Why do nursing home residents complain and use the "whoa is me I'm all alone" attitude? It is draining.
I recently joined this site and thank goodness! I am also a member of a horse forum owners. Forums are great especially when one can't vent or get resolution on issues or questions. My question is regarding my mother in law, whom had a partial stroke at the age of 80, the stroke took her left side and part of her mobility in her foot. The doctor is thinking the Covid and numerous vaccinations affected her vision. With having my mother pass several yrs back of long diagnosed dementia, I simply do not understand and find it quite draining on our marriage. She lives in a small community of 400 people and has never moved chosing to stay in the nursing home in her community when she could have picked a nursing home that could offer her more quality or higher staff to help aid her needs. She had already gone thru therapy and failed to exceed with medicare benefits unless she wanted to out of pocket other services in which she choose not to. There is no proven study that if she didnt have so many visitors when she first went in the nursing home she would or may of exceeded her mobility since part of her side has been affected by her stroke. When she went in the nursing home she had a seizure that brought her to take medication to help relax her and mostly for her siezure mild. The siezure was probably caused from getting upset since her dignaty was taken away and house sold as such when children admited her to her neighborhood nursing home. She is a god loving heart practicing christian, but often will get the "whoa is me im all alone attitude" if her children, which live quite far. My husband choose to take this Christmas and spend the day with her, I was fine with that. He feels she would have complained if no one visited her. Keeping in mind she is in a nursing home in which she knows alot of residents and is a busy body with knowing everyones business and feels good when someone in the home gets admitted to the nursing home in which she couldnt qualify for. Her sister even visits her every other day and is still able to resume a normal life of her and her husband in the same neighborhood. But now the sister is advising to my husband and her daughter they need to visit her every two weeks. Personally I think she has alot to be grateful for and i am very sorry and pray for her peace and rest in peace peacefull when this time comes. I dont know if I am feeling selfness since i dont understand this who is me attitude nobody visits me on a regular basis. My husband will visit most of the holdiays but she will complain or who is me attitude and ignore her phone calls in which he trys to call her. She does not have dementia, or at least was never tested, i imagine with aging there is very tiny bit starting as manipulation and verbal abuse can be contrtolling and a part of demensia, it is so funny sometimes how she will act. And now her sister is demanding her children must come stay with her. I am so tired of talking about the next stages of life and of the golden years are not golden. I do have patience and have worked in a few nursing homes in my life and never had seen clients being ungrateful as she is with what she has with how her children visit her on a regular semi holiday willingness of there own will visit. I am in my early 60s and often feel it is so draining on our marriage talking about her needs and rally makes me angry feeling mother in law has seen and lived 3 generations of grandchildren, and her daughter tends to her needs and she will get verbally abused its never good enough attitude or something will trigger my mother inlaw off and shell loose her temper.
Meaning, they’ll be a demand pit until you take them back, which you can’t.
I advise everyone involved to just tell her that it’s obvious their presence upsets her, so they will be going. If the attitude doesn’t adjust immediately, then leave.
Strokes often lead to depression. Meds help.
Is this attitude of MILs new with the stroke or she has always been this way. And at her age, I would not be surprised that the stroke has not caused some cognitive decline. No, the sister should not be dictating what your husband does. But if you all are holding down jobs, it is hard to visit regularly. Take direction from your husband. If he feels he does not need to visit regularly, thats on him. And he needs to tell his Aunt this. If MIL is calling all the time, let husband handle her.
Stop getting involved in conversations that demand that you spend more time with MIL. Hang up the phone or change the subject when they start in on you. MIL could live a good many more years, and you don't want to be responsible for her moods until she dies!
You're right to suspect some dementia. If that is the case, maybe she could start taking meds, such as Aricept and/or Memantine. Whoever is her POA should take that up with her doctor.
When life DOES become tragedy with loss upon loss, which is inevitable in the aging process, it is, imho, appropriate to have a bit of a "woe-is-me" attitude.
My brother, in his ALF, used to say that the most common activity was sitting in the Gazebo, discussing one another's ailments and watching the ambulances and hearse arrivals in the parking lot. Sad but true.
You will know soon enough the losses with aging. The hair goes, the hearing goes, the eyes go, the teeth fracture, the skin dries, the neck stiffens, the back compresses, the knees give, the balance is gone. The last losses, those of continence, of ability to make decisions and direct our own lives, our homes? Those are the worst. If they would issue us a simple pill of deliverance, most of us would take it. But they won't.
So we mourn. Sometimes we mourn out loud. And it is perhaps worth mourning? If not, then what IS?
I write this to you as an 82 year old who is LUCKY in the extreme still to be able to think (usually) walk (if with less balance and more sore knees) and even garden. I am in my own home with my own partner, but his insistence on getting quite a massive stroke in October (that completely reversed back to normal due to getting clot busters in within an hour) scared the crap out of me.
WOE-is-ME.
Let her have her say. Let her express to you her life. Tell her you are sorry and wish you could reverse it all so she could get younger now every year. Be kind. When you can't be kind, be polite (to quote Dr. Laura).
My best out to you both in the New Year!
The mother-in-law chose to stay where she is (away from her children). So she's complaining about her own decision.
I would do what you want to do and let her and sister complain-ignore the negativity best you can. I'm guessing mother-in-law would complain no matter what the circumstances.
Best wishes