How can I approach the subject of dementia without Dad getting upset?
Back history: My father is 65 years old. I know that isn't elderly by any means, but he has several health problems. He has macular degeneration, COPD, epilepsy, and a year ago he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer, from which he is recovering, but has a stent in his throat.
I am his primary caretaker and POA. I take him to almost all of his appointments, as his macular degeneration took away the ability to drive years ago.
What's going on:
I think my father, while still young, my be suffering from dementia? I know it can be brought on by stress and he is under tons of stress.
Symptoms:
1. My father will forget things he needs to do. While I am both my parents primary caretaker, I do not live with them. He makes sure Mom has her meds and he has his meds in the morning. Ill come over and find it wasn't done.
2. He forgets things ALOT... Ill be talking to him and he wont remember what happened 20 minutes ago, or an hour ago, or yesterday...
3. He calls people by the wrong name. He refers to me as my daughter or my mother, he called my youngest son his nephews name (who is older then me) , he calls my mom "Mom" which he has never done before. He calls my brother my husbands, or sons name. He calls my husband my son's or brother's name...
The help I need:
My Dad is very sensitive. He gets upset for little reason. I am afraid if I approach the topic with him he will get upset at me. As well, I think if we are at one of his DR. appointments and I bring it up he will be upset. How do I do this? Any help?
Realize that his upset is not something you need to feel responsible for. You are not at fault here, a disease is. Even if he targets you first, remember his anger is at other things, not you. You may be the place his emotions get dumped, but it's not about you or something you did.
Start getting mentally ready for it by visualizing how you will stay calm, how you will not get pulled into the dismay. Visualize how you are going to protect yourself (on the inside) so you can get through it. Dad will need to lean on you for support in some fashion. Maybe learn some deep breathing exercises. Stress control will come in handy often, I promise.
As dementia progresses, you are potentially going to see him be upset a lot. That's what dementias do. They take away your emotional regulation. They take away your ability to be an adult who can keep it together under stress.
Everybody has their thing that brings them comfort. For me, it's information. Knowledge is power, so I will go do research until I feel better. I also use my anxiety control exercise I learned in a fear of flying course because it works like a dream. I also use a visulatization meditation of me inside a plastic bubble (like Bubble Boy), and mom is outside of it, having a tantrum, but I can't hear it and it's hard to see because the plastic is so thick. She's very out of focus and faint. I am safe inside the bubble. I can see everything inside the bubble very clearly, and will turn away from mom to face a window with a sunny, grassy space. The birds are chirping and it's beautiful. That's my anxiety meditation.
I am thinking, since I am his power of attorney, I will talk to his doctor my self. She is a very good doctor and doesn't try to hide things from me, as she knows I am his lifeline to everything, and his power of attorney. I know more about my parents medical history then they do, I think. Since my father is blind, I fill out 90% of all paperwork. The doctor trusts me. I am trusting that she will know what to do from there.
Thank you for your suggestions.
If this is one of the many dementias, there will be a great deal to plan for, and you should not expect to do it all yourself. Please check back in.
However, those are good tips and I appreciate it. thanks