Has anyone chosen to skip doing a funeral service and celebration of life for your mother? If so, what did you do instead?

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Has anyone chosen to skip doing a funeral service and celebration of life for your mother? If so, what did you do instead?

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I really do not want to do a service when my mom passes. My family was not supportive at all and feel it will bring up hard feelings and disgust to have to see these people again. But, my mom does have brothers who might like to say their goodbyes, but I don't want anything to do with them. Thank you for any ideas on an alternative.

Care Decisions End of Life Funeral Planning Relationships

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Two years ago my mother prepaid for her own cremation. It's done and she didn't ask for my input. According to her instructions I'm not to have a family funeral and no service for her friends. That's exactly what I'm doing, and according to her wishes I'm taking her ashes to her home state in a Folger's coffee can and putting her ashes on where my dad is buried by myself.

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Reply to Jhalldenton

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My VERY narcissistic, abusive FIL had an ELABORATE plan for his funeral. All of the bells and whistles. If you can do it at a funeral, he wanted it. But he didn't pre-pay for a penny of it. He DID leave a small life insurance policy intended for that purpose.

That was kind of his final jab at both DH and my SIL. Because he knew SIL didn't have two pennies to rub together (she and her DH were financially dependent on FIL) and he made sure the life insurance policy beneficiary was just DH (as executor) - which on paper looked normal. But he fully expected DH and myself to pay for any difference between the life insurance and the balance of his very elaborate funeral (I'm talking about a full choir, several ministers, over the top flowers, over the top anything you can think of).

DH and SIL were at some point in childhood scarred for life when it came to funerals to begin with. I don't know why - but attending was terribly hard for them in general. Their mom's funeral was prepaid and pretty basic - but they struggled to greet and process -they are both very private people. Their father - not so much - the more attention on him the better.

In the end, between DH, SIL, her DH and myself - (with the agreement of the adult grands who were the only other people we were concerned with) - we decided to have FIL cremated and have a private (as in just the people listed above) memorial. Period. No extra stress on DH and SIL (who had taken YEARS of abuse from FIL) and we did it on our time.

There was ONE person who was highly offended. His sister - who was 10 hours away and hadn't laid eyes on him in person in over 10 years. She was not happy that we didn't have some huge funeral (not that she would have attended) and "honor" him properly. She hasn't talked to us since he passed. Oh well.

My point- do what you feel comfortable with. Funerals are for the living. Unless she prepaid something - then you can honor those wishes if you choose to do so - but you don't have to do a large scale funeral - that's for you to decide.

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Reply to BlueEyedGirl94

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My mother prepaid her funeral in 2018. Stupid me, I thought the $10k paid would cover the funeral she chose. It would have in 2018 but not in 2024. We had to scale back A LOT. We picked what we felt was most important. The first was having my father there which meant renting an ambulette to be available the whole time in case my father needed to go back to the NH early. The second was the spray of yellow roses on the casket. That was very important to my mother. We got rid of the funeral mass, no limousines, a one afternoon affair. It covered a priest who showed up for three minutes to mumble a few prayers. That was a waste, I could have done thst better myself. The rest covered the cremation, niche and urn. That was it. She had $200 left over which we put into my fathers funeral account. I was not about to spend anymore on it.

My father was upset that there was no viewing but my sister did not want one because her young grandkids were there. Can’t blame her for that.

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Reply to Hothouseflower

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At my late husband's visitation, we let immediate adult family members only see him in the casket. Then the casket was closed. So it was closed during his Requiem Eucharist. At the Requiem Eucharist, the priest placed a pall over the casket. and it remained in front of the altar. If a deceased person is cremated (acceptable, but burial is preferred), there is a smaller pall placed over the urn.

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Dad was a firm believer in NOT having viewing. I can understand - nothing worse than standing in line listening to the well-meaning folk say oh I intended to come see (the now deceased)'. Make the effort while still alive, if you're serious. We had a memorial service for dad - very nice but tough to go through. Memorial service for mother but I was only one left to do it. My sister wanted no funeral. There will be a memorial later where many of her friends will gather for the afternoon and play music. Times change - funerals are expensive but not mandatory unless you want to "support the industry." I did balk when asked if I wanted to be present when their ashes were buried. My response: "no thanks, I trust you to do the job correctly" (all while I'm thinking I'm not paying the $250 you wanted for the funeral director to be present if I wanted to be there.)

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Reply to JLyn69

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To me the idea of a ‘viewing’ is absolutely sick. The deceased’s face is made up to look like something they weren’t. My mother hadn’t worn lipstick in 50 years, it would have been an insult to her at the end. In the worst cases children are made to kiss the corpse. I went to a Greek funeral where it still happened. Utter Yuck!

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Reply to MargaretMcKen

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You can have a closed casket for the visitation or just let the family have a private viewing before everyone else arrives. That's what I did for my late husband. I knew that's what I'd want for him if he preseceased me. I knew that's what I wanted for any future husband of mine at about 11 years old when my grandmother died. Everyone kept saying, "Doesn't she look natural?" A cousin of mine and I walked away from her open casket and said, "No, she looks dead.'

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Traditionally none of my family has ever wanted services. My Dad did suggest we go to the local bar and hoist a mug in his honor. Odd, that, as he stopped drinking and never touched a drop after that choice.

What do we do? We meet with family and friends much as we do at any other time. We mourn in our own ways.

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Reply to AlvaDeer

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Your Dad perhaps was probably remembering when drinking was fun--in his 20s. Haha! (I waved buh-bye to alcohol 48 years ago; it wasn't fun anymore.)

