Did I do the right thing?

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Did I do the right thing?

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My mother has been falling for a few years now, in her apartment and while outside. Two of her most recent falls she fell backwards onto the cement and hit her head pretty hard. After her most recent fall, she had blood coming out of her nose and actually did consent to go to urgent care, usually she refuses to see the doctor after her falls. When she came home after her doctor appointment she then fell over boxes she has sitting in her living room. She can no longer take out her trash or delivery boxes without falling and has 3 weeks of trash and boxes piling up as the neighbor who used to take out her trash for her has left for California. After her most recent fall she told me a man she used to know was her in her locked apartment and wondered how he got in. She then said maybe I was dreaming but she thought it was real.
I live far away from her in another state and there are no other family members close by her. I was very worried about her falling and called her doctor and told him about her past falls and about “ the man” in her apartment. He’s now sending a social worker out to her to do an assessment. I feel terrible about this and if my mother finds out I’m behind it she’ll probably never talk to me again. I just talked to her on the phone today and she seemed fine so now I’m questioning myself if maybe I was overacting.
I'm just wondering if I’ve done the right thing? What are your thoughts? She’s 77 and lives alone. She has refused any suggestions I’ve made in the past about getting some help for her and gets very angry when I bring it up.
Thanks!

Anosognosia Care Decisions Dementia Behaviors Falls Refusing Care

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The best way to ascertain mom's true condition is to go 'boots on the ground' and see for yourself how she is over the course of a few days.

Maybe if she's not too bad. you can hire 2-3xs a week care for her. If she'd still falling and hallucinating, that may be a whole different thing.

I feel unless you actually SEE her for yourself, you won't have a true indication of how she truly is.

My MIL went into an ALF last Feb. Her 'kids' scored her at a 2, maybe 3 as far as the type of care they thought she'd need.

She moves in and the director informs them she is a level 7, which at this facility, meant locked down memory care.

When the smoke had lifted--the kids saw the truth. She actually died 8 days after moving, but at least the family knew they had done their best by her.

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Reply to Midkid58

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Of course you did the right thing! It sounds like your mother may have some dementia going on in addition to mobility problems. Your only goal is to keep her safe, so if she gets SO angry for you having a SW sent over, that's another sign of dementia to be aware of. Mom's goal when you were young and unable to care for yourself was to take whatever precautions were necessary to keep you safe. Now, the tables are turned and she is the one unable to care for herself. Think of it that way.

You should also plan a trip to see mom, physically, and stay with her for awhile. If she cannot take the trash out w/o falling, she needs in home help or placement in Assisted Living.

Good luck and keep us updated.

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Reply to lealonnie1

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Yes, you did do the right thing. Because she isn't willing to accept the help; maybe take one step at a time; someone to stop by a visit twice a week? and/or help with household chores?

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Reply to JudieB

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It is very clear that she isn't safe.
While I here always tease (I am 82) that "Falls-R-Us" given how badly our brain centers responsible for balance fail all of us, and while falls are absolutely inevitable in the aged, this is a huge number of falls. Something is very wrong here. There could be a tumor, a stroke, Lewy's with bad balance, just anything. You aren't there. She has been dependent on neighbors.

I am glad you are sending someone out. And if she asks you can choose to say ANYTHING because in her current state it is very doubtful she will tomorrow have a clue just what you DID say.

You need to make a trip there. She isn't safe. I think that at the least she should be reported to APS.

Is there no one there who knows her that you can speak with?

Make that trip. This is what is known as "getting the call". You soon will, whether it is from a hospital or a coroner.
I am so sorry. But something major is wrong here and she's too young for this to be happening.

I am certain that drinking is ruled out to you knowledge.
l am so sorry and surely do hope you will update us.

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Reply to AlvaDeer

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You are concerned about her safety, and you took action with someone who could help her. Congratulate yourself on being proactive! You absolutely did the right thing. Let us know how it goes.

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Reply to MG8522

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My concern is that it seemed like the Doctor was running with the hallucination to get an assessment done on her. As far as I know, she’s had no other hallucinations other than the one after her last fall. I don’t believe she hallucinates all the time. I was really hoping that the Doctor could have done the assessment in his office rather than send a social worker out. My mother is going to hit the roof! When he or she shows up and I might not even be able to talk to my mother ever again if she figures out I’m the one behind this.

Also, in regards to her last fall, her doctor did an MRI and told my mother she had a space in her brain that wasn’t normal, possibly white matter or lesions and recommended she follow up with a Neurologist and have a spinal tap.

But yes, I will come back here and update you on the aftermath of the social worker. Wish me luck as I’ll need it. 😬

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Reply to Walkinthesun

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Dementia. You did the right thing.

