My mom lives with me and her newest thing regarding her dementia has been to sometimes forget who I am. She knows she has a daughter but in her mind, I believe, she is thinking of a younger version of me.
My dilemma is that I’m not sure how to respond when she asks me if she can call her daughter, who is me. One time I gave her the landline phone and told her to call her daughter, and ran to the basement and answered my cell phone. I told her I was doing laundry and would be right up. When I came up, she again recognized me.
Today that trick did not work. Most times she starts to get really nervous and scared because she can’t figure out what is going on. I know I’m not handling things in a good way sometimes.
Has anyone else had this happen? What is a good way to respond when she asks me to call me?
At some point mom isn't going to know you at all, and will be in some danger with your attempt to manage the enormity of 24/7 care; that may be the time to simply place here. In all honesty, often at that point the unfamiliar "friends" all around remove any need to attempt to confabulate and pretend she knows what's happening. There is sometimes more rest, companionship, and more interesting things to see.
I sure wish you good luck. This is so hard.
This ALZ is different for everyone and you will need to find something that works for you.
BTW - love the phone trick that was very clever!
When my Husband and I were in a store and he would begin to wander off I would ask where he was going. His reply a few times was "I'm going to look for my wife" and I would ask him if it was alright if I walked with him until we found her. I would check out if we were close to the exit and walk him to the car, as soon as he saw the car he would go right up to is.
There were times I put frozen items back, refrigerated items back and we would leave the store.
You can simply tell her your name.
Sometimes leaving the room then coming back will help.
If she gets real upset during these times you can talk to her doctor about medication for anxiety.
I am so sorry that you are going through this, it is hard at first to be forgotten by a loved one. Just keep being you and she will know that you are a person she can depend on and that loves her, no matter who you are.
My grannie couldn't remember her daughter sitting across from her and I am sure she thought I was my younger mom for a time but, she always felt the love and responded to that.
You are doing great!
Everyone wears Alzheimers differently. I tell mom that she’ll (me) will be right back. I give no details and she is happy with that. She may ask again shortly after and I’ll say the same thing. After a while mom will move on to something else. Hope this works for you.
'I'm your daughter's friend and am helping her to be here with you." She may soon forget the conversation and snap back to normal. Sometimes it can agitate/confuse the person more by trying to correct them.
I thought it would be forever and I was sad, yet resigned. All that mattered was that Mum was made comfortable.
Thankfully, it was short-lived and Mum started to recognise me again. But I noticed she often didn't recognise me as the dementia got worse. She would pretend she knew who I was until she picked up on a clue as to my identity. She would fake it til she could make it.
Mom, I am your daughter B_____.
change the subject and ask her a diversionary question
"What do you want for dinner?"
"What do you want to do tomorrow?
I found that when Mom was at this stage it helped to use clear, concise words and speak in simple sentences.
Another option
"Mom you called me earlier and I am your daughter Amy."
Use diversion
What do you want for dinner?
"I am your daughter Amy. I am here to fix you dinner."
"I am your daughter Amy. We will watch tv tonight."
Be reassuring and use clear concise simple sentences.
Maybe you already do this, so forgive my further suggestions, but do you have a few 5"x7" framed photos of the two of you around the room? Label them with your names under each smiling face. And perhaps a label on top saying something familiar to her, for instance "We love singing…..", name the song, and start singing it when she's lost. Another photo of the two of you can have a label on top reading "Amy says - No matter how old I get, I'll always love my mom Betty".
If you can, get a couple of cobbler's aprons that are exactly the same (both solid blue or pink, your choice), with your embroidered name on it , an apron that could be worn over whatever daily changed outfit you have on. She will eventually not notice your name but hopefully it will buy time and she'll continue to equate for a little while longer the consistency of the apron style and the color with familiarity, safety, good food, giggles and love. Don't let anyone else wear those particular aprons.
Stay strong.
I can't imagine how painful this must feel to you.
* If I were you, I would have available to her photos of you throughout your life.
* I would keep this simple: "I'll let her know. In the meantime, can I give you a hug and fix you lunch? (change the subject showing compassion and love).
* Try not to take it personally, if that is even possible.
* Contact TEEPA SNOW - watch her webinars, you tubes, buy her books.
* Listen to others' You Tubes "my mother doesn't know who I am ... how do I handle this?'
* Realize that you cannot manage her fears / delusions with tricks. She likely needs to be medicated. Contact her MD.
* Distractions are very helpful.
- Have a 'list' of 'what I can do when' she gets upset / confused / overwhelmed.
Music ?
photo album ?
You pick up phone and say you are calling her daughter and leave a message (you aren't calling anyone) ...
take her hand / hold her hand and look in her eyes - be present with her ... perhaps say that everything will be okay.
Massage / touch is always good (if she is open to it).
Gena / Touch Matters
Stay Strong