We lost my 89 year old father last month. My 85 year old mother has dementia (but thinks she's fine). My sister and I live out of state but plan to visit every few weeks. We've increased the in home care from 4 hours 3 days per week to 5 days (with the goal of 7 days). The stove has been turned off. My mother uses a walker and we have cameras throughout the condo. However, the neighbors continue to let us (and the nurse) know that they aren't comfortable with this arrangement. And especially, that my mother is left alone at night. (I check frequently and she is either doing a puzzle, watching TV or reading before putting herself to bed). One couple has already sent a letter to the head of the condo association. This arrangement has only been in place 1 week and so far, I think it's going as well as could be expected. However, I am concerned that one of these neighbors will call someone on my mother which will create a much more serious problem for us. We are looking into assisted living but it takes time to make that happen. The constant "advice" and expressions of concern are only making a very difficult situation more stressful and anxiety filled. Any advice on how to deal with the neighbors?
If you want an independent assessment, options include contacting APS yourselves, or speaking to a care manager. If you want to improve Condo relationships, letting all the neighbors know exactly what is going on would help (including that you are being contacted by X and Y with criticisms). If you want to stand by your own judgement, do just that. It might also help to find out (eg from Condo management?) how many neighbors are involved and what their past behavior has been like. Two neighbors with reputations as busy-bodies is a different issue from many concerns from sensible people.
Your mom should not be left alone and especially not be spending nights alone. Anything can happen. It is not the neighbor's job to keep an eye on mom, though it is good that they are and report to you.
One of them could call APS and you and sis get in some trouble for not getting mom the care she needs. Decide who she is going to live closer to and get off your back sides and get mom the care she needs before something terrible happens.
A geriatric care manager or even A Place For Mom can help you. Just do something.
Next time you are in town introduce yourself to the immediate neighbors and pass out your name and phone number.
If they express concern mention that you have caregivers hired and are doing remote monitoring and that you just lost your Dad and Mom just lost her husband.
The answer to your question on this thread about the neighbors being ignored is:
YES. They should be ignored and so should their "concerns". I'd be willing to bet that the poster and her sister didn't discuss the safety measures they've taken for their mother, or the status of her homecare aide service, or any other arrangements they've made for their mother with them or the rest of the community. It being none of their business and all. This being said most of their "concern" is speculation and based on their opinion about the situation.
If these people were truly concerned, instead of calling APS and snitching to every nurse and social worker they see, these people would talk to poster and her sister. They would ask what they can do to help if they were truly concerned for the mother's welfare and safety. None of the neighbors are doing that though.
What's more likely going on is there's a lot of elderly "Karens" living in the mother's neighborhood who have nothing better to do with their time than watch who comes and goes from their neighbor's house and to voice their "concerns" to whoever will listen.
In the meanwhile I am not surprised her neighbors are worried. Were I to have a neighbor deemed so compromised that the gas was turned off, I would be concerned myself when she was alone. That is likely my "old nurse" persona kicking in. If you are annoyed I would inform them of your plans as you informed us and tell them that you appreciate their concern and are doing both what you feel is best for Mom. They have your phone number I must assume as they are bothering you on it.
The condo may well step in and speak with you. Once INFORMED of a concern they become thereby responsible under the law in some circumstances. I frankly think it would be negligent on their part once informed not to discuss the case directly with you.
I am sorry you are all going through this.
I would ask you how it is that they all know exactly what your mother's care arrangements are. Why do these neighbors know her business? Is she wandering around the condo complex at night out of her mind from dementia? If not then why would the neighbors think her care is inadequate?
You need to have a talk with these neighbors and tell them to mind their own business because your mother is managing.
You know that statistic about 35% of all caregivers dying before the person they are caring for? I think we have a good example right here.
Even a passing comment such as " I think/I'm afraid we'll be at the point soon where I can't leave her alone anymore..." inserted into a conversation could have started this concern over mom. It could very well be that dad used the neighbors as a sounding board - much like many of us use this forum as such - because he didn't want to "burden" his daughters with his troubles and concerns over caring for his wife.
The whole idea that we need not only neighbors and strangers, but a quazi-police organization to add 'additional incentive' to care for our loved ones in accordance to an arbitrary impersonal standard, is surely just a passing fad.
Do not let the uninformed opinions of strangers scare you. Don't let society bully you, and as a result, your mother.
But also, obviously, take necessary precautions.
I strongly disagree with other posters sympathizing with your neighbors.
Got it.
My guess is the neighbors don't like non residents coming into the neighborhood. They may not like the "class" of caregivers coming into work.
I'd ignore the neighbors.
It is ridiculous they wrote the condo association less than one week after your Dad's death.
I live in Florida by the way. There are tons of 85 year olds living alone in Florida.
It sounds like your mother is capable of putting herself to bed safely.
I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like you are doing what you can do to keep Mom functioning.
For at least 7 years I heard from people that someone should overnight with my parents. My sister and I ignored that. My Dad did not want someone overnighting with them.
We started out with limited care for Mom. It worked fine.
Understand many neighborhoods don't like people of certain races driving in with late model cars. We definitely encountered this with Mom's neighbors. No one said anything directly but
I definitely picked up the racist vibe.
