Am I crazy to think that a child should care for their aging parents?

I’m happy to provide the same care to my parents that they provided to theirs. Let’s see, my paternal grandmother died of cancer at 62, and paternal grandfather died at 84 of heart trouble after a short hospital stay; second wife had helped him at home. My maternal grandfather was cared for by his youngest grandchild who never worked or had a career because he stayed home taking care of elders and is now an indigent hermit. My maternal grandmother needed help at 80 when, over 6 months she had rapid onset dementia. She lived with my parents 2 months, they put her in a group home and she was dead in 2 weeks. So, I’m only on the hook for 2 months? Sounds good to me!

Congratulations.
You were able to care for those people in your life when they needed it.
There are many people that can not physically SAFELY care for someone in their home alone. So if they are going to be a caregiver then they have to hire someone to help. (even better if the person that they are caring for is the one footing the bill for the caregiver.) And if the decision has to be made to place a LO in a facility that can meet their care needs that decision did NOT come easily.

There are also, unfortunately, many that have grown up in a household where the parents were, to put it mildly, dysfunctional. And that could range from being physically abusive, mental or emotionally abusive or having some mental disorder that makes them not great parents. I have said on many occasions that an abused person should NOT care for their abuser. I stand by this.

As to paying a family member to care for a parent or grandparent there is a valid reason to do this. Paying for care can legally spend down assets to make the parent, grandparent or other family member eligible for other services that can GREATLY help out in the long run. Having a "caregiver contract" makes proving the need for direct care easier and it also is proof of the money spent on care and that the money was not "gifted" which would make the process for applying for services more difficult.

If you are a young parent and your mom or dad needs you to help care for them are you going to give up your job, move away from your family to care for your parent? Is that fair to your husband or your children? Is that putting you in a financial bind now and in the future?
As an aging parent would you want your child to give up their job, their family, their future to care for you? If that is what you expect of your child that, in my opinion, is selfish and short sighted.
If you have planned wisely you will have saved for your "golden years" and can pay for a caregiver or have the funds to move into a community where you can get the help you need so you do not put your children in the position of having to care for you.

And getting to the "sexist" part of this about 80% of caregivers are women. This seems to give 20% of the population a pass on the caregiving aspect. Some reason a mom and maybe the rest of the family does not want her son to be changing her soiled underwear, giving her a bath or shower and and dressing her. Although it seems more acceptable for a daughter to do the same for dad.

So, again congratulations on being able to do what you did but please don't make anyone feel ashamed for not being able to do the same you have no idea what goes on with all of the decisions that are made.

I have provided substantial care for my parents for years, as well as for other extended family members, while still working. This is without compensation. They could not afford the care I have provided, but I don’t recommend it at all. It’s too much for the caregiver. I don’t expect my siblings to help. They have their own health problems and jobs. People repeatedly asks me what my siblings are doing to help me, but I don’t think it’s their responsibility. To me, it’s better to get outside help or placement. Then visit and show support as your ability allows. I used to read on this site how if we were seeking care for a LO in a facility that had one staff member and that staff member worked 24/ everyday, we would consider it ridiculous, but we often accept that scenario as a family caregiver. I now realize how true that is.

I think a lot of it has to do with age. My MIL is in her 60's and my husband and I are in our 30's with a child.

My husband is doing everything in his power to keep his mother out of a nursing home. She has no money so unfortunately she would go into a SNF and most likely would be MC. My husband dreads this because she is so young. Kicker is as are we. We are in the prime of our lives giving hate to say wasting money providing care for his mother because our system is flawed and broken.

My husband's salary for the most part goes towards his mother's care. Would honestly be cheaper for one of us to quit but that work gap would destroy us. So we have to keep our jobs.

Ideally the system would allow us to care for our parents but no such thing as a free lunch. The time or money has to come from somewhere.

Parents really should not put their children in such positions. A good parent prepares for their old age and does what is nesscary to not be a burden to their families. It is crazy and unsustainable.

I will argue unless we as a society figure something about the socio-economic bomb known as elder care is going to destroy our country in the US. We simply cannot sustain the cost that increased longevity brings especially when people are not nesscary living healthier lives.