Being no fan of organized religion, I've specifically directed "NO services of any kind". We prepaid for our cremations 25 years ago. The family can do whatever it wishes with the ashes--scatter at sea or in the mountains somewhere would be my vote. If I were younger--and we hadn't prepaid-- I might look into the new "aquamation" or "dust back to dust" arrangements.

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I think COVID showed us that funerals can be whatever you want. One of the nice ones I was to was where the person had been cremated and it was in our Church. The urn was beautiful. It sat inside a beautiful wreath. After he was viewed, we were asked to join the family in the Hall for a buffet. The food was catered and the ladies of the Church made desert.

I have told my girls I want no viewing. No service. They can take some of the inheritance and have a nice dinner on me. You can have a viewing then a graveside service. Then have a nice luncheon with immediate family you want there.

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Reply to JoAnn29

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We won’t be doing one. Mother doesn’t seem to care. Besides, There are only three people in the entire world outside of my family that she even talks to, one of whom lives elsewhere and is too ill to travel. No reason to go through all that. Given my lifetime of hard relationship with her…. I just can’t. I did manage to write an obit of sorts that her close friends might appreciate. I could send that to them . Maybe.

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Reply to Oedgar23

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Usually one follows the deceased’s last wishes. If she wants a funeral, you can follow her wishes and just not go. There is no law that says you need to show up.

Im not planning on going to my father’s. There is no longer any reason to do so for me.

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Reply to Hothouseflower

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I had an Aunt who was never married and had no kids but helped raise me with my Mom and 1 other sister. When she passed she was cremated. She had many nieces and nephews and their kids who she loved who regularly visited her in FL up until her passing at 100 and we alway went to "our" beach. We waded into the water on a beautiful day in an area where there were no people and discretely released her ashes from one of her large conch shells along with flowers from her garden and let the waters carry her out and settle into the sands. We sang and shared memories. That's what my last wishes are as well.

So maybe your Mom had a favorite place or activity that you can organize by invitation only. But I agree to start hinting to people that there won't be a public service so the time to visit her is now.

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Reply to Geaton777

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If people want to say their "good-bye's" the time to do it is before the person dies.
If they can come now great. Let them know that there will be no service for mom that she will be cremated or the burial will be private. If they can not make it before she dies (and you want them there) then tell them that the burial will be on xx/x/xx at 10:30 at the cemetery. Tell them that it will be simply a burial and nothing more.

You don't have to do anything.
If this is a cremation the body can be picked up, and cremated and you will go pick up ashes when you want to.
If you want a burial the same process can be done. You just have to pre arrange everything and pay for everything and it will be done the way you want it. Trust me you are not the only one that they funeral home has had to deal with family drama they know how to handle things.

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Reply to Grandma1954

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I agree with you and Uarew6, the time to see people is when there alive. When the time comes I'm not sure if I will go to moms funeral or what ever my brother decides to do, sence I will have no control.

I see her plenty now, and she will be gone and won't need me anymore. I want for nothing from the house or inheritance. I will decide when the time comes and how I feel and how things are with siblings.

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My father used to say, "If you can't visit when I'm alive, don't bother coming to my funeral." He said the same about gifts and flowers. My mother has said the same thing so it has been arranged for her to have private graveside rites, as much is allowed in a Veteran's cemetery. It will also be stated in her obituary. I may even hold off putting the obit in the local newspaper until that day is passed. There will be no "funeral feed" afterwards. Maybe my children and their spouses will decide to get a bite to eat; it will be only us. Like you, I have no gumption to have a bunch of relatives standing around saying how much they loved my mother and how they are going to miss her. I think with the flowers there will only be a flower blanket (I think that's what they are called.) covering her casket. That will be there mostly for me.

As far as the ones "who might like to say their goodbyes" it may be nice for you to personally invite them.

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Reply to uarew6

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The services given at Vet cemeteries are very nice. My experience was my in-laws services at a National Cemetery. We provided the Minister and the VA did the rest. The VA provides the plaque.

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You can set up a graveside service and let them know where and when .
You can either attend or not attend .

If you set up a service and you will not be attending , let whoever is running the service know not to wait for you.
If you attend leave as soon as it’s over .

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Reply to waytomisery

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The absolute basics (here at least) are that the crematorium collects the body and goes ahead with the cremation, you get given a date to pick up the ashes, you go and collect them and you decide what to do with them. Here we are next to the sea, and it’s often off the end of a jetty. That of course assumes that you have the ‘right’ to decide. It’s over before there’s any discussion, and when you are asked you just say that M was cremated and her ashes were scattered, as she wished.

If you want, you could tell the other family members that it’s what you are planning to do (‘agreed with M’ – even if you just talk it to her while she’s asleep). If anyone else wants to take total responsibility for organising something else, you are willing (if you are) for them to take over, but you won’t be attending because it’s not what you arranged with M. If you want to be a bit more ‘helpful’, here it’s quite common for very close family to be there on the jetty for the scattering. There’s a limit to how hypercritical it can get when people are outside in a public place, particularly if it’s windy and raining.

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Reply to MargaretMcKen

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This is an interesting topic, times are changing and people are doing things alot different, sometimes.

My neighbor, he was a long standing part of are community, I was surprised he wanted nothing, that was his wishes.

Actually I've talked to my husband, he is a vet and i will do the national cemetery and the guns going off , for him but Im not doing the church stuff.

I think you need to do what's best for you. You could have a little grave side ceremony for your uncle's , they actually may need that closure. Something that only last 15 minutes for the uncles, and short and sweet if your siblings show. Also being outside would be better than in a closed church

Has anyone chosen to skip doing a funeral service and celebration of life for your mother? If so, what did you do instead?

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