I was estranged from my Mother for 3 years. I came back into her life through a call from Adult Protective services. A neighbor had called them because a landscaper she had befriended was taking advantage of her financially.
She obviously has dementia but refuses to go to a Dr. So I have no dignoses. She hasn't seen a Dr for 7 years. She has heart and kidney issues. She gets very upset if I mention going to see a Dr. I live 5 blocks from her and I am over there daily and I take her grocery shopping weekly.
She gets verbally and physically aggressive at times. She's always been this way but it's worse now
I do have POA. I'm not sure how to handle this situation. I would like to keep her in her home as long as possible. I have no help from family members as she has pushed everyone away with prior antics ( before dementia)
Would the Agency on Aging in my town be a good resource? What other resources should I be looking at? I'm questioning myself if I am doing enough of the right things for her
Thanks
It's kind of you to help her out after the estrangement, but don't let her take over your life.
I know this because I had to start taking care of my own abusive mother a few years ago and the saga continues for me and my wife. There are periods of calm and peace until the next "bomb" goes off. Plus my mother has "allies" that come in and out her life which she manipulates and they contact me with nasty text messages,threats to become POA,etc.
My advice is that as long as you are POA be very diligent to keep accurate records of how you are handling your mother's finances. Get a filing bin and have folders for every topic.....bank statements,receipts everything. You want every last penny of hers to be accounted for so that you have nothing to be worried about. It's not a fun journey and is extremely unrewarding. In fact, the more "right" things you do for them the more they demonize you. But remember that your mother's opinion and others like your siblings or family friends opinions don't matter from a legal standpoint. The only thing that matters is facts about how you handle her finances and other affairs. In other words, the authorities are going to be on your side so long as you are handling things with integrity. Everything else is just emotional fluff and amounts to nothing!
I know you said you want to leave her at home as long as possible, but it sounds like that is no longer safe or practical.
The only other options would be in-home care — which is next to impossible to coordinate over the long term and can be difficult annd expensive even in the short term. Don’t even consider moving in with her. If you feel like the life is being sucked out of you now — that would be 100 times worse.
I personally urge you to skip over the in-home care or use it ONLY while you are figuring out where to place her. Don’t bother expecting her to agree with this idea. Don’t ask her opinion, take her on a tour, explain why it’s for the best, etc. All that would be is fodder for her to argue and resist.
Just choose one and then the day of the move, tell her you are taking her to lunch (or whatever) and then take her to it. You can tell her the house needs to be fumigated or it got condemned or something if you need an excuse to remove her. Lots of other threads about this aspect.
Good luck!!
You have been estranged. There will have been a good reason for that.
An uncooperative and undiagnosed senior is impossible to care for.
Even if you were assigned POA you do not need to take it one; however once you START using it for a demented senior you require an attorney to resign.
I would re contact APS and tell them considering her lack of cooperation and your estrangement you will not be assuming her care, and you hope she will become a ward of the state so that a state court can manage her care.
I would decline to help. This doesn't sound sustainable to me.
Whoever did it had been doing it for over a year.
I will be going to the Agency on Aging tomorrow and connect with a social worker and get some info and make an appointment with a Elder lawyer here.
She has been estranged from our entire family, her choice, her actions. The prior 3 years were very peaceful for me. I got involved 9 months ago because I felt that it was the right thing to do at the time because she is alone. We don't have a Mother Daughter relationship. I feel like the life is being sucked out of me!!!
"I would like to keep her in her home as long as possible. I have no help from family members..."
Why do you want to keep her in her home as long as possible?
Do you realize that without help (and also if she doesn't have the funds to pull this off) her care will be an increasingly heavy burden on you as her behavior deteriorates, her funds diminish, she becomes delusional, incontinent, maybe a wandering risk, even a danger to herself if left alone for any length of time -- and you spend more and more of your time orbiting around her and neglecting your own self and life.
Please read the multitude of posts on this forum from well-meaning adult children who thought it was a good idea to keep demented parents in their home. Even with other siblings helping, everyone was burning out.
You can keep her in her home if she can afford and accept in-home aids to help her. Or you are willing to risk your mental, physical and financial well-being for it.
My MIL was in AL and then LTC for 9 years and got excellent care in a faith-based facility, on Medicaid.
Even if you can't yet get her in to a doctor, I agree with Suzy23 that you need to consider changing her locks and start opening portals for her banking so you can do that remotely. You will need to go to her bank, most likely with her, and present your PoA paperwork. The bank will most likely make you joint on her account (this is how it went for me 3x).
If she is old than 65 and on Medicare, she is entitled to 1 free annual wellness exam. You can try to get her in for this (and don't mention anything about her cognitive problems as the reason). At that appointment submit your PoA paperwork at the reception desk, and discretely hand the staff a pre-written note requesting they give her a cognitive and memory exam because of the symptoms you are seeing. Try to stay in the room during all portions of that visit. Then through the portal request a written diagnosis in order to enact your PoA. This is what I did, and got. Her financial institutions will insist on having this.
Is she still driving? If so, is she a safe driver? If not, there are strategies for dealing with this as well, so come back to this post to ask about that.
Caregiving needs to accommodate the caregiver, otherwise burnout will happen. You do not need to be her only solution. Be flexible and consider other options. You need to educate yourself and go into this with your eyes wide open.
Professionals will often call these tasks ADLs and IADLs:
https://ntuchealth.sg/elderly-care/resources/health-and-wellness/activities-of-daily-living-adls-signs-a-loved-one-needs-more-help
Does she drive and is that safe?
My second question is about boundaries. You went no contact for 3 years despite living 5 blocks away. Major alarm bells here. Her personality likely has not improved and may be worse.
What kinds of things are you willing and able to do for her without compromising your own life and happiness? What amount of time are you willing /not willing to spend on her care? You wrote “am I doing enough of the right things for her”. But until the neighbor called you wanted nothing to do with her. So you went from zero hours per month to what— 5 hours per week? I have no idea what her situation is, but major crises — stroke, heart attack, falling and hurting herself with potentially major complications and recovery time, and increased dementia are all likely scenarios.
“Keeping her home as long as possible” depending on how you define “possible” can become a full time job almost overnight. My personal advice: do NOT move in with her in her home or yours, no matter what. Anyone who drove you to no contact for 3 years is too toxic to consider this.
Just a note of caution that her needs are going to increase and it could become overwhelming and more than you want or are capable of coping before you know it. So be careful before building yourself into her life as major support — especially given you felt the need for no contact for 3 years. I am sure you had good reasons. Read a lot on this board.
You could think about bringing over a geriatric social worker or geriatric care manager to assess the house for safety (and casually, your mom) by saying this is a friend of yours who really wanted to meet her. Just be sure this person doesn’t mention doctors in their first visit.
Given that she was swindled by a landscaper. I would change all the locks. And start monitoring her bank account and mail and email if you can. When my dad was developing dementia, before he was diagnosed, he started giving $100s away to whomever in cash and even more to whatever charity wrote him or called him via credit cards. Then I realized he had made some staggering financial mistakes with his retirement accounts that cost him $50K. And he canceled his Medicare advantage program without telling anyone. Many fall victim to scams. But all this can be a lot.
good luck!