He has dementia and if left on his own, his hygiene is non-existent, lies about eating (say he ate when he hasn't), pretends he didn't hear us give him a directive, SAYS he will when he does hear and doesn't move. (The latter is what makes me want to hit him - I don't - I just walk away and vent to my husband)
I know you are looking for advice. The frustration, bitterness, guilt will eat you alive; I've been there. How to find peace?
1. Come to this forum; it has been my saving grace.
2. Luckily you have your husband or trusted friends to vent to -- keep doing it.
3. Hire some help if you can - in-home caregivers a few hours a week and make it their responsibility to make sure he is bathed, shaven, haircut, etc. Also, let them be responsible for feeding him (monitoring that he consumes a nutritious meal) on the days they are there.
4. Give up on the meals and just have some healthy snacks available: Ensure, protein shakes, protein bars, cut up fruits and veggies, yogurt, cheese cubes, 1/2 sandwich or 1/4 sandwich, peanut butter crackers, etc. Let him snack with several small meals a day vs. forcing the other. I've found with my mom, that if we go out to eat; she has a healthy appetite. If we are at home; she barely eats -- and a full meal is just too overwhelming. She does better by "grazing" all day.
5. Get him out of the house to senior center a few times a week -- you'll feel better that he is doing something other than sitting around driving you crazy.
6. Try to do one activity a week with him that will make you feel "successful" and non-stressed so you can have one "happy time" with him:
A walk (with a nice milkshake --add protein to his!)
A picnic lunch out in your back yard -- a lawn chair, picnic basket, tablecloth -- "a real picnic" for a change of scenery. Just enjoy being outside, watching the birds, gazing at the flowers...little talk; just quiet.
Happy hour - one evening a week; you have wine, he has a small glass of wine, cheese, fruit, crackers. Or if you don't drink, make it ice tea or other special non-alcohol beverage.
An outing to a park where you can walk, sit, have a snack -- change of scenery.
I hope this helps. I limit my time with my mom (I live far away) and when I'm there I try to do small things with her that brings us happiness and not stress. I've learned to let go and stop trying to control her or make her live how I want her to live. I am slowly learning (and it is day to day) to respect her decisions even when they aren't healthy or good ones.
I live with my Dad. I have him going to the Senior Center Monday thru Friday (seems to be under duress though he complains only to my hubby).
He has always been a task driven man - can't be idle, must be DOING. His domain is the outdoors. Socializing is NOT his thang. What makes him happy is seeing a weeded garden with his plants growing. Working together also makes him happy.
He has said that the upkeep of the yard was difficult so I started doing it. I can see that he wants to do but can't. He will walk around the property, come back in shaking his head and say again that he can't do....daily. Everyday I tell him that is why I'm doing it. You don't have to. Just leave it. Don't worry about it."
Heartbreaking! Heartbreaking to watch a once tough man give in to his frailty. Heartbreaking to see the chauvinist within him wish he could do what he used to do so his daughter wouldn't need to work hard.
What's funny, my Dad used to run away from my Mom by doing anything and everything outside. I'm doing the exact same thing.
Please give it a try and let me know if it helped you like it did with me. I tend to talk fast and change subjects. I learned NOT to do this with father. She will help you to understand hygiene, raising our voices and their reactions to this, food/taste, hearing, etc… I hope it helps you!
Learn as much about his condition as you can and stay connected here and other places where you can vent.
I am visually impaired but I read what I can on a regular basis. It gives me food for thought and tools to help me cope. Not everything I read applies to our circumstances but I gain insights.
It's great that he goes to the Senior Center daily. We have Mom go to one but it's only a few days a week for a few hours at this point. So.... I'm jealous of you. ;-)
There are two books I go back to on a regular basis. "Create Moments of Joy" is one and the other is "You say Goodbye We say Hello". The chapters are short. I keep them in my bathroom where I often find my "me" time.
I can only repeat over and over, learn as much as you can. Your father is still in there. You are talking to a disease, not the father you remember. God bless and take deep breaths! Bee
ONLY this year in April or May, I Finally decided to look it up. Darn it! If I had just looked at it last year, I wouldn't be sooooo angry with father. Like you, Joy, he was really pissing me off! When I started watching those videos nightly, it was hard for me to take it in. I've been a nerd all my life. So, I went and got a notebook. And played Video 1. I then took notes. Lightbulb moments!!! What I was watching all those nights were Finally Registering in my head as I took notes. When I was only watching the video 1 - I saw only 1 good tip. When I started taking notes, I found several good tips on that video. I've been meaning to continue with the videos. I think I stopped at video 4. Her videos are really short but you can get a Lot of Valuable tips from it.
I just watched all 6 parts of the "Making Visits Valuable". Got it added to my favorites. I will need refreshers daily I think. Just last week I found, hidden in the "Calendar of Events" in our local newspaper, there are Alzheimer Caregiver support group meetings on the second tuesday and the third thursday of each month. My hubby will be coming with me. Hoping this will help both of us have a better understanding and give better care to my Dad.
Next, book hunting. Thank you all again for your very valuable tips, suggestions and help on setting me on the path. I used to think I was the most patient person but caring for my Dad has shown me otherwise. I will remain teachable.
There is a book that I've read over and over on this site that people kept mentioning. It helps you understand dementia, getting medical help, characteristic behavior symptoms, daily care, etc.... I bought the paperback book and the words were so tiny. I ended up buying the Ebook version.
The 36-Hour Day - A Family Guide to Caring for People with Alzheimer Disease, other dementias, and Memory Loss in Later Life....by Nancy L Mace and Peter V Rabins.