I have full POA and his doctors have deemed him incapacitated. He befriended a lady in his retirement home. This lady is about his age and she's nice. She moved out of the retirement home and into an apartment offsite. A regular apartment. She has Parkinson's and hallucinates. She has a lot of problems. It's nice that he's found someone to spend time with and they get along very well. Recently, she had a hallucination that someone was harassing her in her apartment so she called 911 and went to the emergency room. She was checked out and was fine. The county assigned her a case worker because she has no one. I'm not sure what this case worker is supposed to do exactly. I was told that they would look into her finances and her medical needs, but for what, I don't know. My father very mistakenly thinks that he can care for this lady and that they can live together. He doesn't understand all her needs and issues. And he can't. He's said that he doesn't understand. The place he lives is charging him for one resident. She's not officially living with him, but has been staying with him for a little over a week. She says that she's afraid to go back to her apartment. And that she doesn't want to live with my Dad. So, now, I'm waiting to see how long she's going to be staying with him. At some point she's going to have to make a decision of where she's going to live. In the meantime, any interference from me is met with threats and anger. Even if I'm trying to help either of them. And my history with my father is that I've lost a lot of money from work and spent weeks of my life setting up several apartments for him, moving his things, setting up his computer, his cell phone, and helping him with all his medical needs etc etc. In person, he listens to me and generally is cooperative. Over the phone he's a whole other person. Very combative and threatening. It's very strange to me, but I've learned to ignore everything he says on the phone. He displays many signs of dementia. I don't know how long this lady can stay in his apartment until she's considered living with him by the retirement home's guidelines. I asked him if she was moving in and he said he didn't know. I asked why he didn't know, and he said, "It's up to her". Which is ridiculous because it's his apartment. Practically anything to do with her in the way of questions and he doesn't know. When he first met her, he said that she had a lot of money and she was buying a house. Now, all of a sudden, she doesn't want my wife or I to see her finances and says it's none of our business. She's nice about it and she is entitled to her privacy, but she seems to be living for free with my father and he doesn't understand that that's not how it works. In other words, he is vulnerable and will not ask her for money, yet will do whatever she wants. Like a child. So, I've posted about this before after she moved out. He was spending time in her apartment, but it's clear that he knows he can't do that. Now that several months have passed and she realizes that she's alone, she wants to hang out with my Dad. I'm fine with that, but she needs to pay her own way. I'm wondering what her case worker is going to do and what may happen if she refuses to leave my Dad's apartment. But, at this point, that may not be an issue. Can a case worker decide that she shouldn't live in an apartment by herself? Or do they just record everything? I wonder if I can talk to her case worker about her involvement with my father. I try to get as much info as I can and go about my life. So far, he's stayed out of trouble and has not caused me any real issues. I'm sure this lady friend of his will be ok and things will work out fine, but as soon as she starts hallucinating or he gets another infection and blacks out again, things tend to take a turn.
Your Dad is vulnerable to being taken advantage of . Place him in assisted living where he will be supervised .
You don't need to tell your Dad any of this. Work behind the scenes. If he finds out anything, play dumb and tell him it must be what his lady friend is teling her social worker. She will eventually get a court-assigned 3rd party legal guardian if she has no PoA and can't take care of herself adequately. Somehow, she needs to be made to go home at night. Maybe tell your Dad that the resident "landlords" do not allow her to stay overnight. Keep finding ways to reassign the blame.
Is your Dad in IL? I don't understand what type of "retirement home" he's living in? Is it a 55+ community? Maybe your Dad needs to move to AL level since his judgment now seems impaired.
The woman's finance are NOT any of your business. Does she not have any family? Even if they aren't her PoA, maybe see if there's anyone to be contacted.
If dad objects, then you will step in as his POA to let him know you will not permit him to have ANY ROOMMATES. He can get angry and stop speaking to you, okay fine, but as POA, YOU remain in charge of making good decisions for him since he is no longer capable of doing so. This is the purpose of having POA. The last thing dad needs is a hallucinating old woman to exacerbate his issues so the two of them are running around ranting and raving! And you, having no rights over HER, how will that work out? Like a big ball of chaos!
You can't stop them visiting duri g the day, but that's where it ends. She goes back to her apartment and dad to his place.
Please don't let the patients run things, that's when bedlam ensues.
Good luck to you.
Please go talk with the admin at his facility and tell them what is going on before you end up with a bill for her. You do not want to get involved with theft of services. (I assume it’s not independent living etc)
Your Dad has been deemed incompetent so that means your in charge. It does not matter what he wants, its what he needs. Call her caseworker and tell her the woman is having hallucinations and someone needs to get her out of his apt. She needs to go back to her apt. If she no longer feels safe in that apt maybe she needs an AL. But you would like it far from Dad. She is causing problems you don't need.
Please take your issues to the Administration of the facility that Dad is in.
It is almost NEVER allowed for others to "come and stay" in any manner whatsoever, and that almost always includes even visiting family members who have no dementia whatsoever.
This woman's issues really aren't any concern of you other than to insure that she isn't staying in your father's rooms. You father has dementia. This means it is your job to handle this in his interests and protection, and the job certain of the administration at his facility.
Once this woman is established wherever she is established by her family and her social workers she really at this point should visit only in common areas with your father, and with a bit of supervision, because it sounds as though somehow this has fallen through all the management cracks and is becoming a tad of a mess.
The good news here is that hope and love are eternal!
If this woman has a caseworker, chances are she lives off of the state in some way and has no money. My father got duped very similarly by a woman who claimed to have money until she had hi paying for everything including the housing. If she's not a scammer on the state, she would have no problem showing you her finances. Talk to the caseworker.
Then talk to the administrator of the retirement home. My guess is the rent is probably based on a person's income and this girlfriend probaby doesn't have much of one. Get the administrator involved.
When your father gets combative and verbally abusive to you on the phone, you hang up. Do not tolerate that behavior for one second. If he's giving you answers like 'it's up to her' then he really doesn't want her living with him, but he doesn't have enough of a backbone to tell her to get out. Most likely he wants you to do his dirty work and force her out. This way he can still be in a relationship with her when he wants without being the villian who forced her out. The two of them will then blame you and now you're the villian.
Make the calls and then take a step back. Your father made his bed by letting her move in with him and now he has to lay in it. This is what I had to do. My father got taken for a fortune by his scammer girlfriend. The moment my POA became active I put an end to her scamming and thieving quick. The administration of the retirement home will probably take action. The one my father was living in evicted him because you cannot just move someone in. Talk to administrator or building manager.
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