Follow
Share

My mom lives with me and her newest thing regarding her dementia has been to sometimes forget who I am. She knows she has a daughter but in her mind, I believe, she is thinking of a younger version of me.


My dilemma is that I’m not sure how to respond when she asks me if she can call her daughter, who is me. One time I gave her the landline phone and told her to call her daughter, and ran to the basement and answered my cell phone. I told her I was doing laundry and would be right up. When I came up, she again recognized me.


Today that trick did not work. Most times she starts to get really nervous and scared because she can’t figure out what is going on. I know I’m not handling things in a good way sometimes.


Has anyone else had this happen? What is a good way to respond when she asks me to call me?

I don’t have any advice but just want to express sympathy.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to MG8522
Report

Yes, this is quite common to the latter stages. There can be any response that makes you most comfortable at this point, because none of them will stick for too long, or even work. You can say "I am your darling daughter; I just look older now" or anything you want. I am so sorry.
At some point mom isn't going to know you at all, and will be in some danger with your attempt to manage the enormity of 24/7 care; that may be the time to simply place here. In all honesty, often at that point the unfamiliar "friends" all around remove any need to attempt to confabulate and pretend she knows what's happening. There is sometimes more rest, companionship, and more interesting things to see.

I sure wish you good luck. This is so hard.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report
MiaMoor Apr 4, 2025
I absolutely agree with strangers sometimes being easier for a person with dementia to deal with. Mum found trying to understand, or pretending to know what we were talking about, such an effort.
(2)
Report
My daddy forgot my name - he knew I was someone he could trust. He was never afraid of me but I only had to deal with this for one year. Some people have to deal with it for years! I was thinking maybe you can get a photo of you younger and make a face mask and wear it as you are around her. With ALZ we have to think outside the box and that just came to mind. I had a friend who's husband had ALZ and would water the plants over and over and over killing them. Finally she purchased plastic flowers and plants and let him water them.
This ALZ is different for everyone and you will need to find something that works for you.
BTW - love the phone trick that was very clever!
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Ohwow323
Report

Do what is less stressful for your mom.
When my Husband and I were in a store and he would begin to wander off I would ask where he was going. His reply a few times was "I'm going to look for my wife" and I would ask him if it was alright if I walked with him until we found her. I would check out if we were close to the exit and walk him to the car, as soon as he saw the car he would go right up to is.
There were times I put frozen items back, refrigerated items back and we would leave the store.

You can simply tell her your name.
Sometimes leaving the room then coming back will help.
If she gets real upset during these times you can talk to her doctor about medication for anxiety.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Grandma1954
Report

I would tell her, her daughter is working but, she can try calling. Then you can let it go to voice mail and call back later.

I am so sorry that you are going through this, it is hard at first to be forgotten by a loved one. Just keep being you and she will know that you are a person she can depend on and that loves her, no matter who you are.

My grannie couldn't remember her daughter sitting across from her and I am sure she thought I was my younger mom for a time but, she always felt the love and responded to that.

You are doing great!
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
Report

My mom does the same. Sometimes she knows who I am. Most times she does not. I feel that I am familiar to her. She just can’t make the connection. She’s a great mother.

Everyone wears Alzheimers differently. I tell mom that she’ll (me) will be right back. I give no details and she is happy with that. She may ask again shortly after and I’ll say the same thing. After a while mom will move on to something else. Hope this works for you.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to Tdiehsner
Report

I might try just playing along. Perhaps ask her who does she think you are. Or that
'I'm your daughter's friend and am helping her to be here with you." She may soon forget the conversation and snap back to normal. Sometimes it can agitate/confuse the person more by trying to correct them.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to SOS369
Report

When Mum couldn't recognise me (and only me) after her stroke, at first I laughed and said, ”Of course I'm Mia!" But, then, I noticed how upset, confused and angry she was by my "lying" to her. So, I told her that her daughter would see her soon, that she was at work, or she'd called and said she hopes her day goes well, etc.

I thought it would be forever and I was sad, yet resigned. All that mattered was that Mum was made comfortable.

Thankfully, it was short-lived and Mum started to recognise me again. But I noticed she often didn't recognise me as the dementia got worse. She would pretend she knew who I was until she picked up on a clue as to my identity. She would fake it til she could make it.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to MiaMoor
Report

Say in very clear, easy to understand tone.

Mom, I am your daughter B_____.

change the subject and ask her a diversionary question

"What do you want for dinner?"
"What do you want to do tomorrow?
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to brandee
Report

Amy, I will add that I am sorry you are going through this.

I found that when Mom was at this stage it helped to use clear, concise words and speak in simple sentences.

Another option
"Mom you called me earlier and I am your daughter Amy."
Use diversion
What do you want for dinner?
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to brandee
Report

I'll further add if she is nervous and scared use reassuring words and simple sentences.

"I am your daughter Amy. I am here to fix you dinner."
"I am your daughter Amy. We will watch tv tonight."