Not to mention how things like dementia and alz don't care about the who but logistical the only really viable treatment we have in throw bodies at the problem. All studies show proper caregiving hours increases QOL of PWD but the kicker is we don't pay caregivers worth a damn so realisticly who wants to do the job? Nursing homes are under staffed and patient's barely get 4 hours of personal care a day. Rest is cluster care for the most part because the staff is so limited.

Places near me have 10 to 1 ratios to patient to staff during the day it is worse at night and on holidays.

Personally being a nurse and mom dying unexpectedly and dad at 81 recovering from triples bypass surgery and living alone with his heart failure I had promised i would never put him anywhere. He worked hard his whole life gave me all he could and Wanted to stay in his own home, I made the decision to leave work force and financially ruining my credit- and we made it work on his small pension and ssi. Now for the 4 years I cared for him 2 were wasted on that horrific Medicare caregiver program that literally ignored us through out our application every 6 months and never heard from them once unless I called- Ended up applying for VA pension with special attendant additional pension that would give him money in his pension and then be able to pay me. That took a little over a year and 3 days prior to him being hospitalized he was approved but sadly died in hospital after rehab failed to monitor him and give him his heart failure medicine .These things and the inability to obatain legal aide to sue for that failure but lawyers will not take case because he was 87 at the time and litigation is too costly and not profitable to do so leaves me pissed off - so it’s just ok to get away with having caused an 87 year old death, and no repercussions- it’s sad mds can get away with it. Having said all this I would do it all over again ,Mia loved my dad we became best friends during the time spent, it wasn’t and easy task he by nature was very particular but I wanted to do it for him. He was a kind hearted man selfless and never got back what he so selflessly gave in his life. It wasn’t easy and yes we fought but I think we both agreed not wanting a nursing home his “ home” that’s short staffed, questionable staff and substandard care and treatment and this i l know being a nurse . We need better options for family caregivers, less red tape and more awareness so if a child wants to and care for parents or family it’s not a criminal disparity having to wait years only to have moments left .It’s been a year and a half and just last week, November 28 th I received a small check for his burial as reimbursement. Yesterday I received after this year and a half a large amount of paperwork that I had to fight to be his substitute to complete other benefits he was eligible for but wasn’t able to file being in hospital then passing away. My father was a Navy men and Having served his country I would fight for whatever he has coming to him although unexceptable in making the elderly wait unpresidented lengths of time for benefitsm - maybe somone should remind them their time I’d limited

The 'beholding' was a bit late. My issue is with posters (and others) who assume and repeat fixed ‘obligations’ from what they have heard from the pulpit, when the Bible supports no such thing. The care job is hard enough without fabricated religious guilt.

MargaretMcKen,

To clarify: in John 19:26-27, when Jesus was on the cross, he asked the disciple John to take care of his mother, Mary, saying "Woman, behold your son" to Mary and "Behold your mother" to John. Jesus had multiple other siblings, but he was the oldest. Funny that he didn't ask any of his siblings to do it...

I think a lot of it has to do with how family dynamics have changed. First of all, in the past, most families stayed pretty close together rarely that far apart. Many families had multiple children and then grandkids so more people were available to care for an aged loved one. When you look at the typical age someone is expected to reach, it has increased quite a bit into the 70s and 80s. In generations past, many parents would not live past their 70s maybe 80s
Let's take my grandparents. My grandma was 72 and died from pancreatic cancer. My grandpa was 79 and died from a heart attack.

The last of my grandma's siblings to live was her sister, Genice, into her 80s of diabetic complications. Many times doctors will keep procedures or give operations going on the elderly that can prolong life but not necessarily help. Many people also marry later and have kids later making it more difficult to care for the elderly.

Because elders are living longer more will have more complex medical care than loved ones can handle including physical and mental

It’s worth considering how Jesus dealt with his ‘Christian duty’ to his mother or to the step-father who brought him up. It seems that other obligations wiped that ‘duty’ out – and perhaps it’s true for others too.

MychelleJ,

I researching about PoA, I'm so curious as to how one is made a PoA without their knowledge or consent? I didn't even think this was possible, and in my online research this doesn't seem to be legally possible. What state are you in? Was the PoA doc naming you actually created by an attorney and notarized? Just so curious... and this forum is all about learning and sharing knowledge, thanks!

MychelleJ - this is a PERFECT illustration of why it is NOT the responsibility of one's children to provide elder care. No one's situation is the same as anyone else's. Even YOUR situation is different from your siblings!

