Am I crazy to think that a child should care for their aging parents?

I believe we need to make sure our parents are cared for with quality. Each of the 3 daughters, which I am the oldest, have taken turns caring for her and ended up with physical and mental issues, so we arranged other care for her. Our brother, the youngest, is often the interim until another placement is found. He lives in a tiny house behind her house which he doesn't want to sell yet. I tried interviewing caregivers to care for her in her home, I had one applicant and she didn't drive, so she couldn't even get to mom's house.
We have tried, but failed, some better than others, for at least 15 years. She is 93 years. All of the daughters are retired and her son will retire retire soon.
I can see that caring for our parents should be our responsibility, but often our own health interferes with that goal.

Ah yes. That good old fashioned Christian love aka judgement. "What has this world come to???"

The world woke up, that's what!

Should my aunt or sibling have cared for my grandma with Alzheimer's (who became violent and very mean which was 100000000% opposite from the way she was) after my grandpa died from a heart attack then?

I remember when I was a kid growing up in the 60s that elders lived with their families until they died. But there was a wife who was not working and could care for that person, Note also that most elders did not linger for ten years in a decrepit state unlike today thanks to the miracles of modern medicine.

Fast forward to now, most women need to work to support their families and if they are unmarried they definitely need to support themselves to avoid living under a bridge when they are old.

My "Christian" duty is to be sure my parents were safe and cared for but I did not feel it was my job to give up my life to be their24/7 hands on caregiver. I did the best I could for my mother and am continuing to do the best I can for my father by being his advocate at his LTC facility.

Please do not judge others because they do not come up to your so-called "Christian" standards.

What a great idea peasuep, I'm going to get a couple of them from Amazon soon.

Put in your book, to tell your daughter, in case something happens to go onto aging care and tell your good friends here. So as not to keep us wondering.

I bought a book on Amazon a while back titled ‘Sh*t You’ll Need When I Die’. It has places to put all the usual stuff like passwords, account numbers, hidden treasures, funeral preferences, etc.

I’m going to give it to my daughter and am going to include a letter expressly forbidding her from becoming my caregiver if I can no longer care for myself.

Of course, access to funds, which I have painstakingly socked away for my placement in a facility, will be included. Better yet, I will have already placed myself by that time.

Not only is taking care of me not her job, I forbid it. Period.
She will honor me by paying it forward to her own daughter.

No child should be placed in a position to care for aging parents. The times are just too expensive and too complicated for an adult child to give up their jobs, homes and financial obligations to take care of parents. This is not realistic thinking and definitely not biblical.

Years ago, in some cultures this was expected. My father was famous for sacrificing people for the dirty work while he did his own thing. He was the type to have you minding the store and watching his possessions as a chosen slave. I moved out after my sister was placed safely in a group home. The placement was initiated by me because he wouldn't have done it himself. He tried that guilt trip on me because I would not sign for a large housing loan to pay off myself. He wanted to move to Florida with that pin head of a wife of his. He was religious also.

In all due honesty, I'm sick and tired of the guilt inducing religious crap that some people throw at me that ain't worth a plate of refried beans. These people are nothing more than master manipulators.

When a member becomes anonymous like this, it normally means they've been suspended for a week by admin. So they cannot post for a week. This post by anonymous is 15 hours old, not a new one.

Memory50 posted unhelpful answers on the thread entitled “My husband is blind to what caring id doing etc” along the lines of all 30 year olds should be quite OK with unlimited caring. Then that moved to religion. Then she? (or he?) started another thread apparently about her own truly awful caring problems, totally out of kilter with the previous posts. It made me wonder about trolling. Next the “My husband is blind” thread has been closed down (probably unfortunately for the original poster). Then now again we have ANONYMOUS etc, who appears to be the same.

Either a troll or someone with a mental health problem too diffiicult for this site to assist with.

I’m confused. So, MEMORY50 has now become ANONYMOUS300738?

Ephesians 2:8-9: "For it is by grace you have been saved through faith, and this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast".
Make sure you do not become self-righteous and view yourself as better than others for the life decisions you’ve made. Each situation is unique and cannot be judged based on external appearances. Providing for one’s family will look different for everyone and has changed over the decades. 
In Jesus’ time, the male family members were expected to provide financially for their families and oversee the care of elders. The males passed down an inheritance to provide for children and widows, not the other way around. Needing money to live and feed one’s own family does not make anyone selfish, or unworthy as a child of God. 
I’m sorry for all that you’ve been through, and that you felt you had to do it all on your own to earn God’s approval. There is so much pressure to care for others, especially as women, but it is not our duty to help everyone by ourselves. That’s why we have the church community to help and support one another.
I don’t want you to feel judged for what I’ve said. I struggle with trying to do it all on my own too. I do want you to honestly question your own understanding of our duty as Christians and reassess your criticism of others who are just trying their best to survive in this difficult world.

