I have posted here before and received a lot of great feedback so doing it again.My Mom is 78 and lives with me for 16 years since my Dad passed. She doesn't drive. My Mom was a work horse in her marriage, worked 6 days a week took care of kids, provided financially, cooked, cleaned, laundry etc. When she retired, she was thrilled she would be close to me and the kids and could help me with the kids. My now ex husband was not the best and I ended up in a similar situation where I was the work horse in my household. I have been divorced almost 8 years now. The kids are grown 1 about to leave for college and 1 just got done with college and transitioning to adult life. Both are home right now but not for much longer. My Mom receives a pension and SS and was not asked to provide anything financially when she moved in. It wasn't until my divorce that I asked for contributions 1 utility (cable) $300 per month toward mortgage and occasionally pick up a grocery bill. Her income is not enough for private senior living and state/county will take it all from her. Oh and in Jan this year, I lost my long time job and still as of this date am still looking for a job. Luckily I do have some savings but with that stress and a child getting ready to go to college and an ex that barely contributes, it adds stress and I am trying to remain positive Anyhow...the issues is that she is unhappy with me all the time. I never live up to her expectations. I did have a relationship that ended up failing after 5 years because my family responsibilities were much more than his and we just couldn't make it work. My Mom didn't like him and so that didn't help and it added to my balancing. She is becoming more and more forgetful. She is never happy and she drinks a lot of wine. She saids I go out too much. She saids my kids talk more to me than to her. She said I cook better than her so she really doesn't want to cook. I took her on 3 vacations last year and she still is not happy, she wants us to go back to when the kids were little and we would take them all kinds of places. She does have friends and travels but it is not enough. I have never held her back in anyway. I have always supported her travels and joining groups, tried to suggest hobbies... the answer is always NO to me unless I take her out... even when I do I have to hear about how I don't take her out enough. I recently tried to find a senior in the area that would take her out 3-4 per week whether that was a doctor's appointment, haircut, shopping, going to a park, a senior activity etc. It was going to cost $60-80 per week. I asked her to pay for it since she has the income and the rest of the world pays for their own transportation such as car payments, gas, insurance, car repairs etc. She refuses, then I told her even tho I am unemployed, I will pay for it. Still refuses. I setup and paid for a counselor even though I don't have insurance right now to help mediate between us because there is so much resentment from me and she is just won't comprise on anything that will elevate some of the stress on me right now. The counselor did tell her she really needs to start socializing outside of me more. She really tried to get to the heart of why she won't take the transportation services. My Mom saids one thing but her actions are different. She tells her she is content with her life as is, she has friends and goes places. Then she drinks a lot and tells me how I don't do enough with her. I am in counseling myself for not feeling like enough and now I am fully aware of where it comes from and for the guilt I feel for constantly making her feel unloved. I have asked her to go stay with my brother in another state. I have no other support. That of course made her feel unloved. I am really at my wits end. The counselor told me that my part is to take a deep breath and let go of what I can't control. She will have to figure things out herself if she refuses.
And the third mistake is thinking that you must be her entertainment committee. Gosh and then your 4th mistake is letting an alcoholic live in the same house as your children.
I could go on and on, as there has been one mistake after another, and now it's only you that can correct all the wrongs that have been done. And surely you don't want to continue living with this ungrateful b*tch once all your children are out of the house do you?
And it's YOU that is feeling bad because you think she feels unloved!!! Give me a break. You should feel bad because it is YOU that is unloved by her. What a hot mess!
So it's time for you to give your mom a months notice that she needs to find a new place to live, and yes that will mean that she will have to spend all of her money on it as she should have 16 years ago.
And perhaps an assisted living facility will fit the bill, as she will be around other folks her age, have lots of activities to do if she wants, plus they have their own transportation that will take her where she needs to go.
Time to cut the apron strings(actually it's long past due)and get on with living the life you want without the noose of your mom hanging around your neck.
Try it, you may just like it.
You last wrote us about all of this early February.
My own answer hasn't really changed a lot from that time.
Guilt is of course inappropriate. You didn't cause aging and you can't fix it.
You don't wish to live with your mother anymore, and after 16 years I think that is both a wise and an appropriate decision.
Your mother moved in (was either asked to or allowed) at a VERY EARLY age. She was about my daughter's age. It did her no favor.
What you perhaps could be feeling a bit guilty about was allowing that to happen, and fostering a relationship of enmeshment and enabling that has created a co-relationship. She is now a bit old to want to start a new life, but back then she would have been well able to, as would you have.
Your mother has been given choices as to how to carry forward.
I agree with your therapist regarding that.
However, I am disappointed that said therapist has been unable to point out to you:
#1. The inappropriateness of guilt (the other G-word of GRIEF would be better suited)
#2. The fact that you cannot be responsible for the happiness of another person,
#3. That to be unhappy about decisions is a part of life that yes, you just have to deal with. It signals a need to move forward and move on with life.