It sounds like you are doing what you should be doing now.
Ignore the neighbors. IGnore, Ignore.
My experience with neighbors is they did not like the "type" of people we had
coming in doing caregiving and the neighbors did not like the additional cars and
traffic from the caregivers. We had people driving into work in late model cars
trying to make an honest living.
We also started out with limited hours of caregiving. It was the right thing to do.
Ignore, ignore ignore the neighbors. You have a right to have caregivers reporting
to work to care for your loved one.
The pay for agency hired caregivers is usually minimum wage per hour or maybe a few cents above. Nobody is going to see new cars pulling up. I know what you mean though. Especially in a senior community. The old biddie neighbors will decide how many cars can park in a driveway and who's allowed to visit.
I can't tell you how many times I've had to use both middle fingers the Good Lord gave me when going to a client's home in a senior community. There were a good many nosey Nellies who had to be told to f-off as well. My clients always enjoyed that and it gave the neighbors something to complain about. When you're private care there's no one for the neighbors to report you to.
Can you move your mom closer? Is the condo something they want? That is why they want her gone? Do they know something you don't?
Are the neighbors friends with your mom? Are they over there checking on your mom? Are they being noisy with the help?
I have to say being 85 and alone is a bit much, even though she has help. Id get her a place now. Can you see in every room if she falls? Or if she falls in the bathroom she is stuck for a full day, or after you dont see her for a few hours, you send help?
If she is just in the beginning stages it will only get worse. How do you know she locks the door when they leave? Or does the help do it with the key.
Can you give more info?
The thing is, if they're sticking their noses into your mother's business you can smile sweetly and thank them for their kind wishes. Your mother's business is confidential and not for public discussion. But if your mother's issues are overspilling into their lives - for example, we had a lady in a comparable situation, also convinced she was fine, but with a regrettable habit of panicking when she woke at six in the morning and running round banging on people's front doors for help - it does become their business and they're not wrong to ask what's going on. Would you rather they didn't give a fig what became of her?
But a week! They might give you a chance to draw breath and fill in the forms!
Meanwhile: “I appreciate your concern. Have a nice day. Good bye.”
Why does getting her into an AL take a long time? Have you identified a couple that are within her price range, perhaps near you?
I'm sure none of them are doing that. The mom could have one of those LifeAlert bracelets or pendants on in case she falls or became ill.
No, what this looks like to me is a bunch of nosey neighbors who don't know how to mind their own business.
Doing so, they also have the power to find suitable placement for your mother.
And if she needs placement, their help could hurry up that process. Or, their assessment could show that you have it covered adequately for now.
Maybe you could call APS yourself (anonymously) for a safety check? It is your Mother that thinks she is okay.
2) show them the paperwork/evidence that you've ordered more in-home care, are making calls for AL placement, etc.
3) ask them what SPECIFIC incidences they continue to be concerned about. If they can't give you any, thank them again and assure them it's being handled as fast as possible given the covid and staffing obstacles. Also, there is a possibility that your mom is telling them stories about you or her care that are not true (but she believes they are). This is a common problem with people who have dementia/memory impairment.
Would the condo association allow one of you to live with her until you have the final care plan in place? Some places won't and you can inform the neighbors about this obstacle.
Are you your mom's PoA? If not, you can also let the neighbors know that since your mom didn't put this place, it is causing delays. (She does have a PoA, that's good). It isn't any of their business but maybe it will get the "Karens" off your back for a while. FYI if you are not her PoA then you can't be held accountable for the quality, quantity or "lack" of her care.
It is true that turning the stove off today may not solve her wandering tomorrow, since new dementia behaviors can turn up every week or day. As long as you're doing everything in your power to get care solutions in place, that's as much as you can do and you can ignore any other noise from the neighbors.
My dad covered for my mom because he truly didn't understand she had dementia. Many of her issues were attributed to her macular degeneration, and she also didn't want to go out in public like she used to, so most people had no idea how bad she was.
In my opinion, neighbors who were merely annoyed by Mom's situation would complain to the management. People who are truly concerned make the effort to contact the family as these people did.
People were so clueless about her condition that after Dad died and she moved into a nursing home (a full four years after dementia set in), she convinced a visitor that she had remarried and he spread that "joyous" news all over town not knowing that her new husband was imaginary.
You can tell the neighbors that you're looking into Memory Care AL for your mom, but there's nothing more you're going to do about the situation in the meantime. If they all APS, you'll deal with that matter if and when it happens.
My mother has advanced dementia these days & sundowns something awful; when it first began, she started declining around 2 pm every day and her agitation got progressively worse as the evening approached. As the others have said, dementia can turn on a dime, especially after a loved one passes away & the elder is traumatized & alone. I would seriously look into 24 hr a day care for your mother until she gets placed. That will calm down the neighbors fears and get them off of your back too, not to mention it will help YOU relax a bit more. More help is never a mistake; less help can often leave you with regrets.
My condolences on the loss of your father. Best of luck getting your mother placed asap. Please be sure it's Memory Care AL you look into and not regular AL.
There is the possibility that the neighbors could place a call to APS. If and when that happens what will the response be when mom answers the door?
I think you need another plan. Either someone with her 24/7 or placement in a Memory Care community.