Please take care and prayerfully consider my words.

Sure, Memory50, there’s nothing more “moral” than surrendering MY children into care, in order to keep my parent out of care. A parent who demands 24/7 servitude, is in denial of her own condition, and failed to plan ahead. As the widow myself, shouldn’t I have been the one receiving support according to your scripture? You may want to walk more miles in the shoes of others.

Margaret. 1 Tim 5;8 if anyone does not provide for his relatives and especially for the members of his household, he has denied the faith
John believed in Jesus and none of his siblings did. Well James got on board after the resurrection. His siblings probably were not at the cross and therefore not asked. He also found the relationship of faith meant more than relationship of blood saying his disciples were his brother and mother to make a point

I’m happy to provide the same care to my parents that they provided to theirs. Let’s see, my paternal grandmother died of cancer at 62, and paternal grandfather died at 84 of heart trouble after a short hospital stay; second wife had helped him at home. My maternal grandfather was cared for by his youngest grandchild who never worked or had a career because he stayed home taking care of elders and is now an indigent hermit. My maternal grandmother needed help at 80 when, over 6 months she had rapid onset dementia. She lived with my parents 2 months, they put her in a group home and she was dead in 2 weeks. So, I’m only on the hook for 2 months? Sounds good to me!

Sunny girl, I didn't see it as bragging, as others may. I feel like your just feeling good about yourself and there is nothing wrong with that.

Congratulations.
You were able to care for those people in your life when they needed it.
There are many people that can not physically SAFELY care for someone in their home alone. So if they are going to be a caregiver then they have to hire someone to help. (even better if the person that they are caring for is the one footing the bill for the caregiver.) And if the decision has to be made to place a LO in a facility that can meet their care needs that decision did NOT come easily.

There are also, unfortunately, many that have grown up in a household where the parents were, to put it mildly, dysfunctional. And that could range from being physically abusive, mental or emotionally abusive or having some mental disorder that makes them not great parents. I have said on many occasions that an abused person should NOT care for their abuser. I stand by this.

As to paying a family member to care for a parent or grandparent there is a valid reason to do this. Paying for care can legally spend down assets to make the parent, grandparent or other family member eligible for other services that can GREATLY help out in the long run. Having a "caregiver contract" makes proving the need for direct care easier and it also is proof of the money spent on care and that the money was not "gifted" which would make the process for applying for services more difficult.

If you are a young parent and your mom or dad needs you to help care for them are you going to give up your job, move away from your family to care for your parent? Is that fair to your husband or your children? Is that putting you in a financial bind now and in the future?
As an aging parent would you want your child to give up their job, their family, their future to care for you? If that is what you expect of your child that, in my opinion, is selfish and short sighted.
If you have planned wisely you will have saved for your "golden years" and can pay for a caregiver or have the funds to move into a community where you can get the help you need so you do not put your children in the position of having to care for you.

And getting to the "sexist" part of this about 80% of caregivers are women. This seems to give 20% of the population a pass on the caregiving aspect. Some reason a mom and maybe the rest of the family does not want her son to be changing her soiled underwear, giving her a bath or shower and and dressing her. Although it seems more acceptable for a daughter to do the same for dad.

So, again congratulations on being able to do what you did but please don't make anyone feel ashamed for not being able to do the same you have no idea what goes on with all of the decisions that are made.

I have provided substantial care for my parents for years, as well as for other extended family members, while still working. This is without compensation. They could not afford the care I have provided, but I don’t recommend it at all. It’s too much for the caregiver. I don’t expect my siblings to help. They have their own health problems and jobs. People repeatedly asks me what my siblings are doing to help me, but I don’t think it’s their responsibility. To me, it’s better to get outside help or placement. Then visit and show support as your ability allows. I used to read on this site how if we were seeking care for a LO in a facility that had one staff member and that staff member worked 24/ everyday, we would consider it ridiculous, but we often accept that scenario as a family caregiver. I now realize how true that is.

I think a lot of it has to do with age. My MIL is in her 60's and my husband and I are in our 30's with a child.

My husband is doing everything in his power to keep his mother out of a nursing home. She has no money so unfortunately she would go into a SNF and most likely would be MC. My husband dreads this because she is so young. Kicker is as are we. We are in the prime of our lives giving hate to say wasting money providing care for his mother because our system is flawed and broken.

My husband's salary for the most part goes towards his mother's care. Would honestly be cheaper for one of us to quit but that work gap would destroy us. So we have to keep our jobs.

Ideally the system would allow us to care for our parents but no such thing as a free lunch. The time or money has to come from somewhere.

Parents really should not put their children in such positions. A good parent prepares for their old age and does what is nesscary to not be a burden to their families. It is crazy and unsustainable.

