Growing up my family was dysfunctional due to siblings being spoiled and allowed/enabled to be irresponsible. They are now grown irresponsible adults, still demanding handouts and acting entitled even though they didn’t and couldn’t help their own children. I slowly cut the relationships off as it was destroying me and my family. I thought that I could fix things for them and was sadly letting my own family go. Now I’m the bad guy and being gossiped about because they are miserable in the lives they created for themselves. I’m back for me and my family. Best thing I ever did after seeking therapy and grief support. Just wished that I did it a long time ago. Don’t waste a precious moment of life. I see happiness now. Thank you God, praise Jesus.
Mom was not mean, not overly critical and not a “screaming Mimi.” To me, Mom was just Mom. With all her attendant quirks.
Mom presented well to others. Until they got too close. Or didn’t play by Mom’s indecipherable rule book.
If I had a nickel for every time someone told me how “nice” Mom was, I’d be a zillionaire.
I was nearing 40 when I realized that Mom’s extreme limitations on how one could interact with her — and the simple things Mom was or was not willing to do to maintain a relationship — were way outside the norm.
Shucks, I was 50 when it dawned on me how WEIRD it was that I was the only post-h.s. senior/pre-college freshman who attended my college’s Incoming Freshmen And Parents’ Weekend with NO PARENTS.
Honest to crap, I packed my little duffle bag, hopped on the bus and spent “family orientation weekend” at my chosen college with no family. It didn’t phase me at all. I felt no lack and no defect. In fact, I was kind of surprised that all those other 18-yr-olds were such babies.
Now THAT’S grooming!
And — as another person on AC Forum wrote about her mother: “Everyone had a relationship with her, but not with each other.” I felt a little electric jolt when I read that.
Sometimes I’m amazed at what I did not have the capacity to realize. For years. And did not have the words for.
To be fair, I’m not terribly damaged. Just odd. I always felt loved. For what that’s worth.
It’s like a great social experiment, as I unravel how defective my home life was. My parents raised me to be the most independent little “yes person” in the world. If that makes any sense!
Ah, dysfunction. The gift that keeps on giving.
God bless her, she’s completely forgiven for everything she ever did in my life. Good old Dad, is not forgiven.
What's hard is when you have love for your parents and want to prevent them from being taken advantage of by your entitled or selfish siblings. I sometimes have to remind myself parents created this monster and now have to lay in the bed they've made. This is hard, but a life saver for me emotionally.
I'm 61. I don't think
you "woke up", I think you knew it was there all along but you were so busy trying to fix it that you couldn't "see the forest for the trees."
I was the same way with my alcoholic father. Years and years were spent as an adult in denial trying to "fix him." It got so bad when I was talking to dad, my (then) husband pulled the phone out of the wall, threw it in the fireplace then said, "You need to go to counseling." Wow-wake up call.
In therapy, I had to hold myself back from punching the therapist that called him "an alcoholic!" Through more months of counseling, I discovered a lot of things and terminated my relationship with my dad because it was so toxic.
Why did it take me 30+ years to deal with it? Because we're IN the situation.
Don't beat yourself up.
Adopt the new catchphrase... "going forward".
Congratulate yourself that you are at this point. It wouldn't have worked out this way had it been any other time in your life.
Everything for a reason in the right season.
I wonder what revelations we'll have when we're 70? 😮
It's frustrating, I know. Hang in there.
I am lucky that no siblings have come after me for money. Just have one SIL who assumes we can afford. I hate that.
Keep sticking by your guns. I bet those crying poor have weird priorities. Like a friend of my daughter's, he bought a new bow and arrow but didn't pay his water bill. Because they can't handle their lives, doesn't mean it your responsibility. It's ur parents fault. Enjoy your life and ignore them.
biblereasons.com/taking-advantage-of-someone/
Don't feel guilt - people that have your best interests at heart will be happy for you when something good happens in your life.
You know you are not 'the bad guy' From their point of view you may appear so but it no longer matters what they think.
You and your family should be first, always. We had to do something similar in the past, best move we ever made.
Hugs for you and yours :)
Best wishes.