Be reassuring and use clear concise simple sentences.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to brandee
Report

When she asks you to phone her daughter/you, say that it's a great idea and that you will, then immediately ask her to tell you the best things about Amy. Compliment her by saying how fortunate she is to have a caring daughter, also that she did a great job raising such a thoughtful (or funny) gal, and that you wish you were her daughter. Then ask her if she's had lunch and what does she like to do best.
Maybe you already do this, so forgive my further suggestions, but do you have a few 5"x7" framed photos of the two of you around the room? Label them with your names under each smiling face. And perhaps a label on top saying something familiar to her, for instance "We love singing…..", name the song, and start singing it when she's lost. Another photo of the two of you can have a label on top reading "Amy says - No matter how old I get, I'll always love my mom Betty".
If you can, get a couple of cobbler's aprons that are exactly the same (both solid blue or pink, your choice), with your embroidered name on it , an apron that could be worn over whatever daily changed outfit you have on. She will eventually not notice your name but hopefully it will buy time and she'll continue to equate for a little while longer the consistency of the apron style and the color with familiarity, safety, good food, giggles and love. Don't let anyone else wear those particular aprons.
Stay strong.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to MicheleDL
Report

Your first strategy seems like a good one - as long as she recognizes your voice. If she stops recognizing your voice, tell her that you like her and that her family wanted you to help her today.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Taarna
Report

Maybe you could try telling your Mom, "What a coincidence that my name is Amy too. Your daughter sent me to help you while she went out".
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to JanPeck123
Report

Just smile, look into her eyes and say gently, Mom, its me, "Amy" your daughter, as always. I love you, Mom.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Evonne1954
Report

How about “Hi, Mommy, I’m your daughter, Amy”,
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Patathome01
Report

My mom confused me with her sister since our voice sound similar. I would just tell my mom it's your daughter and it's just me your daughter. I reassured her everything is fine.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Onlychild2024
Report

My heart goes out to you.
I can't imagine how painful this must feel to you.
* If I were you, I would have available to her photos of you throughout your life.
* I would keep this simple: "I'll let her know. In the meantime, can I give you a hug and fix you lunch? (change the subject showing compassion and love).
* Try not to take it personally, if that is even possible.
* Contact TEEPA SNOW - watch her webinars, you tubes, buy her books.
* Listen to others' You Tubes "my mother doesn't know who I am ... how do I handle this?'

* Realize that you cannot manage her fears / delusions with tricks. She likely needs to be medicated. Contact her MD.

* Distractions are very helpful.

- Have a 'list' of 'what I can do when' she gets upset / confused / overwhelmed.

Music ?

photo album ?

You pick up phone and say you are calling her daughter and leave a message (you aren't calling anyone) ...

take her hand / hold her hand and look in her eyes - be present with her ... perhaps say that everything will be okay.

Massage / touch is always good (if she is open to it).

Gena / Touch Matters
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to TouchMatters
Report

I was mom’s part-time caregiver, especially in her last 14 months. (She had a live-in caregiver, whom I relieved a few times a week.) When mom asked who I was was (she could not see well), I would tell her my name. For a a time, she knew me as her daughter and asked me about my cats or cooking or anything she wanted. But eventually, dementia took over, and she often thought I was her sister, and that was okay. She would call me on the phone, know my name, and say, “This is your sister.” I would tell her what I was doing and ask her about what she was doing. I learned that with my own mother, as long as she felt safe and comfortable and as if she was part of a conversation or activity, she would be content. And that was important to me. She knew I was there or on the phone, and that is what she needed. It never bothered me that she did not remember how we fit together as part of a family. We had that relationship for over 76 years. The last stretch of time we had a different relationship, but we loved one another however we could.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to KailaS
Report

You could say she is working or not home, and she can try again later. My mom doesn't recognize me sometimes. She will say Laurie doesn't come and see her. I will say Laurie loves you and will be here soon. Then she says ok. Other times I will switch her focus to something else. Music, her photos, etc. It's hard. It's really hard when she asks where my dad is. I don't tell her he passed away because I don't want her to go through grieving again and again. When she calls me her sister or even her mom, I just go with it.

Stay Strong
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to LaurieEV
Report

My husband and I are caregivers for my MIL. She often refers to us as a sibling or even her mother. I think the theme here is to just say reassure in a calm way. We don’t correct her or we’d be correcting her all the time. More often we don’t even know what she is asking or saying but we just smile and say something neutral lik “maybe” then move on to another thought. When she asks to go to see her mother or to go home, we always say let’s talk about that tomorrow and that satisfy her. When we go for a walk outside of the apartment and return she is always so amazed that this new place has the same stuff we have. I just say well, we are back in our home and change the subject. That is the most successful method we have used. We make a lot of effort to have conversation when she tries because it will help her express herself for longer…even if that expression is somewhat confused, it is good for her. I try to guess what she might be saying. Once she asked where her brother Francis slept and she meant her son, my husband. I told her in that bedroom. She said where do you sleep. I said I sleep in there too. She looked at me kind of funny but could not totally get what was wrong in all that and i just moved on.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to RetiredBrain
Report

Could you tell her that you called but there was no response and you left a message? Then propose some other activity while you wait for the supposed call back. She'll probably have forgotten by then. If the anxiety gets out of control or she has hallucinations that lead to dangerous behavior her doctor may prescribe some medications, but it sounds like she is OK at this moment and you are giving her the best care you can. Unfortunately with dementia you often have to go by trial end error. Don't blame yourself if you feel that you didn't handle things the right way, we are humans and can just do our best.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to AnnaKat
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter