My mom is a toxic, narcissistic person who has caused me pain and irreparable damage that I haven't been able to recover let alone forgive or forget. We were no contact for close to 2 years, but then she ended up in the hospital. She has gaslit me all my life, most currently failed to mention that the auto payment from her bank account for $45 a month from her account to my account was for her cell phone that was in my name. She told her brother she didn't know what it was for and then closed her account and stopped paying me, which being uninformed caused me to become overdrawn on my account. Eventually it was resolved, when paid me back but in the meantime we re-established contact and then she cut off what little support she had from others. I had become friends with a woman who happened to be a CNA. She was living with a hospice patient whose family immediately relieved her from duties at 11p at night putting her out in the street. I offered her a couch and eventually she landed at my mom's. She was and is a blessing. Unfortunately she and I have had a falling out that I just can't reconcile. As much as I want to set aside political differences, it hasn't been possible. She would say she would be open to dialogue and factual debate but then turn around and accuse me of oppressing her, and trying to control her. I tried dropping the topics, biting my tongue, but it became so offensive and hostile as though I was the enemy for pointing out she voted against her own self-interests (as well as mine and my mother's) after she insulted me for being a liberal by describing someone as an "obvious liberal" because they were cultured, enjoyed good food and good music, which was just incredible arbitrary and things became so heated she threatened me with physical harm. I have exchanged a few texts, but now she stopped responding.
She mentioned moving out of state (to her ex-abuser boyfriend) which I suggested may be a bad decision, which of course wasn't received well. My mom isn't rich, she doesn't have much to offer and not much to take. The caregiver is kind and providing good care, I know that, but I am not sure what I'm going to do when she leaves. I asked her to let me know when so I can prepare, but what can I do? This woman confuses me with her sister who tried to break up the family for confronting her father with allegations of sexual abuse. She's always compared me to her, but recently actually confused me with her. And ironically, I was abused by my stepfather and made the same allegations which she initially refused to believe but later he admitted to her. She left me with him when she divorced him when I was 17.
Your mom is the responsibility of whatever state she resides in
"My only concern is who to call to prepare for the transition of her care. What is APS?"
Adult Protective Services. Each county has this (like CPS, Child Protective Services)
You don't do anything more than call APS to alert them to your Mom as a vulnerable adult. Then step back and prepare to do nothing further. APS will do it for you. The more you insert yourself, the longer it will take for your Mom to get appropriate care. And, it would mean crossing over your own boundary. No. Don't do it. Be 100% uninvolved.
I wish you success in finding a better therapist. I'm so sorry for the trauma of your past. Have you ever tried EMDR? My good friend is an expert who teaches therapists how to conduct EMDR therapy for their trauma clients. I've never heard a bad thing about it.
Free live-in homecare and the OP had to get into it with the politics.
Some people just can't walk past a pot of sh*t without stopping to stir it.
You should have been agreeing and nodding your head with everything she says no matter how asinine and ridiculous it sounds. She works for free for your mother. She wasn't going into the voting booth with you, was she? So you can have any political view you want and vote any way you want.
So here's what happens if the caregiver leaves. You call APS and tell them your mother with advanced dementia living alone and you are not her caregiver. Let her become a Ward of the State and they will get her placed in a memory care facility. Or hire a live-in caregiver which isn't possible unless she can afford it. You don't owe your mother anything if she was as nasty to you as you say, and I believe you.
Secondly, there's a confusing mixing-up of your own financial and practical needs (the phone situation) with your mother's.
Thirdly, there is a tendency to mistake a professional hired caregiver as someone whose political and relationship-lives are in some way your personal business.
I believe you should remove yourself from the life of your mother and return to the estranged situation pre-existing. This acknowledged toxic relationship in which the boundaries for you both are ill-defined seems to me not conducive to an independent and whole life for you.
IMHO you should perhaps consider a good cognitive therapist in this coming new year (none of that online nonsense). Move the focus to your own healings, well-being, and to living a life of wholeness and independence that you can be proud of.
It's unclear to me, as you discuss it very little, what exactly your mother's current needs are. But it seems she is mentally fit to make her own decisions. If you feel, however, that she is in any way a senior at risk, do refer her to APS as you exit her premises.
I would say that nothing good can come of the present circumstances, in the little you tell us here. It seems harmful to all involved and quite chaotic. I think you haven't any tools to address the many issues mentioned, and that they are created out of poor boundaries for all involved.
I would bow back out of the situation, return to your own life, and work on your own healing in this new year. I wish you the very best of luck in that.
You need to make a decision about whether, when the caregiver leaves, you want to help your mother find a new one, who will be paid, in which case you should start searching now; or whether you will leave it to your mother to find a new caregiver herself, in which case you should tell her now that you won't be helping her find someone new, and that you have treated the caregiver disrespectfully so she probably will leave.
Why do you care where the caregiver moves? It's none of your business and you can't control it anyway. You have enough on your plate with your poor health.
"This woman confuses me with her sister who tried to break up the family for confronting her father with allegations of sexual abuse. "
"She's always compared me to her, but recently actually confused me with her. And ironically, I was abused by my stepfather and made the same allegations which she initially refused to believe but later he admitted to her. She left me with him when she divorced him when I was 17."
Who are you talking about here? The caregiver? Or your Mom? Your post is confusing. Can you please come back and clarify it?
Maybe this CNA would be willing to stay with mom if she were offered wages for her services, like most CNAs would expect to happen. Were I in this CNA's shoes, I would leave as well.