Mom was just moved to a skilled nursing facility a week ago. This is new for her, and she’s not happy. She just wants to go home. With a diagnosis of moderate dementia, she cannot live alone anymore, and she refused to allow me to hire help to come in. She does not believe she needs help, maintains that she can take care of the apartment herself, etc. (It’s been me doing everything, driving an hour to her apartment, grocery shopping, preparing meals, changing sheets, doing laundry, emptying the commode, cleaning the bathroom, helping her shower & shampoo, etc. She has a house cleaner who comes in once a month, and that is the only thing she has been willing to allow.) She couldn’t manage taking her pills anymore, either, and she won’t allow us to have someone come in just to give her the pills twice a day. So, the SNF is what we’ve come to. ANYWAY, visits have been mostly fine, but it’s always hard when it’s time for us to leave. We have learned that if we say, “I’m going to head home now,” that sets her off asking, “Who’s going to take me home? How will I get there? What do you MEAN I have to stay here?! WHY?! I WANT TO GO HOME!!”
So, I’m curious how you make your exit without setting up a scene? I can’t just disappear. I walked out of her room the other day to find her a newspaper and she really lost it, because she didn’t know where I went and started screaming my name.
Thanks!
And yes, we try never sit in her room, only in commons area, otherwise its even more tough to leave
Yesterday we told her that we had not eaten lunch yet and had to go get lunch ... it was 2:30. She accepted that. Maybe I should come up with a bunch of excuses like this, write them on slips of paper and pull a different one each day to change it up ... lunch, doctor, dentist, haircut ... 😝😝
Watch some Teepa Snow videos on YouTube to learn some techniques for loved ones with dementia. Read the book “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande.
Know that this stage will pass.
Hugs for you and your mom.
I used to visit after lunch from 1:00 PM to 2:30 or 3:00 PM, but Mom would get upset when I told that I needed to go home and/ needed to run some errands; and suggested she (Mom) might want to take a nap. She would fight the nursing staff when they tried to take her to the toilet or lay her down for a nap right after I left.
Mom...I have a Doctor's appointment I will be back later...
Before you leave maybe bring Mom to a table of other residents and give her a magazine or get her engaged in a project then you can quietly leave.
Or
If she takes a nap maybe you can help get her into bed then leave...
My Husband was at home (I had caregivers that would come in) and when I left I always told him I was going to work, I will be back alter then I would give him a kiss and be off. (he would give me a kiss back!) As soon as I got back I would go over and tell him I was home and give him a kiss.