When my mom was diagnosed with dementia I was distraught. I literally broke down and became a shell of myself. Once my siblings found out they asked me to be her caregiver. So, I quit my job and did just that. Signing up for that role took awhile, a lot had to be signed/approved and my job was no more so my mom agreed to help with some of my bills/finances. Once it was set, I was getting only $600 a month and still couldn't afford all my bills or insurance. I felt guilty, but I still had to ask my mother for help with some finances. Over this time my father worked due to his wanting to pay off debt in a certain amount of time and to get away from my mom's diagnosis (in his words). My dad didn’t chose to be the caregiver so I was home with my mom the entire day. Most of my days were full of being in denial, crying, studying, cooking, going out with my mom and going to gym and doctor appointments. Time has passed and I finally felt like I could move through my grief and establish myself enough to where I didn't need help, could start a career and leave my dad to take care of my mom. While this was happening, my sisters decided to accuse me of stealing from my mom. They denied she ever agreed to help me with any bills. They believed I should have somehow been the fulltime caregiver and work (I applied for remote jobs but didn't get it just yet) leaving my mom home to roam not knowing where she was. They decided to paint my mom's financial help to me as me being a "thief." Now I feel conflicted, confused on how they expected me to be a caregiver fully and pay all my expenses with the little funds caregiving gave at the time. I feel bad for even needing help, which is why I planned on switching the role once my dad decided that's what he wanted to do. Based on my getting help from my mom, I'm accused of stealing (when my mom offered), making my dad work (when he told me he wanted to work at the time to get away from the diagnosis) and doing nothing for my mom (when my siblings barely come around or do anything for her). I know it's all hearsay but I have no idea what they wanted from me. I've always been a punching bag for my older siblings and I will admit this is affecting my younger self who was either verbally/physically abused by them. I'm telling myself I know the truth and that's all that matters but a part of me feels I should have responded to this diagnosis in a much stronger way, kept my job, told my dad to be caregiver, not ask my parents for any finacial help and not have these accusations on me. Thanks for reading.
The most constructive thing you could do now is to walk away from it all. Focus on your own life and leave them to sort out what to do. It’s not what you wanted, but you can’t change things to work to your own ideals. What you can do is avoid ruining your own life big-time and long-term.
Have the courage to admit you made a bad mistake, and walk away.
Your story about siblings accusing you is a very common one, so you are now part of a club that no one wants to belong to. So you see, it isn't you -- it's them. We cannot chose our family members but we do get to chose our boundaries with them. From what you write I think you need to work on your boundaries first and foremost so that other people you encounter in your future cannot treat you like a punching bag you like your siblings did. This is a lesson you need to learn in spades. Please consider a few sessions with a good therapist. You can't defend boundaries if you don't know what they are, and if you don't have the knowledge of how to defend them.
I wish you all the best as you move onward and upward and peace in your heart as you heal.
Fast foward, older sister kept calling APS making false reports. Finally, I got tired of the mess and called the agency telling them to pull everything and send it to a government agency who was heavily involved in placement. By then, I had joined an organization that put me in contact of placement. It was a process, and my sister was placed. Dad had to come home for those two weeks to finish the process. Home Health care was still in place. We had a lovely, patient and kind home health care worker who got sister prepped to leave. I had moved two weeks prior. My job was finished.
From what I've read here so far, you gave up your livelihood to move back to care for mom. Dad vanished into his work. Siblings became almost non existent except to criticize and guilt you into staying and not offering help.
It sounds like it is time to help you now. Look for a full-time paying job and move. Set up home care for mom with dad's assistance. Let your father know that you have helped as long as you can but you need to start looking for a place of your own, work to secure social security for your own retirement.
As for siblings, it is not much you can do with them. Ignore them and start making plans to leave the family home.
Your siblings are way out of line, but this can be easily remedied by your father backing you up to them. Not that your siblings are owed any explanations by you and him because they're not. They do nothing so they don't get any say in where the money goes or how.