I will argue unless we as a society figure something about the socio-economic bomb known as elder care is going to destroy our country in the US. We simply cannot sustain the cost that increased longevity brings especially when people are not nesscary living healthier lives.

Not to mention how things like dementia and alz don't care about the who but logistical the only really viable treatment we have in throw bodies at the problem. All studies show proper caregiving hours increases QOL of PWD but the kicker is we don't pay caregivers worth a damn so realisticly who wants to do the job? Nursing homes are under staffed and patient's barely get 4 hours of personal care a day. Rest is cluster care for the most part because the staff is so limited.

Places near me have 10 to 1 ratios to patient to staff during the day it is worse at night and on holidays.

Personally being a nurse and mom dying unexpectedly and dad at 81 recovering from triples bypass surgery and living alone with his heart failure I had promised i would never put him anywhere. He worked hard his whole life gave me all he could and Wanted to stay in his own home, I made the decision to leave work force and financially ruining my credit- and we made it work on his small pension and ssi. Now for the 4 years I cared for him 2 were wasted on that horrific Medicare caregiver program that literally ignored us through out our application every 6 months and never heard from them once unless I called- Ended up applying for VA pension with special attendant additional pension that would give him money in his pension and then be able to pay me. That took a little over a year and 3 days prior to him being hospitalized he was approved but sadly died in hospital after rehab failed to monitor him and give him his heart failure medicine .These things and the inability to obatain legal aide to sue for that failure but lawyers will not take case because he was 87 at the time and litigation is too costly and not profitable to do so leaves me pissed off - so it’s just ok to get away with having caused an 87 year old death, and no repercussions- it’s sad mds can get away with it. Having said all this I would do it all over again ,Mia loved my dad we became best friends during the time spent, it wasn’t and easy task he by nature was very particular but I wanted to do it for him. He was a kind hearted man selfless and never got back what he so selflessly gave in his life. It wasn’t easy and yes we fought but I think we both agreed not wanting a nursing home his “ home” that’s short staffed, questionable staff and substandard care and treatment and this i l know being a nurse . We need better options for family caregivers, less red tape and more awareness so if a child wants to and care for parents or family it’s not a criminal disparity having to wait years only to have moments left .It’s been a year and a half and just last week, November 28 th I received a small check for his burial as reimbursement. Yesterday I received after this year and a half a large amount of paperwork that I had to fight to be his substitute to complete other benefits he was eligible for but wasn’t able to file being in hospital then passing away. My father was a Navy men and Having served his country I would fight for whatever he has coming to him although unexceptable in making the elderly wait unpresidented lengths of time for benefitsm - maybe somone should remind them their time I’d limited

The 'beholding' was a bit late. My issue is with posters (and others) who assume and repeat fixed ‘obligations’ from what they have heard from the pulpit, when the Bible supports no such thing. The care job is hard enough without fabricated religious guilt.

MargaretMcKen,

To clarify: in John 19:26-27, when Jesus was on the cross, he asked the disciple John to take care of his mother, Mary, saying "Woman, behold your son" to Mary and "Behold your mother" to John. Jesus had multiple other siblings, but he was the oldest. Funny that he didn't ask any of his siblings to do it...

I think a lot of it has to do with how family dynamics have changed. First of all, in the past, most families stayed pretty close together rarely that far apart. Many families had multiple children and then grandkids so more people were available to care for an aged loved one. When you look at the typical age someone is expected to reach, it has increased quite a bit into the 70s and 80s. In generations past, many parents would not live past their 70s maybe 80s
Let's take my grandparents. My grandma was 72 and died from pancreatic cancer. My grandpa was 79 and died from a heart attack.

The last of my grandma's siblings to live was her sister, Genice, into her 80s of diabetic complications. Many times doctors will keep procedures or give operations going on the elderly that can prolong life but not necessarily help. Many people also marry later and have kids later making it more difficult to care for the elderly.

Because elders are living longer more will have more complex medical care than loved ones can handle including physical and mental

It’s worth considering how Jesus dealt with his ‘Christian duty’ to his mother or to the step-father who brought him up. It seems that other obligations wiped that ‘duty’ out – and perhaps it’s true for others too.

MychelleJ,

I researching about PoA, I'm so curious as to how one is made a PoA without their knowledge or consent? I didn't even think this was possible, and in my online research this doesn't seem to be legally possible. What state are you in? Was the PoA doc naming you actually created by an attorney and notarized? Just so curious... and this forum is all about learning and sharing knowledge, thanks!

MychelleJ - this is a PERFECT illustration of why it is NOT the responsibility of one's children to provide elder care. No one's situation is the same as anyone else's. Even YOUR situation is different from your siblings!

You can't allow anyone to make you feel guilty for the decisions that you make in good faith for yourself. Period!