You can't allow anyone to make you feel guilty for the decisions that you make in good faith for yourself. Period!

I wish there was a straight answer to this question. It plagues me as my LO was just diagnosed. I have one sibling that lives hours away. Without my knowledge, I was told that I was the medical POA and the sibling was the financial POA. My LO was abusive growing up, so much so, that I left home at 17. LO has referred to sibling as the 'Golden Child'.

Upon reading the POA form, and research, I resigned the POA post. The way it was set up, if I couldn't perform the duties, the sibling would have to take over. Sibling is madder than a boiling pot and sees that I have abandoned my LO. They can feel or call me anything they want as they sit hours away and cannot accept the diagnosis despite numerous people telling them concerning occurrences other than me.

I commend those who can care for their LO's. I knew I couldn't. For me, it has nothing to do with my religious beliefs. It's all about knowing my strengths and weaknesses.

I wish you the best in your journey.

"It's supposed to be my Christian duty."

You aren't crazy. But you aren't right either - all due respect. As adults, it is our responsibility to ensure that we plan for our own care. If our children, or we as adult children, CHOOSE to offer help, that is a bonus. Not a requirement.

There are tons of situations where an adult child SHOULDN'T be providing care for their parent. No matter how much they love them. A great example is when the parent was abusive to them their entire lives. No one should ever have to care for their abuser.

As far as people asking about being paid to caregive - I don't know about you - but the vast majority of people that I know, don't have the wherewithal to quit their jobs and have no income in order to provide full time care for their parents.
And the ones that do quit the jobs often end up in a sticky situation, dependent on that parent to pay their bills or provide a roof over their heads, and when that parent passes, they are in trouble because they lose their support.

What has this world come to? Reality. True reality. I can't support my family AND provide someone with 24/7 care. I could be in the house sure. But that doesn't mean that I have the bandwidth 24/7 to provide care. And that's just my reality. I have another 15 years before I can retire.

The alternative for many is to move their loved one to a SNF or ALF so that they can continue to provide for themselves or their family.


What you espoused, that it is a responsibility or a duty that adult children should assume - is part of the problem with our elder care right now as it is. Many families are spread out all over the world. Some families need two incomes. The list can be endless.

But the reality is that people are living MUCH longer than they used to. My 77-year-old mom is providing care for my 98-year-old grandmother. Who DOES believe it is my mom's responsibility to take care of her. And it is starting to wear on mom.

The perfect way to ruin a relationship with someone you love is to expect them to give up their lives, in order to make sure you get what you need, and then dismiss or ignore their needs or wants. To apply guilt or pressure to them to take care of you, when you have done nothing to arrange or provide your own care. When an adult child is the only elder care plan, That's a problem.

As far as Christian duty - well there is the first thing - that not all people are even Christian. But aside from that, because I am a Christian, I know you are referencing "Children honor your parents all the days of your life".

Honor means high respect or great esteem. It doesn't mean give up your entire life to provide hands on care because there is no other plan. It doesn't mean you sacrifice your marriage or your own children in order to provide care for your parents.

I will do everything that I can to help my mom when the time comes, absolutely. BUT she and I have talked about it, and right now she's in this position herself. There is only so much you can do if they need more help than you can provide.

Keep in mind, not everyone has great relationships with their parents. Some people move far away and even go no contact due to the conflicts in relationships. So the "gladly" part of stepping in to care for a parent, isn't always part of reality.

I came to the aging care forum because I was at my wits end and up to my neck caring for entitled elderly people. I felt myself getting worn out emotionally just being in the presence of some of these folks and their negative and demanding ways. I took care of family members. And it is true, you will be working way past your retirement age just to stay above water. Try attending college and working a full time job, and then having to do all the house repairs, paying bills and such for a father who left years ago. He abandoned the family. After mom died, I got stuck with taking care of my mentally and disabled younger sister. I still hear my brother's voice today saying you are going to have to let her go. That little whisper stayed with me and I began making arrangements for my sister. By the grace of God, I found a cheap apartment to move after my sister's placement.

I respect the elderly, but it does not give them a free pass to treat me like a slave or the help.

Being Christian does not mean you sacrifice your children's wellbeing for that of an elderly parent. You need an income to raise your family.

