My 82-year-old mom died in 2019, leaving behind my brother who's disabled and deaf. He was a preemie and has physical and mental disabilities. Always fiercely wanting independence, he lives on SSI and owns a small home. I had assumed that he was doing okay on his own, but I was wrong.
He got admitted in January for gangrene in both feet, which I attributed to diabetes as he stubbornly refused treatment for it, but the doctor said the cause was frostbite. Apparently, my brother didn't realize his furnace battery had died.
He said he wanted me and my son to take care of his dog, and we were shocked when we entered his house to do so. He's a hoarder, and the house has junk, trash, clothes, dirty dishes, computers, etc. stacked to the ceiling. The dog goes on the floor. It looks like the kitchen floor, what little of it we can see, hasn't been cleaned in years. I learned recently that there's a dead cat somewhere in there as his cat disappeared 8 months ago.
The smell of his house is so foul that we have to shower each day when we get home to get it off of us.
I tried to intervene, telling the doctor about my brother's living conditions, but it did no good. Three days after the first amputation surgery they released him. He would need more surgery on the other foot, and they let him return to that filth, his foot dripping gangrene (something I hope I never smell again).
Between surgeries, we took him to the doctor each week, and on February 22, he got admitted for his second surgery to remove most of the other foot. He will have to be in long-term hospital care until at least April 7th due to the remaining infection.
We resumed our daily care for the dog. Unfortunately, we can't bring her home as she wasn't socialized and could attack our pets. She's starting to warm up to us some.
I care deeply about what's going on with him and have helped him all I can, even making meals for him, but I'm getting depressed and overwhelmed about it all. Each day, my son and I come home from that awful house feeling such despair. We even tried to clean it one day, but quickly discovered that it was way too much for us and would need a professional crew.
If that's not bad enough, my brother keeps having us look for things over there to bring up to him, including laptops and computer parts, which is maddening. He said he needs these things to pay his bills. One would think that he would have packed a bag in anticipation of his latest hospital stay. Plus, he texts me all day, every day. It seems like there's no escape.
I feel like he's consuming my life. I have health issues, including diabetes, asthma, and autoimmune disorders. This isn't not good for me or my son, but we're all he has and so there's no alternative.
My son has been wonderful, willing to help him as well--though my brother had never had anything to do with him--but he too is suffering depression from this. No one else in the family, cousins, nieces or nephews, are willing to help. None of them even visited him in the hospital or sent a card, which is heartbreaking.
I'm sorry this is so long. I guess I needed to vent. If you have any advice, I'd love to hear it. Thanks.
You cannot clean up the hoard of a hoarder as it enrages them. Maybe consider consulting with a therapist who specializes in hoarding disorder to get some wisdom on boundaries and avenues to help him or prevent him from returning to his home. The facilities release him because he is not cognitively incapacitated. This is where pictures may be fruitful.
But I think you need to back completely away and keep reporting him to APS and allow them to figure out his care. Anyone who allows their feet to turn gangrenous is not playing with a full deck, but he looks to outsiders like he's capable. He's in a grey area that may take a while to sort out his ultimate care solution.
This care you speak of is not in any wise sustainable. With amputations going on and brother living as he is, I seriously doubt he will survive surgeries in these conditions. He now needs placement and he needs the care of around the clock shifts with several people on each one. This isn't a job you can take on. It simple cannot be done by one person and I saw that as an RN. It has gone on way longer than it should have without some intervention of the state.
Please report him as a senior at risk.
If you stand your ground they will have to find the appropriate facility to have him placed in.
And of course you may need to get APS involved as well, and let the state take over his care and the situation.
This situation is WAY more than anyone could handle family or not, and what needs to be done now is what is best for all involved. And what is best for your brother, yourself and your son is for your brother to be placed in a facility where he will be looked after and not left in filth, and you can get back to just being your brothers sister and advocate, and not his overwhelmed caregiver.
Please don't let your brothers mental illness(yes, hoarding is a mental illness)take you and your son down with him. You both deserve better.
I wish you well in getting your brother placed in the appropriate facility.
You may have to rehome the dog, and think about ever way to make this easy on you, make a list, of absolutely must and go down. Some things are just going to have to be eliminated, your health, mental and physical, and your relationship with your husband matters too.
I think you need to call APS and report a vulnerable and disabled senior living in a hoarded home with no heat or whatever other issues exist there. They will come by, once he's home, and determine whether he's safe or not. If not, they will place him in managed care for his own safety.
As far as the texting goes, I'd just tell him you are unable to find anything in his cluttered home and leave it at that. Turn your phone off when necessary. Oftentimes I rue the day I got a cellphone.
Best of luck.