Trying to understand aging...
My mother is 94. Six months ago, she was still pretty mobile, but has declined since. She takes very few medications. She has had 2 knows strokes (one in 1982 and one in 2005) and a heart attack (5 years ago). She has expressive aphasia, I am told as a result of previous strokes (or TIAs that went undetected). The aphasia really started in Sept. 2016, though, and has gotten progressively worse (I am told as a result of strokes, but that is an unknown.). That is really the only real "issue" she has -- no dementia diagnosis; but she occasionally appears to show some signs of sundowners. Her blood work, CT scans, urinalyses, etc., have all come back fine. She is sleeping more and more, though. Lately, she has had a several bad days -- sleeping most of the time, speech is bad, can't walk well, falling. Then she will have a few good days. Since I am one who likes to know answers to things... can anyone explain this? It is a normal progression to an eventual and total decline? What do I look for to know that she will not be with us long? On the bad days, I think, "This is it." On the good days, I think, "She will be around another 6 months." It has been an emotional roller coaster the past few days....
I had a similar thing happen with my mother. When she lived with us a few months ago, she would take off all her clothes and urinate on her bedroom floor. Thankfully, my floors are tile. We would have to "tape" her pjs on her or she would wiggle them off, remove the 2 diapers in the bed and urinate. I had many layers of Chux, other bed pads and a 'waterproof' mattress cover but I was terrified that she would soak the mattress. We couldn't afford to buy a new one.
She would also stay awake all night, so we had to hire a night sitter. When she lost control of her bowels, I knew it was going to be too much for all of us (hubs, the sitter and me). We had to put her back into memory care . My back is bad from 39 years of lifting patients and hubs had a previous back injury also.
Please heed your body's warning signs. When you can no longer lift or assist her without pain or difficulty, it's time to give up hands on caregiving. Many a caregiver is in worse physical shape than the person they care for. It sounds as if your time to place her is near. Please don't feel guilty for knowing your physical limitations. It sounds like she requires more care than you and your brother can provide. Even though you hired help for 12 hours, who will do the other 12?
You're not a bad child for having her live where there are 3 shifts of fresh young aides to help her. It's also not fair to have your brother try to assist her if he isn't well also.
I don't think there is an answer to your question because I've been searching for it too. Everyone's experience is different. I'm watching a continous decline but then there will be a good day where she's more alert. She's in much worse shape than a year ago. I think it will just happen. We don't have access to God's book of birth and death dates.
I feel like I'm waiting for a bomb to drop and can't do anything about it.
Many of us here feel our parents have outlived any quality of life. My own mother is 105, and always was very active, but started showing signs of dementia in her late 90s. This quickly led to loss of mobility. and now she sits in a wheelchair in front of the tv for the mornings, has lunch, sleeps in the afternoon, is gotten up for supper and put to bed not long after that. She attends a few of the offered activities a week. She can hardly speak, and understands less and less. It isn't a pretty picture, but it could go on for some years yet. And we wonder why. Truthfully, I want it over for mother. She has little quality of life. I know she was ready to go once she reached 100, but neither she nor I are in charge of her life span. Please try to let go of the guilt. What you are feeling is very normal. I think we all are going through some anticipatory grief. It is a difficult time in families.
Does your mother have a walker or other devices to help her her from falling? I am afraid all you can do is care for her where she is at. Has the dr not done any tests to identify new strokes? My father had similar episodes and eventually was diagnosed with vascular dementia. He would fall, black out, then sleep and appear to recover. but the damage accumulated. He still lived a number of years after this started, declining slowly till he was bedridden and finally the brain damage took him. As with mother, his heart and other organs were strong.
As for the sleeping, have your Mom's primary doctor look over the list of medicines Mom is taking. So many can cause one to feel very sleepy. Also, if your Mom isn't mobile and not doing thing around the house, she will fall asleep a lot during the day. I would drop by to visit my folks, and both would be totally zoned out to a point where they didn't even hear me ring the doorbell.
There will be good days and bad days. Keep a journal to see if there is a pattern. Weather can cause changes. Rainy days can make one feel achy, and with no sunshine, a bit grumpy. And one also needs to know once into their 90's, they have lived a very long long long time, so they are entitled to be tired :)
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