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my mom has dementia but other than forgetting what she just said or being confused at times she’s doing OK. My dad is in perfect condition but he’s 89. They were living alone in a condominium in Florida. I felt it was no longer appropriate for them to be alone as he couldn’t keep up with the meals cleaning, etc. so I moved them into independent living. Now I’m getting comments from other residents about my mom’s memory and I feel terrible. Perhaps I should have put them into assisted-living. Should I move immediately to get them over there or wait and see what happens. I can’t separate the two of them, but dad will hate assisted-living. Thank you so much.

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Dad doesn't "have to" use the caregiving services at AL, but mom needs them. They'll have a regular apartment in AL, and all meals provided, activities etc, so dad can stay in the apartment all day if he so desires. Mom can get help with showering and anything else she needs, letting dad off the hook.

What's to "hate", I don't get it. If you keep them in IL and mom has a crisis, or dad for that matter, then you are under the gun to get them moved immediately, under duress. The handwriting is on the wall, it's up to you when you make the move for them.

The only potential issue I can foresee is the AL insisting mom go into Memory Care w/o dad, which wouldn't work. Make it clear they cannot be separated.

Good luck to you.
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The "problem" with Independent Living is that it is INDEPENDENT and the staff can not help dad or mom at all.
So if dad does need help with mom he can not ask staff to do anything.
(from a friend of mine that is IL if she fell the staff is not allowed to help them up, they have to call 911 for a Lift Assist.)

Assisted Living might have been a better option. The facility where they are currently, does it have levels of care? Maybe a move to AL is appropriate now and it might be that mom may need Memory Care in the near future.
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cwillie avatar
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cwillie Jun 24, 2024
I've heard of Assisted living places that won't help a person up from a fall but routinely call for a lift assist instead, often you end up paying a lot more money for a very similar level of service.
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Very often these places are like being back in high school complete with cliques and judgmental comments, a good friend of mine heard lots of tsk tsk commentary about her mother and others who "shouldn't be there". As long as your parents are coping and the management isn't telling you otherwise you need to let this roll off your back, but do make an plan about the inevitable next step lest a crisis forces you to act in haste.
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If your parents are doing ok . Let them be for now , unless you see problems with incontinence , hygiene , wandering etc.
If Dad is still able to supervise her then fine . That would be the same as him supervising at home . You said you moved them to independent living for the help with meals , cleaning , etc.

The other residents are busy bodies .
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waytomisery Jun 24, 2024
If things change and are waiting for space in assisted living , hiring an aide to come in can help bridge the gap until they are moved .
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