Back in the seventies the average lifespan was around 72 through 77 years of age. Now, people are living well into their hundreds.

Oh, I forgot to mention my family were church going folks.

It’s interesting that parents who are quite specific about “never put me in a home” are also totally vague about the alternatives. They never say “promise you’ll change my diapers’.

Perhaps we are living too long. I do not know what the answer is. I would gladly pay my child to help take care of me rather than go in a home. But there should be additional help come in to help the caregiver.

Yes sometimes, sometimes not. For thousands of years, parents did NOT live into their 80s and 90s, they died younger. Spoon-feeding limited food (like moistened bread) didn’t keep them alive, and no-one had time to do it for hours. People in the past (where I am) were wanderers around a large area, and the elderly eventually couldn’t cope with the next ‘wander’. They stopped at a place significant for them, with some food, close to water, and that was it. In other societies, richer rulers got weak and were deposed, often murdered.

The people who are now the carers, were then themselves the elderly. ‘Thousands of years’ like today? No way!

For thousands of years families have cared for their aging parents (at no charge.)

Honestly, I was brought up this way as a child. My parents told me to never put them in a home if they could no longer care for themselves. I loved them so much that I promised that I wouldn't. They both passed on and it never had to come to that. I honestly would have been so conflicted as to how to care for them.
When my dad was very ill, his girlfriend tried to care for him at home. She really tried and couldn't do it anymore. She told me not to even think about trying, because I couldn't do it, either. He ended up in hospice and passed about two weeks later.
Now there is my aunt with dementia who lives far. My cousins who live near her felt that this was "auntie" and I must do what I can, even if it meant to quit my job temporarily to come and stay with aunt and care for her. I went to care for her for a week and some days and I must say I was way over my head. She fell, I could not lift her. She's skinny as a rail, but felt a ton to lift. I almost hurt my back trying.
The tantrums and screaming whenever I asked to bathe or change her. Lingering in loaded Depends and not asking to be changed. When I finally got them off, it was so loaded, she messed up the newly cleaned carpet!
Mind you, I have a job. I don't have anyone to rely on for money, except myself. I'm not married, no children, so I was the "chosen one". I let them all know I could no longer do this. I was having meltdowns in the shower. I couldn't wait to go home. I left. I was willing to help, but she needs long term care, to which I can not give. I have to work for my future.
God bless anyone who can do this. I have heard many who do it on their own. It wasn't something I could do. Taking care of my aunt has taught me that it is not easy as some think it is. It can mess you up both physically, mentally and financially.

You're not nuts to think that, but you are little "out there" if you think that people who end up having to quit their jobs to take care of their families should just deal with the loss of income.

Keep in mind, that most parents, I would assume CHOSE to have children knowing that it would have a financial effect they would have to deal with. Adult children caring for their elderly parents did not CHOOSE it. It was absolutely forced on them, in some way, shape or form. Caring for your parent is, in many ways, much more expensive, financially, physically, and emotionally, than caring for children. It's a lot easier to pick up a child and change their diaper. It's a lot easier to discipline a child who has acted up. Children are typically, NOT on loads of meds that need to be scheduled and eh-hem, paid for, when insurance won't cover it. There is an end in sight to the relentless nighttime waking, tantrums, being hit and kicked, you don't have to hid the car keys from your kids and find a new place to hide them every time Mom finds them and tries to drive. You just put them out of the reach of the child. You have an expected time frame with children when you can start to sleep more than one or two hours at a time, can expect the person you're caring for to start to become more and more capable of caring for themselves. You don't get that with elderly parents. For whatever reason someone decides to keep their parent(s) in their home, rather than place them in a facility, they are struggling financially to do all of this. Sometimes they have to pay for an add-on room, or ramp, security systems, the extra cost of meds and other healthcare services because the insurance doesn't cover it, and Mom/Dad has NOTHING in their bank accounts to help. Why should a caregiver go into absolute debt over something they did not CHOSE, nor did they CAUSE? People who are doing just fine, financially, caring for their LO do NOT wonder if they can get paid to do so.

Yes. Yes you are.

I hope FloridaTentLady doesn’t live in a “ tent “ because she lost her income and her home due to caregiving .

I'd like to hear back from FloridaTentLady.

