Starshell Asked September 18, 2024
Need advice for difficult mother.
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My Mother 62-is disabled (Rheumatoid Arthritis) She’s never been on meds (refuses to go to ra Dr) and the last time she was at hospital she was told it’s progressive RA, especially because it’s untreated. The hospital recommended in Jan. for her to go into a facility to be cared for 24 hrs a day, at least until she got her hip replacement. She decided to go back home against their advice and she managed to get home health to come 5 days a week. She wont move closer to me so I could help her. 3 hours drive time to see her. Im 41 -have two young kids, husband and work. She’s very very very difficult to deal with. (She has mental illness of some form. Her Dad was diagnosed schizophrenia and she has displayed paranoid symptoms of that along with OCD behavior-she’s went homeless twice from paranoia.) We moved uncountable times when I was a child and always accusing ppl my whole life. She has never been formally diagnosed -even with 3 husbands and a crazy life-she’s managed to get through life never being evaluated. With home health now, she has already run one sitter off. And who knows the future sitters. She wont let them cook on her stove, she demands I place orders & get her groceries delivered and she only wants high quality organic items/freezer meals, she wont do any kind of meals on wheels. She throws food away-I even homecooked 20 days worth of meals& took to her. Only to find out she threw them away because they were in plastic containers. Im at my whits end. I’m tired and Ive asked her to start placing her own grocery orders,but she’s resisting strongly and saying she’ll starve and Ill be responsible. I do go down and get her to her Dr. visits and have rushed down there for other issues. But, she doesn’t cooperate with literally anything. She’s used me up financially, emotionally, and mentally myself. She threatens me of calling the police on me if I dont help her with any little thing she wants. Any possible way she can threaten and accuse me she does. I have to block her on my phone constantly to get a little peace in my life. Am I legally responsible for her? Im not her POA. The only thing I signed was her home health company sheet- I was a backup contact/caregiver if they couldn’t send anyone out. Also, Im worried about the future with her and her physical and mental health declines even more. I need help. Im in TN. But honestly Im afraid to be her POA- she’s mean and manipulative. Im the only person to help her. She has no friends to help. No other family.
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If I call APS would they be able to get her to those appointments? Or should we take her until she’s in hospital and tell someone there APS needs to be contacted for future issues. She will refuse to go into a rehab place. She already did when she had knee replacement surgery several years back. She lied and said someone would be at her home to care for her, but she went back home alone and never went to physical therapy.
I know I just need to cut her off for good. I have been weak mentally for many years and Im determined to cut her off now. I can’t keep going on like this. My focus has been taken off of my family constantly for years now. It’s time. It’s just now or after this surgery?
You made it thru a difficult childhood to become a good person. Nothing can stop someone who has done this!
Mom's getting enough Govt. money to never starve. She will need to face facts that she is not the Queen of the World, and will have to live within her means. She got herself into her own mess, and you are not responsible (nor caused it) whatsoever!
If she can afford an I-Phone, stop giving her money! Stop doing things for her, she can order her own food delivery. Let her call the police, they can't do anything to you. You should call APS Intake, tell them just the basics...you can't keep taking care of her, since you work and have your own family to take care of. Tell them she threatens to call the police if you don''t call in her grocery order! Tell them she has an I-Phone and can use it. You are not her POA, and not legally responsible for her. She also demands extra money from you for her expensive tastes, but you need to feed your own family. That is enough for them to deal with her.
Meanwhile, STOP doing everything she wants! Stop giving her money! She can go to the hospital on her own, or call Uber for a ride. Let her calls go to Voice Mail. If se has a fit, tell her simply: "I made vows to my husband, not you. I need to take care of my own family." You can't help someone so stubborn like this, they will never do what they should.
The time, money and energy you give to her you will never get back. Your husband and family are your priority.
She thinks you are her care slave, and slavery ended after the Civil War.
You are not her PoA. Do not ever be her PoA or guardian for someone like this.
Do not continue to do anything for her. You stop taking or returning all her calls. Now the solution is for APS for her county to be called and get her on their radar as a vulnerable adult. You will need to be patient and wait for a judge to assign her a legal guardian who will then have the authority (and know-how) to get her into a LTC facility. If you continue to insert yourself (even a little) then it delays her getting appropriate care by social services for her county.
Your priority is to your own immediate family. You cannot help someone who isn't willing/able to help themselves -- especially without legal authority. She will continue to fight you and manipulate you so that you orbit around her for absolutely no good reason. You are already on your way to burnout. The solution for you is NO. She does have other care options. She won't like it but this is what she's created. She painted her own self into a corner.
There are plenty of other threads on this forum from exhausted and exasperated adult children of mentally ill parents. Please read those also so you understand what not to do. I respectfully suggest you see a therapist so that you can identify and defend healthy boundaries with her in the future.
It’s time for me to stop and focus on myself and imm. family. Im not a spring chicken anymore/my health matters and I have been telling myself she’s robbing me of my precious time of being a fully focused mother to my children. Thank you again.
I would also call the Area Agency on Aging in her area and ask what their best advice is to help a vulnerable senior with no nearby assistance.
