I lost my mama one year ago today, after caring for her for two years, and caring for my MIL who had FTD a few years before that. I had to quit my job (that I absolutely loved) because she didn’t want to go into a care home. She only got worse because she wouldn’t keep mobile or take care of herself. I feel like I’ve lost my positive outlook, my sense of humor and my sense of self. I didn’t have the best emotional support from family/friends. And I just have a hard time motivating myself which is highly unusual for me. Maybe it’s just because of her death anniversary today? What has anyone else done to try to find themselves again after the death of the LO that they cared for?
On some level, at the end, most children of very elderly parents have been waiting for it to happen. Have been hoping for it to happen. And when it does, the guilt of that is hard to manage, when the truth is that FINALLY they are free of witnessing loss and torture of one they love, and standing helpless witness to loss upon loss.
Takes a little adjustment all that. We are so much more than the roles we assume in life. And the more roles we take on the more the pieces of our "whole" are seperated out like a puzzle to be put back together into some picture we can live with.
I didn't do hands on care for my brother, but when someone who you had a lifetime as your solid single thing you could depend on, begins a descent into Lewy's Dementia, things change. My brother hoped to die before it robbed him of all control--control for him was so important in his life. He managed to do that about 2 years after diagnosis. He was one of the lucky ones, and so was I, because I didn't have to see the changes that were inevitably on the way.
It helped me after his death to keep a diary of "writings and letters" to him. Things I remembered of our past, of the last years. Things I saw that reminded me of him. I collaged it. It was a kind of Zen in which I could talk to him, my most trusted confidant. It helped me sort feelings.
Give yourself the time you need. If you need help get a good cognitive therapist who will help you sort and manage feelings more productively. The DSM-5 listed complicated grieving as a covered diagnosis now. And many people need some few or even more sessions. A REAL therapist. None of that online nonsense.
I wish you good luck. Try to remember the good times, the long life, the celebrations. Get out and do things even if at first that is hard. Walk. Go to a Museum. Work in the yard. Cook. Read a book that take you out of your world into another.
You won't forget. But you will manage it. And will even learn from it. I wish you good luck.
It does take time to let go of the caregiver role . You are finding that you need to learn to live your own life again .
Try to remember things you did before caregiving that you enjoyed . Pick up old hobbies or new hobbies . Join a book club , or other activities you may like, possibly meet new friends. Set up some routines for yourself .
I’m sorry for your loss and that you did not have emotional support from friends and family.
There also some grief counselors who give individual sessions either online or in person, if your budget allows. Since they are trained experts, it might not take very many sessions if they can help pinpoint specific strategies for you.
I hope those reading who are considering giving up their jobs for a parent who refuses to get care will see the downside of giving in to this demand. (Not criticizing you for doing it; it was generous of you. But that journey is often different from what is expected.)
Everyone is different so I'm sure the time frames differ from person to person, so be patient with yourself as it's only been a year that your mom died.
My late husband died 4 1/2 years ago, and I cared for him for many years. And while I have made great progress in rebuilding my life, I feel like I'm still on a journey with figuring out who I am now and what I want to do with the rest of my life.
I do a lot of volunteer work for different charities in my city, and I truly love doing that. And even though I don't have everything figured out yet, I can tell you honestly that I am enjoying the journey and making the best of every day that the Good Lord gives me.