as she later told me. She said she is now DPOA, and my name was removed because they only needed one person as POA (different story, but I know that is untrue).
I have no relationship with my sister and have spoken to her only briefly in recent years. I asked the attorney for copies of the revised paperwork, but she refused. So, I cannot legally advocate for my mom, and I do not know what her documented wishes are. Mom's caregivers at the ALF (memory care) occasionally still call me asking questions about her care that I will not answer. I always tell them to contact my sister who is DPOA, and they just keep saying they do not have the current forms. Mom has moderate dementia and while hospitalized a few times, hospital staff has called me and I go through the same explanation with them. They never have copies of mom's directives. On occasion I have told staff what mom's directives were as I knew them - and they seem agreeable to accept my word. I have to repeat that they should however ask my sister for the latest information. Sometimes it seems that if I just answered their questions, they would act on that without proof that I can legally make those decisions for her.
Is this common? It seems clear to me that my sister is not giving the current paperwork to any care staff. Now, I wonder if perhaps the staff does not even reference them anyway as long as someone in the family is willing to provide answers.
I think the witholding of paperwork is your sister and her lawyer trying to get away with something, but you know what? It's not your problem anymore.
I have seen POAs that each person could act independently of one another.
Just curious.
I want to acknowledge you, yes, it is a lonely place when you are handling the things you are alone. Great big warm hug!! You have done great by your parents, be proud of that fact.
Your sister, well, I am a firm believer that we will answer for our actions and I would not want to be in her shoes when that time comes.
Not everyone can handle authority, they are to stupid and muck it up but, they have the authority bygumm! Yep, and the accountability for how you use that authority. She will be held responsible for her actions.
You say below that you have checked in with an attorney already, and that Dad's bank has accepted this new POA for all accounts.
Thanks for being so involved in discussion here with your answers. That helps so very much.
I think this is over. Question now, who is the second.
If you aren't, just ask sister to let you know. She may have made son in law, her hubby, her child in charge as second.
Once a bank sees and says yes to these documents you pretty much know they are solid, and you have done all you can including speaking with an attorney.
Sounds like this is over.
I am sorry if you and sister are estranged. It is so much easier when the family is tight and helping one another instead of placing hurdles in the path.
I would step back and away from it now. Just visit as a loving daughter until the end and it's over.
They call you and take your word because you actually supplied the documents that you are named on.
I am so sorry you are going through this crap. I would, personally, stand up and claim that I have POA, since you have never seen anything to change that.
I would, also, file a complaint against the attorney that went to the ALF with the state Bar association. This death bed changing legal documents is suspect at best.
I did speak to a lawyer about the death bed changes. The lawyer told me it was not "illegal" to have made changes - however, any attorney under the situation needed to use good judgement which is open to interpretation. The lawyer also informed me that in my State, the legal verbiage is vague and the bar is low. So, he said there may not have been any actual "illegal" actions. However, it is FOR SURE unethical in my view and exploitive on my sister's part.
My sister's actions that followed the revisions however are what I believe may indeed be illegal or fall under financial abuse of an elder. It is solely up to me and me alone to do anything about it as nobody else in this equation (not the Director at the ALF nor any social worker at the hospital) said it is in their scope to get involved in family affairs. It is a lonely position to hold.
I suggest you ask for a meeting with the Executive Director. Tell her or him that your sister has told you that your original POA and other documents have been replaced but she has not shared them, and that it's important for the facility to have accurate, up-to-date information and documents on hand. Because it is! Should an emergency situation arise involving your mother's care, or financial issue, there could be repercussions if they have the wrong information.
Find out what documents they actually have on hand. Since you provided the original set of documents, they should be willing to speak with you about it. They may not be able to legally show newer replacement documents. If they don't have anything newer, ask them to get in touch with your sister to clarify the situation, and to tell her she needs to send replacement documents if they are in effect. Ideally, they would call your sister while you're there and speak with her, although that might not work out logistically.
Don't be adversarial about this. Be friendly and approach it as a partner with them working on solving this problem on behalf of your mother.
I wish you luck with this. It's unfortunate that your sister has made this difficult.
Much better to have one, with the other person listed as successor in time of need, given resignation, death, injury to the primary POA.
Do you have nothing now but your Sister's word that POA is no longer yours?
It concerns me that the POA hasn't registered with mom's facility, so I would again go to that facility and say:
1. I was told by my sister that I am no longer POA, but SHE IS.
2. Attorney and sister will not allow me to see any paperwork.
3. This is Sister's name and phone. Please contact her for paperwork. If she refuses to provide it I will get an attorney to investigate whether or not she has lied to me.
You need now to know WHETHER OR NOT sis has lied to you. You need to know if you are the POA or not. You cannot read the document, but you SHOULD HAVE BEEN contacted by the attorney telling you that you a no longer POA. If the attorney refuses to even tell you whether or not you are the POA you are going to need to consult your own attorney.
I can't tell/ don't know whether or not your Sis is somewhat squirrely overall, or not. But you NEED TO KNOW who the POA is, if you are not.
Clearly you aren't handling finances? Were you ever? Were you listed as a signee on mom's accounts by your POA? Were you paying her bills? Because if so all that needs to be changed to the new POA.
And as far as any of this goes? Good riddance to all the trouble of it, if indeed you aren't POA any more. It's a job. Free yourself of it and allow yourself to be the visiting daughter. It is just important now that the facility itself has the papers.
Clearly you don't get alone with Sis. So write a note and say "Hi Sis. I understand you are now POA. Unfortunately the facility is calling ME for everything; they claim they have no new papers. That's a problem. I have asked them to contact you for the POA forms. If they tell me in one month time they do not have them I will have to hire an attorney to investigate all this, or APS to open a case. I can't have them calling ME if I am not a POA. Love to you. Your loving sis, Ginger".
That's it. Then do that. Hope she presents them. If not, this may have to go before a judge, with an attorney. And DO check with APS if they can simply make a visit on behalf of mom and her nursing home to get new documents in place. They are LEGAL DOCUMENTS and need to be there. Not the will and etc. But the POA.