For your mental health's sake you now need to completely step away, and call APS and report a vulnerable adult living by herself. They will come out and do an assessment and take things from there. I would also let APS/the state take over the responsibility of her.
DO NOT under any circumstances offer to be your mothers POA or guardian. Again let the state take over all of that.
How very sad that your mother being so young has not taken better care of herself. But that is on her not you, and she must now live with the choices that she's made.
And DO NOT help her financially anymore as you need your money for your own family. If your mother doesn't have enough money she can apply for Medicaid.
Your sole responsibility is to yourself, husband, marriage and children. Period, end of sentence.
So quit enabling your mother and allow her to now lie in the bed that she has made for herself.
1. Give advice
2. The person decides
3..The consequences are theirs
This is how they learn.
If someone (meaning well) steps in to save them (when they make a poor decision) they can learn to be dependant on that person.
It happened like that to me. It was suggested to my LO to be more independant & get a taxi home. I got a call to say come get me as the taxi didn't come. Each week then.. funny that.. again no taxi. One time I said No. I am busy. LO got a taxi home just fine. Then I SAW how this behaviour was being replicated in So Many other ways. I can't remember who, but someone called this *Limit Testing*.
The person will keep UPPING their *need* to find your limit. This can eat your whole life up.
Does this make sense?
Over the past 6 years Ive had to contend with this (constant demands of things she wants on a whim) on top of the money for expensive high quality groceries. So it’s been a fight constantly, especially when she thought I jipped her and bought low quality. She would even tell me how horrible of a daughter I was for not buying expensive things. Ive put up with a lot from her. It’s my fault and I realize that now.
I thought for a long time it was my duty as a good daughter to give her what she wanted, Ive been enabling her for farrr too long. It’s time for her to realize this “free ride” has got to stop. She’s used me up -mostly emotionally. Im tired.
No.
Untreated mental illness, especially paranoia, or severe personality disorders are very difficult and can lead to dangerous and frustratingly avoidable situations. But that these outcomes occur do not mean you are responsible for the person.
It likely is time to let the situation play out, to focus on your own family, and stop propping her up. This will draw her into care faster.
Two other things: 1-Then”calling the police” is an empty threat (and it clearly is a threat to force you to help her) You are not committing a crime. She can call, but nothing will happen.
2-If you were/did have POA (either medical or financial) it still would not make you legally responsible for her in terms of having to provide resources or care. It would just mean that you could represent her for various medical decisions or financial transactions. Also, she would have to give you the POA and that seems unlikely here. Most of all, if you do not want to be POA—DON’T DO IT.
You have a long history here with a mentally ill mother who honestly, well-intentioned as you are--you cannot help. You didn't cause this and can't fix it. Your mother will live perhaps another three decades, until you yourself have grandchildren. Currently she is my DAUGHTER'S age. My stepdaughter just retired from teaching at age 62, following dealing with RA her entire adult lifetime. While it is hard to deal with she still maintains her home and garden and lives an active lifestyle with great medication and care from Kaiser.
Your mom, whether due to mental illness or not has made poor choices throughout her life. These have consequences. Do not let her RUIN your OWN life.
I would allow the state to be notified at the point you believe your mom to be a danger to herself. She is not cooperative. It is UTTERLY impossible to function for a mentally ill person. Join groups out there that support families of the mentally ill. There are many Forums on Facebook.
KNOW your own limitations and honor them and give care to your own family. Your mom's life has been what it has due to her own actions. You are not responsible and I do not believe, no matter WHAT you do that you can help her whatsoever.
Call APS when you believe she needs state to intervene in her care. Let them be the arbiters.
Be sure to read the wonderful memoir Never Simple by Liz Scheier. It is cheap used on Amazon or request at your library. Ms S. tried for a lifetime to intervene and help her mentally ill mom along with the entire social services of New York city and state. ALL TO NO AVAIL. I think you will clearly understand after reading that book that there is sadly little you can do here.
The way our lives turn out is a result of the choices we've made for ourselves. Your mother made hers. You can't reasonably expect to step in and make everything beautiful for her again, because she's already trashed herself beyond that point. Nothing you can do would fix this. Anything you would do risks pulling you into her reality - and why would you do that? You've seen this going on for many years. You've done what you could. Now you can do no more. And that's the truth.
I wish you luck in getting totally out of her life. Don't be POA, don't pay her bills, don't worry about her threats. The police aren't going to do anything to you. You are not responsible. Don't go to her doctor visits. The more you prop her up, the less anyone else will take the lead to get her the help she needs. No propping! And for heaven's sake, don't move her closer to you. That's a recipe for disaster.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/schizophrenic-copd-vascular-dementia-mother-new-care-facility-adjustments-there-is-hope-489999.htm
You can help you Mom without being the person that gives the help. The problem with this country is its felt that those with mental illnesses can make their own decisions legally. And those that deal with parents with mental illnesses will tell you different. Call APS. Tell them you have done everything for Mom but she wants it her way and feels your the one who needs to be there for her. You have your own family to care for. Could they please see if there is anything they can do. At least put her on their radar.
My mantra "I am here to help people find a way, not be the way"