I wish there was a straight answer to this question. It plagues me as my LO was just diagnosed. I have one sibling that lives hours away. Without my knowledge, I was told that I was the medical POA and the sibling was the financial POA. My LO was abusive growing up, so much so, that I left home at 17. LO has referred to sibling as the 'Golden Child'.

Upon reading the POA form, and research, I resigned the POA post. The way it was set up, if I couldn't perform the duties, the sibling would have to take over. Sibling is madder than a boiling pot and sees that I have abandoned my LO. They can feel or call me anything they want as they sit hours away and cannot accept the diagnosis despite numerous people telling them concerning occurrences other than me.

I commend those who can care for their LO's. I knew I couldn't. For me, it has nothing to do with my religious beliefs. It's all about knowing my strengths and weaknesses.

I wish you the best in your journey.

"It's supposed to be my Christian duty."

You aren't crazy. But you aren't right either - all due respect. As adults, it is our responsibility to ensure that we plan for our own care. If our children, or we as adult children, CHOOSE to offer help, that is a bonus. Not a requirement.

There are tons of situations where an adult child SHOULDN'T be providing care for their parent. No matter how much they love them. A great example is when the parent was abusive to them their entire lives. No one should ever have to care for their abuser.

As far as people asking about being paid to caregive - I don't know about you - but the vast majority of people that I know, don't have the wherewithal to quit their jobs and have no income in order to provide full time care for their parents.
And the ones that do quit the jobs often end up in a sticky situation, dependent on that parent to pay their bills or provide a roof over their heads, and when that parent passes, they are in trouble because they lose their support.

What has this world come to? Reality. True reality. I can't support my family AND provide someone with 24/7 care. I could be in the house sure. But that doesn't mean that I have the bandwidth 24/7 to provide care. And that's just my reality. I have another 15 years before I can retire.

The alternative for many is to move their loved one to a SNF or ALF so that they can continue to provide for themselves or their family.


What you espoused, that it is a responsibility or a duty that adult children should assume - is part of the problem with our elder care right now as it is. Many families are spread out all over the world. Some families need two incomes. The list can be endless.

But the reality is that people are living MUCH longer than they used to. My 77-year-old mom is providing care for my 98-year-old grandmother. Who DOES believe it is my mom's responsibility to take care of her. And it is starting to wear on mom.

The perfect way to ruin a relationship with someone you love is to expect them to give up their lives, in order to make sure you get what you need, and then dismiss or ignore their needs or wants. To apply guilt or pressure to them to take care of you, when you have done nothing to arrange or provide your own care. When an adult child is the only elder care plan, That's a problem.

As far as Christian duty - well there is the first thing - that not all people are even Christian. But aside from that, because I am a Christian, I know you are referencing "Children honor your parents all the days of your life".

Honor means high respect or great esteem. It doesn't mean give up your entire life to provide hands on care because there is no other plan. It doesn't mean you sacrifice your marriage or your own children in order to provide care for your parents.

I will do everything that I can to help my mom when the time comes, absolutely. BUT she and I have talked about it, and right now she's in this position herself. There is only so much you can do if they need more help than you can provide.

Keep in mind, not everyone has great relationships with their parents. Some people move far away and even go no contact due to the conflicts in relationships. So the "gladly" part of stepping in to care for a parent, isn't always part of reality.

I will say if we all keep doing what many of us have been doing, putting are parents above are health and happiness, the next generation will not have to worry about taking care of us, because we will all be dead and buried, way before we get into are 90s because of stress.

So that solves are childrens generation from going through this.

I came to the aging care forum because I was at my wits end and up to my neck caring for entitled elderly people. I felt myself getting worn out emotionally just being in the presence of some of these folks and their negative and demanding ways. I took care of family members. And it is true, you will be working way past your retirement age just to stay above water. Try attending college and working a full time job, and then having to do all the house repairs, paying bills and such for a father who left years ago. He abandoned the family. After mom died, I got stuck with taking care of my mentally and disabled younger sister. I still hear my brother's voice today saying you are going to have to let her go. That little whisper stayed with me and I began making arrangements for my sister. By the grace of God, I found a cheap apartment to move after my sister's placement.

I respect the elderly, but it does not give them a free pass to treat me like a slave or the help.

Being Christian does not mean you sacrifice your children's wellbeing for that of an elderly parent. You need an income to raise your family.

Back in the seventies the average lifespan was around 72 through 77 years of age. Now, people are living well into their hundreds.

Oh, I forgot to mention my family were church going folks.

It’s interesting that parents who are quite specific about “never put me in a home” are also totally vague about the alternatives. They never say “promise you’ll change my diapers’.

Perhaps we are living too long. I do not know what the answer is. I would gladly pay my child to help take care of me rather than go in a home. But there should be additional help come in to help the caregiver.