waytomisery Posted January 16, 2025
Tragic end to caregiving
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Last night my husband came home from the office looking like a ghost. I asked him, “What’s wrong?”
He told me that one of his staff had not been to work since last week, was on emergency PTO. My husband was aware that she had been dealing with her elderly parents refusing to go to a facility or doctors and they kept firing hired caregivers. She assumed they had dementia, living in a somewhat hoarded house as well. She had no luck with APS.
Yesterday, HR informed my husband that she had emailed that she felt she was not doing her job well enough anymore due to family caregiving problems and was resigning immediately. She also committed suicide.
There needs to be a better way of releasing caregivers from these situations.
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It really emphasizes how people should reach out to each other they know who are dealing with caregiving. Lots of times we assume someone will reach out if they need help. But that obviously is not the case.
A cautionary tale, to be sure.
As long as parents exert guilt and don’t let go of stubbornness and entitlement there is no solutions.
I feel enormous sympathy for every woman, yes, if I remember correctly 60% or more of caregivers are women aged 40-60 and beyond.
And how many on this forum write happy stories about caregiving?
It is always about guilt, they are not good enough, don’t do enough. Etc. etc.
Maybe guilt is a root of all evil.
She previously had to leave an abusive husband and was living in a homeless shelter when my husband hired her a few years ago .
The woman had been through a lot .
This is a good example why we need to extend as much grace as possible to new posters here. I dare say it's a fine line that all caregivers dance with.
I was losing my mind when Mom became totally uncooperative , no bathing , changing clothes , or eating food other than cookies . I credit my mother’s gerontologist for releasing me of this guilt . She saw the whole picture and said she was worried about me not Mom . And told me that Mom had to be in a facility where she could not boss family around . And I needed to live my life with my husband and kids again .
On the other hand , my nephew who placed my sister with Lewy Body 2 months ago in a beautiful board and care , is getting no support from the neurologist . When my nephew asked him to tell his Mom she can’t be home alone because she kept demanding to go home , the neurologist said he does not get involved with those issues . Nor would he give a letter that she’s not competent , which clearly she is not .
The hospital and rehab had already said she needed 24/7 supervision and could not handle her financials .
Luckily the primary care PA that comes to the board and care was willing to give that letter . Sis has been threatening to find a ride back to my nephews house where she was living . She had called her bank as well trying to change some things .
I could understand people who need to just walk away to save themselves when no one will help . This woman has a son . I wish she had just walked away , gotten mental health care for herself and for her son’s sake , as harsh as that sounds .
It’s only some relief. The parent will most likely complain . However , it can be necessary at times.
Some doctors are so skittish or flat out refuse to get involved even when the parent has dementia and the adult child is drowning .
I think they should have to spend a few days with a family in these circumstances to understand .
Unfortunately those in power to advocate for such change are wealthy enough to hire folks to care for their elderly, or have banked millions so they will never have to worry about burdening their kids. (Not making this political. I think they all forget the little people) We're living longer, but not necessarily healthier in those additional years. That puts a great strain on the younger family members, feeling they need to care for parents at home.
It's frightening. I'm born in the last year of the Boomer generation. I have a plan that doesn't involve having my niece and nephews care for me, and have saved for it. I just hope in 20 + years what I've planned and saved will be sufficient. Because I never want to be a burden to them. Ever.
In the meantime, we have to give emotional support each other in the community, even if it is just being a sounding board.
Aside from concern for her son, the phrase "Don't forget to take care of yourself too" keeps running through my mind. Do people who say this to us actually think that it helps? When it's almost impossible to take care of oneself unless there is someone to carry some of the burden of caregiving? Clearly this poor woman had little help. There was probably no one to make sure she got mental health care or to relieve her of the burden that HER PARENTS put on her. Yes, HER PARENTS. They expected their child, who clearly had her own problems as an abused wife who'd been homeless, to take care of them. How selfish. How awful.
Let's all resolve not to put that burden on our own children, ever.
One study performed on 566 caregivers reported suicide attempt of 16.1%, whilst the other study 5.9%.
Another study reported one in 17 caregivers of patients with dementia died by suicide.
Some time back a friend of mine made an attempt on her own life. Her MIL couldn't live alone anymore because of dementia so she was moved in. My friend didn't work and many times when there's a woman at home people take that to mean that she's available for everyone's child and elder care needs.
Finally after my friend had a nervous breakdown due to day after miserable day being abused by her nasty, disgusting, stubborn, abusive MIL, her husband and his siblings finally agreed to some homecare.
That's how I we became friends. One day I showed up for my shift at her house and her car wasn't there. It was in the garage running with my friend in it. she survived and recovered. A month or so later her husband went against his family's wishes and put his mother in LTC/memory care.
I was nearly driven to an act of desperation myself when I was living with my own senior, stubborn, abusively-needy mother. I'm one of the lucky ones who got a happy ending. So many don't.
I totally agree that there has to be a better way to release caregivers from these situations.
My Generation (Gen X) is the first one in human history that will have shorter life spans than their parents. We are the 'Sandwich Generation'. Often caring for elders and children at the same time while also having to make our livings.
There has to be a better way.
We pay taxes all through our life and are told to save and plan, we try to but most of us will never accumulate enough to outlive our money, it takes millions, we everyday workers do not make enough to do this, never have. We are stuck with nowhere to go and many of us have no family to care for us. Terrible situation.
Caregiving is a all consuming task, one that 1 person can handle on their own, especially with the only option being home care due to financial constraints.
My mother is 99 in AL now with Hospice, she is running out of money, now what? IDK.
I hope I die before I have to face this money thing but who knows I am already 77 and still going strong, sure hope that I do not live to 99.
So sad about this lady having to take her life just to get away from caregiving.
Wow. A very powerful post on your part.
Yes, there has to be a better way.
I wonder why the astronomical rise in dementia rates? Is it just from living longer; or ingestion of forever chemicals in the water, or micro plastic particles? There needs to be more research. Then maybe hopefully a cure.
I dislike the term "burnout” being used for caregivers, as well as for employees, even though it does describe the effect of taking on too much. I feel that it diminishes the very real mental health (and physical health) problems caused by relentless overwhelm, when a person takes on more stresses that their heart, body and mind can cope with. Resilience is used up and there is no means to replenish the store
Although I understand (too well) that job stresses do cause depression, an employee, even in the public or care sector, can resign if they suffer burnout. Caregivers generally don't feel that they can walk away, abdicating all responsibility. The emotional burden is too high. Caring for a loved one isn't a 9 to 5 task, even if you aren't hands on 24/7.