My friend, your situation is so common among families when there's need for caregiving. Especially when dementia is involved and all the behaviors that come with that. I know how persuasive and methodical a person can "showtime" for others. They may just want to instigate a bit of trouble out of boredom. Or they crave a bit of sympathy. They're often capable of telling the most horrendous (yet believable) lies about their caregivers or whatever family member they've turned on (usually it's the one they see all the time who actually does for them).
Your mother might be saying terrible things about you to them and she may sound very credible. They don't see her that much so they don't realize there may be 'showtiming' going on. They need to get educated on dementia behaviors.
In the meantime, your father doesn't get to just hide somewhere all day under the guise of working while you do all the care and take all the heat. Your mother is his wife and he has to take some responsibility for her. He made a vow to this woman. You didn't.
So now you put your demands to him if he wants you to continue taking full responsibility for all of your mother's caregiving needs otherwise you will go.
1) He sets his other children straight about the lies they say about you.
2) The two of you go to a lawyer and have legal documents drawn up so some assets are transferred into your name exclusively along with a payment schedule. You have to be looked after too. You're giving up earning and contributing to your own retirement. If he wants you to stay caregiving you have to be made whole. If this means no inheritance for your siblings, so be it. It's your father's choice.
NO child should ever give up their job to care for a parent unless they already have millions of dollars already saved in the bank.
And the fact that you allowed your mom who has a broken brain to pay you when she may not have understood exactly what was going on is to say the least sketchy.
What should have been done is you and your parents should have gone to see a lawyer to have them draw up a contract showing exactly how much they were going to pay you.
But that is now water under the dam, so go out and get yourself a job, move out of your parents house and quite letting your siblings take advantage of you.
And you may want to seek out some good in-person therapy so you can learn how to grow a backbone. It's never too late to do that.
As soon as I read that, I knew there was going be a problem with the siblings. There is always one sibling that can be manipulated and made to feel guilty. How did they think you were going to pay bills if you were not working. Your Dad should be Moms caregiver. "In sickness and in health" Then he asks his children to help or he pays someone.
If you haven't started to do it, look for a job. You need this for future earnings for Social Security. Tell Dad when you find that job, he will need to quit his job and care for his wife. If he does not want to do that, then he will need to pay for someone to come in. If you need to, stay long enough to save money to move out. When you get a place of your own tell Dad you are taking a break. If he needs any help, call your siblings. Your siblings...I would block their calls and not tell them where ur moving too. Tell them you gave up a job to care for their Mom. They helped in no way. Then they accuse you of stealing. If you want, you can help Dad little by little but with boundaries. He needs to rely on all his children. Time to stand up for yourself.
ADMINS: Should this post be better placed in Discussions?
Sky, we only have your side of things here.
And you seem to have questions for us, which is good, there's often no real answers to "Siblings at War". We DO get a lots of posts asking who's right in these skirmishes. Because aren't King Solomon, usually get only one side, we often cannot guess.
The truth is that your parents willingly gave you funds. Their right and their choice if they are competent, and you father, at least, was.
Hindsight is always 20/20 and it would have been better if you and parents had attended an elder law attorney to lay out a "caregiver's contract" that stipulated that you would get room, board and ______$ to care for Mom. This would have protected YOU from these accusations. And it would have protected Mom and Dad, because if they are low on funds and mom needs to enter care, she may require State/Federal help of Medicaid, which has a 5 year lookback (2 1/2 in Cali). Your parents would have to prove that expenditures were for care and they had done no "gifting" during that time. Without a paper trail that isn't easily done. So hopefully the parents giving to you is in the past, and 5 years will pass quickly as well, or they won't need federal help.
As far as anything else goes, this serves as a good warning to others. There must be, for the protection of all, legal care plans signed and sealed, and a good solid paper trail. That's for the protection of all.
Best out to you. I wish luck to all involved.