My mom and stepdad have been together 35 + years and still live in a house. They have been getting in-home care 9 hours a day M-F since February. My stepsisters who live nearby have been helping them on the weekends with medications and meals. I live in a different state but regularly call my mom, the in-home care providers and my stepsisters. Recently my moms belligerent behavior and outbursts have caused a couple of her care providers to quit. And my stepsisters think my mom is verbally abusive to their dad. We have already adjusted her medication a couple of times over the last several months and it seems to help initially and then she goes back to the same behavior. Recently she and her husband were in a grocery store with the caregiver who would not let her buy a bottle of wine (it doesn’t go well with her meds). So she picked up the bottle and smashed it on the ground. She also recently had trouble determining what order to put on her clothes. Her husband has Parkinson’s and some indications of dementia. She clings to him it is definitely very codependent. So he never gets any time away from her and is probably exhausted mentally and physically by her. We all agree it feels like it’s time to put her in memory care. But I always thought that her husband would go with her because they’ve been together so long and there’s still a lot of love there. But the stepsisters want her to go by herself and they will move their dad in with one of them. This is made so much more difficult because of Covid since none of us will be able to truly visit her for what could be several months before there’s a vaccine. It makes me sad to think she will be in there for Christmas. So my question is, should we wait until the new year? Should we wait until there’s a vaccine? Or should we hope for the best and put her in memory care now? Without Covid, I think we would all agree to put her in memory care now. Thanks for your suggestions.
You said, "I’m not so fearful about her getting COVID-19 as I am about her being confused, scared and lonely without being about to interact with her family while she’s in memory care during these uncertain times". Those are your fears and thoughts. Remember your mother has dementia. Soon, she may not even know who is her family and who is not. She probably will go downhill in memory care, but to be honest, she is going to go downhill anyway and there is nothing you can do about it.
Since she is throwing things and smashing things, she is a danger to herself and others. What would have happened if she had cut an artery or vein on the broken bottle. What would have happened if she had hit someone with the bottle and maybe marked them for life or God forbid killed them?
Your SD needs a break, stress is not good for Parkinson’s patients. Believe your step sisters who are there on the front lines.
I realize now that they would have been much better off if dad was in memory care and mom in assisted living . The facility had both under one roof. Dad eventually moved to memory care after mom died.
At this stage there are no good, better and best options. Sadly it’s more like not so good, bad, and worst.
So I vote for the facility. I would hope she didn't get covid. If she did I would hope she could survive it. But if she did not, then that sadly is the times we are now living in, and I believe it will be so for some time.
If all agree, especially those LIVING there and caring for these two, then you can make a time. Say January. When, if there is not a vaccine imminent, you go ahead. This is a tough question, a tough decision, and you are asking all the right questions. There just is often not a way to fix everything with a "right" and safe answer.
I do think your Mom needs to be placed. And I agree that her not being able to see family or be with her husband will have an effect on her, not for the good. Depends on how far she is into her Dementia she is.
Your stepdad, this has to be stressful for him and with the Parkinson's he does not need that stress. Being in Memory care being in the same room with her isolated will not help him either.
Start looking around and ask questions about how they are handling isolation. In the end, Mom needs to be in a safe place and SD needs time to himself.