Best of luck.
Do you feel unloved? Seems like you do, based on what you've written. Is that okay? Don't you have the right to be treated in a loving way? Especially since you've been so kind and caring to your mom, but she won't commend you for that, and you are made (by her) to feel less than?
So, so what if mom feels unloved? This should be a two-way street between you. You shouldn't bear all the burden of everything.
Get mom out of your house! No way should you harbor an alcoholic in the same house with your kids. Concentrate on getting a job, getting your kids to college, and all the other things you and your kids need. Mom has lived her life. The rest of you have not and deserve to.
"Oh, but she'll cry and say mean things to me and she'll feel unloved and..." Yup. Time for mom to grow up and take care of herself. "Oh, but she worked so hard for all of us and..." Yup. Thank her and move her out. That was then, this is now, and it's time for you to protect yourself and your family from your toxic, alcoholic, uncaring, rude, moocher of a mom. "Oh, but..." NO but. She goes.
I'd be the one feeling "unloved" after 16 years of not getting any rent or financial support from someone living under my roof! Who gets BOTH SS and Pension? Especially NOW, since you lost your job? Mom got by 16 yrs without the expense of a car, registration, maintenance, gas or insurance? Must be nice!
Let me give you a Wakeup Call. Just do the math:
16 years x 12 months/year equals 192 months - of no financial contribution!
Even if she contributed $400 monthly, which is not much...considering the high cost of rent, utilities, transportation, taxes and food:
192 Months x $400 = $76,800 you could have had (but didn't get)
Mom probably has a nice stash from her 16 years of freeloading off you. Yet she has the nerve to complain constantly about YOU? You took her on 3 vacations too?
The reality is that selfish Mom is costing you too much money and stress, and you need to get her out. You have the stress of a divorce, paying for major expenses, including utilities, car/gas, food, college, and a counselor....with a useless Ex and alcoholic Mother draining you dry. Even worse, she runs you down and tries to control you, while she saves thousands?? Mom can get a low-income Senior apt. and see how 99.9% of people pay actual money to live now. She can use Uber for rides, and get her food delivered. She had it made 16 years too long.
You can be her doormat until she dies, or you CAN control ONE THING...who lives in your home. Get your SELFISH Mom OUT before you end up sick from stress or filing bankruptcy. Give her a 30 day eviction notice for NON-PAYMENT. Don't feel guilty another second. Even if she offers you $1,000 a month, DON'T TAKE IT!
She is selfish, rude, unappreciative...so what if she "took care of you" when you were young? Mom was "credited back" by getting a 16 year free ride, so you have no legitimate reason to feel you owe her anything! She has ZERO respect for you. I bet she's got over $70K in her bank. Stop being her doormat and paying to do it.
Take a deep breath...get an eviction notice filed and get her served. You have the time now, with no job. Mom will have a fit, of course...tell her you'll help her move. Tell her you simply can't afford her anymore. She'd be happier around other Seniors and have activities. Tell her she should be able to afford a nice apt. since she saved so much money not having to pay rent for so long, right? She needs her own Wakeup call. You don't get that 16 years of costs back, either. At least you can get your self worth and confidence back, and get a great new job!
Being divorced myself, REMEMBER THE #1 LIFE RULE of all divorced women:
*She who pays, runs the show.* THAT IS YOU, MY DEAR. YOU GOT THIS!
I'm really sorry she's still dragging you down with her negativity. I remember your other thread and how frustrated I felt on your behalf.
You say she doesn't have enough money for private senior living. Have you looked into housing for low-to-moderate income seniors? Some communities have it. You could put her name on a waiting list if so.
With your children leaving home, is it possible to reconfigure your living space so that you have some more privacy from her, without having to hide out in your bedroom? Convert a bedroom into a separate sitting room for you or for her, move her to a bedroom on a different level, anything like that?
She is on anti depressants and I recently took her to her doctor's and we went over a lot of things. I don't feel like my Mom communicates effectively and she leaves things out. Once I was able to fill things in for the doctor, she explained to my Mom that drinking will definitely lead her to dementia, and maybe the cause of her high blood pressure and digestive issues. She is experienced with this as her Mom is an alcoholic so she she see what it can cause medically. She also told her that she might as well stop taking the antidepressants because the alcohol is just canceling it out. Since that visit my Mom has cut back some on the wine but won't give it up completely. I have taken her out to Bingo with me and my friend the other day, took her to a senior event today. Next week my son's girlfriend is flying into town and I arranged for us, a guy I am dating and some friends to go see a local band. My Mom is walking around going am I invited to that? I didn't have the heart to say No but sometimes I would like my space. I think me being off work is definitely adding to the tension. I am so looking forward to getting back to work. I am also trying to get her to schedule a visit with my brother for a few weeks just to give us space.