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As a person who spent many years working in a nursing home in the early 70’s I experienced patient violence. Back then there was no medical name for this behavior, no mention of dementia:Alzheimer’s. Here I am 60 years later dealing with Alzheimer’s/violent behavior by my mother. On I live in a state who provides no help, cost (due to inflation) are astronomical! I know from my experiences nursing homes will not tolerate violent patients, punching, scratching, breaking things, slamming doors, knocking down furniture. These are just a few of the things my mother does. Tonight she had soiled herself, it calmly whispered into her ear, “ mom,” I think you had a wet fart. It’s always worked she allowed me to get her cleaned up. Well not tonight!! Nope, as soon as I squatted down to help her to get slippers off to remove clothing and soiled briefs, with all her might she balled up her fist and punched me in the Side of my face, with the other hand grabbed a handful of hair! After a good 5 minutes she let go of my hair. Reached down took off her soiled briefs flipped inside out, tried to hit me with them, turned and smeared the fecal matter all over the bathroom wall! I walked out waited. She opened the door and started to walk down the hall butt naked, stool all over herself and she started up again with her violence, I spoke to her as quietly/calmly as possible. Ok I’m calling 911 the officers will come with paramedics either way straight jackets and take you away! I’m done!! Turned around and walked into the living room. About 10 minutes later she called out “help” I went in br to find her on toilet and she didn’t understand why she had stool all over her. But she was still angry, managed to get her cleaned in pjs and in bed! There are many days like this and times I regret starting this journey

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Call 911 next time. You can’t allow yourself to be hit.

Through no fault of your own, your mother needs a higher level of care.
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Reply to Bulldog54321
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I agree with others that instead of threatening to call 911 you do now call.
First order of business is to say she will not be returning to the home; that you are now "afraid for my life".
Second order of business is social workers and placement.
Be ready to answer questions about assets, POA, have documents, about her diagnosis if there is one/need of diagnosis if there is not already one in place.
Be ready to insist she cannot return home, and must be placed in MC (if you have funds) or in Nursing Home (if she requires Medicaid.)

This is not sustainable. She requires now whole teams and shifts of caregivers, and almost certainly will require heavy sedation if there is no UTI and this is her norm.
I am very sorry, but first step is understanding that you cannot do this, and getting proper placement.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Instead of just threatening calling 911, you need to actually do it next time she gets violent, and let them take her to the hospital/psych ward until they can get her on some much needed medications to keep her calm.
And once there you tell the hospital social worker that your mom is now an "unsafe discharge" and she can no longer return home, as you can no longer care for her.
They will have to find the appropriate facility to place her in and once she's on the right medications, placing her should not be a problem.
And if money is an issue then you'll have to apply for Medicaid for her. The social worker can assist you with that as well.
Best wishes in finding the right facility for your mom and getting her on the right medications to keep her calm.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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This behavior isn’t only frightening and unsafe for you, it’s also the same for your mother. Despite her mind being muddled by dementia, it’s still terrifying to feel so out of control, for reasons one cannot understand. Mom desperately needs medication to calm this behavior. It may take a hospitalization to find what works best. Please don’t accept abuse, even from a person with dementia. Act to protect you both. Consider if her ongoing care can be safely accomplished, for you both, in the home. But know medicating to calm this will be a gift to her. I wish you both peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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You can change your mind about this journey. It isn't a failure to do so. It's a failure if staying in this arrangement causes you to lose your sanity and dignity and joy,

Her being under your care doesn't change the trajectory of her ALZ. Either she willingly takes meds for her agitation/anxiety/depression prescribed by her primary doctor or she goes to a hospital psych ward until they find the right medication. She can't help herself. You allowing these rages is NOT helpful to her. She needs meds now. And you need your life back.

You are in contact with her primary doctor, right? If not you need to make that call today. And, if you're not your Mom's PoA, this is yet another issue that will come back to bite you in the butt, hard.

My MIL was in an excellent faith-based facility on Medicaid for 7 years. She received wonderful care and attention. If you are worried about the qualify of where she may end up, you need to research places. Good places do exist.

Caregiving has to be on the caregiver's terms or burnout will 100% result.

May you receive clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you ponder solutions for the both of you.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Worth repeating.


“It's not just horrible for you to have her behave this way, it's horrible for her to have the rage that leads her to behave this way.”

it is okay to decide to get help for you and mom.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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You should actually call 911 and ask them to take her to the hospital. Then have them keep her while they find the medications or medications to calm her down and get her on an even keel. It's not just horrible for you to have her behave this way, it's horrible for her to have the rage that leads her to behave this way. You owe it to both her and yourself to do it.

Is she living in her house, or are you living in hers?

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
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Reply to MG8522
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