It should be evident now that grown children not helping their aging parents & other relatives is not a one-size-fits-all.

That judging someone asking how to get paid is short-sighted. Caregivers are people & people need money to live on.

It's not a widespread rotten generation, full of self-centered people without morals.

(Sure there are those types in the world. Some I personally encountered a few. Multiple versions of the 'Entitled', the 'House Hungry' &/or 'Inheritance Driven' familes. Prioritising keeping property or money over selling & spending it towards the elder's care).

It is a good discussion.. What we think we SHOULD do, what we WANT to do can be very different to what we CAN do. This is what can cause us pain.

I have met many people who dearly WANT to wrap their old Mom, Dad, Aunt, whoever up & take them home to care for but just could not. Due to many factors: care needs being too high, medical issues too complex, exit seeking & other behavious of concern, more hands needed.
Funds not there to hire extra help.

I've said it before.. life is not 'The Waltons' for most of us.
Not every elder is sitting smiling on the porch swing. Still independant with their ADLs (even still providing useful labour to the household). Allowing working age adults to freely work.

I am done here now.

Yes you are nuts to think that. Sure I do believe we should help out our parents when we can....provided they were a decent, non-abusive parent. That does not mean jeopardizing our futures and upending our lives so their life does not have to change. The person needing the help must be the one to compromise.

How did you manage caring for your parents without an income? Was someone else supporting you? Trust fund? Not everyone has that.

I am a single mom of twins. If I allowed it, my father and stepmother would take every ounce of energy and time I have in an attempt to not go into AL, where they belong.

My responsibility is to my children. If I lost my job while taking care of my father, my 10-year-old girls would not have a home. There is no second income to safeguard us. It's just me.

My father can get full residential care at the VA for no cost but refuses it. I will not put my children in a compromising position because of their selfishness. I am also done fighting them. Eventually, the hospital will refuse to release him home, as he has been there 3 times in the last 6 weeks (him and his wife just keep checking each other out)

Most people can't live without a paycheck. Having a job is called being responsible

Margaret, to your point about "personally know" someone or be present at a historical occurence in order for it to be true/trustworthy: then no historical writer/writings can be trusted unless they were there in person and knew the historical figure personally or were an actual eye witness? Your viewpoint needs to be equally applied to all things, not just scripture. No school textbook would pass this criteria. Let's PM to continue this interesting discussion.

Jada, they shouldn’t expect it. They should, instead, work hard and plan for their own future. I know that’s really difficult, especially in today’s world, but it is every parent’s responsibility….maybe their ONLY responsibility.
After all, a parent’s most important job is to make sure their children are equipped for a self-sustaining life in order to secure the future of their descendants. I honestly don’t know where humans went off track with that but the consequences are devastating.

20 years ago my grandfather needed caregiving……he had 3 daughters & 1 son. Not one of them offered to be his caregiver so why should any of them expect caregiving for themselves now when they would like to stay in their own home.

I’m sure he would’ve like to stay in his home too but he made the best of it and actually enjoyed being around people his own age.

Geaton, it’s worth considering what is ‘Biblical’. The New Testament book ‘Timothy’ consists of letters from Timothy, who was a servant companion to Paul (and had the DIY circumcision). It was written over 20 years after Jesus died, by someone who had never met him. You need a lot of faith in 'inspiration' to treat this as the word of God.

The ‘Jefferson Bible’ was put together by Thomas Jefferson to collect all the quotes from Jesus himself – even though those, recollected at least 2 decades later, may be inaccurate. It’s a lot shorter than the New Testament, of which almost half is written by Paul.

Since people are debating whether caregiving for their parents is biblically commanded or not:

1 Timothy 5:8 (The Message version)

"Take care of widows who are destitute. If a widow has family members to take care of her, let them learn that religion begins at their own doorstep and that they should pay back with gratitude some of what they have received. This pleases God immensely. You can tell a legitimate widow by the way she has put all her hope in God, praying to him constantly for the needs of others as well as her own. But a widow who exploits people’s emotions and pocketbooks—well, there’s nothing to her. Tell these things to the people so that they will do the right thing in their extended family. Anyone who neglects to care for family members in need repudiates the faith. That’s worse than refusing to believe in the first place."

People need to decide for themselves what they will do. Also, this doesn't apply to non-believers, since it is in the New Testament and written to believers.