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Reply to Tiredniece23

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For heavens sakes, your mom needs to be in a facility, like right now. What are you waiting for?

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Reply to olddude

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Hopefully the social worker will say that your mother can no longer live alone . The bar is low these days though . We are in a similar situation with my husband’s mother falling all the time. She also has undiagnosed dementia . We recently tried telling the hospital unsafe discharge , but failed as my mother in law is good at promising to make changes that she never follows through on , like grab bars , using a walker etc . They felt she was “ lucid “. She showtimes well with strangers . But we know she’s not thinking straight . Her logic and reasoning and judgement is off . She went to rehab after the hospital and the social worker, whose title was “ patient representative “ there would not even return any of my husband’s calls . Mother in law had them hoodwinked also into thinking she’s fine .

Your mother is stubborn and won’t listen to you . Let the social worker come . Let anyone do whatever may get Mom removed from her home . APS is another route . It may not happen right away anyway . Like us , you may have to wait until she gets worse to place her , unless your mother is willing to go to a neurologist for diagnosis .

We live 4 hours away . We did go in person when she was in the hospital to try to tell them she’s unsafe at home .

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Reply to waytomisery

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Here is a follow up: not much to report. Social services came out and did an assessment and it’s been a month now of no help and shes fallen a few more times since. She’s supposed to be getting a bed rail, shower chair, cleaning services and meals on wheels. Today, she received a letter in the mail from one of the workers at social services stating that because she never showed up in town to fill out an application she wouldn’t be getting any help. 1) I never knew about this appointment and 2) She wouldn’t have been able to get there anyway due to her falling. Absolutely ridiculous.

Tomorrow, I will need to call this woman and find out what is going on as my mother is not a reliable source.

Thats all I have for now!

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Reply to Walkinthesun

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I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Has your mom been evaluated by a neurologist? The falls and hallucination make me wonder about Parkinson’s and/or Lewy body dementia. My mom had PD and some cognitive impairment, perhaps even full-blown dementia of some kind, but I was always doubting my own observations because a lot of the time she was lucid and stable, so I thought maybe I was overreacting. I thought I knew what dementia would look like — that she would steadily forget more and more, stop recognizing people, etc. But memory loss was never a major problem for her. It wasn’t until someone on this forum said that “if you’ve seen one person with dementia, you’ve seen one person with dementia” that I began to understand that it can manifest differently from person to person. My mom was generally quite lucid right up to her death at 85, to the degree that I sometimes feared that LTC had been the wrong choice, because she was so much more with it than some of the other residents. But looking back over the previous year or two, I could see that she — and I, to a lesser degree — had been explaining away symptoms of serious issues. She hallucinated the furniture moving in her house one day, and another time she called me terrified in the middle of the night to say that there were cat-sized animals in her house (there weren’t). These hallucinations were months apart and are common in PD, so I didn’t know how seriously to take them. But she was also struggling to understand and follow basic instructions. She was sometimes suspicious of the nursing staff at the LTC. It was tricky because she was also bipolar, and for all her life, her perceptions sometimes didn’t match reality. That made it hard to tell what was a problem and what was just her being her.

I have a feeling that if you asked yourself honestly if your mom is safe to live alone, the answer would be a hard no. She’s not going to stop falling. But a fall at home is a fall alone, whereas a fall at a facility will be addressed quickly.

Your mom will not think she needs a high level of help. She may agree that she needs new hearing aids or glasses or a walker or whatever, and if she is anything like my mom, she will not do a thing to make that happen — and if you take care of it, it still won’t matter because she won’t use them. She will absolutely not want to enter any sort of facility. But as I’ve learned from so many wise posters here, what she wants is irrelevant. It’s about what she needs, and what you need to retain any semblance of your own life. The trajectory is down. She is never going to need less than she needs at this moment, only more and more. That is the sad reality of aging. It’s not her fault and it’s not yours. Please do not feel guilty, and know that you are doing your best to make sure she has the care she needs. She may not see it that way, but it is not your job to spare her from unpleasant realities or to make her accept them.

I wish you peace and wisdom. It’s just so hard. ❤️

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Reply to knits4pixies

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What got me is that Mom fell backwards. This happens to people who suffer from Parkinsons, they fall backwards. And since she has been falling for a few years now, maybe she should be checked out for Parkinson's.

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Reply to JoAnn29

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It could be something with her brain. They found a mass in it. However, her brother is in end stage Parkinson’s right now. She supposed to see a neurologist but can no longer get out to doctor appointment’s.

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Did I do the right thing?

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