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My mom was 81 with a poor health problem, kidney failure, addison's disease, High BP, diabetes. She fell and had a traumatic brain injury and after that she delopement heart failure, there was nothing much to do for her. I took her home under hospice care and she passed away peaceful 8 days after, my concern is about my siblings are upset with me about why mom die so fast? Why, why. I was her POA and her caregiver. What should I do ? Their blaming is making me so upset?
I find it Interesting the People who did No caretaking Blame the primary caregiver who did all the work . I would ask Hospice for a social worker and a grief counselor so you can discuss your feelings . And when they say these Ignorant things to you say " Stop Blaming me and take a good look In the Mirror . "
Your siblings are having a hard time accepting her death. Your mom didn't die because of something you did or didn't do. She died because she had: Kidney failure, Addison's disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, a traumatic brain injury, and heart failure. In short, most of her organs were dying or non-functional. Her poor body just gave out on her. Explain that to your siblings. With all that was wrong with her, 8 days at home in the presence of a loving caretaker was a gift. She was spared months bedbound and all that comes with it, such as repeated UTIs, pressure sores, etc.
Your mother was a very ill woman. You gave her care. You saw to her medical needs. You have given us a full statement of what happened to her.
To be honest THEY HAVE THEIR NERVE! How involved were they with her on a daily basis to see what was happening, to hear the diagnosis and the prognosis. I think they are feeling guilty and perhaps even greedy if they think that there is something to be had.
This cannot possibly be the first time you had a clue that these people are reprehensible, I would think. I would block their calls and refuse to speak with them. I hope that you aren't having services they can attend. IF you are, and if you have any friend or family member to be there in your defense, please do so. If you have no one (caregivers often lose touch) then please speak to the facility where services are being held and provided whether that is funeral director or pastor, and have them at your side for your defense.
Heart failure means JUST THAT. It means her aging heart could no longer stand against the onslaught of disease (Addisons is very tough) and injury.
I am so sorry. I can only say that this so often happens to the loving and the good. If you are a person of faith from a faith community please see, speak to, lean on your pastor. I am not a believer. More and more I feel the loss of the community that believers have to help them stand against evil when they are weakened. It is a loss to my life, but something I cannot change.
My heart goes out to you. I wish I could stand with you and level them when they start. SHAME ON THEM. SHAME ON THEM. SHAME ON THEM. Wish I could hug the Hades out of you! Tynagh may be right that they are reacting out of shock. But to me they simply are not very good people.
I'm so sorry about your mom. You took care of her in her time of need and have nothing to feel guilty about.
Any one of her health conditions could've taken her life much sooner. The fact that she lived 81 years is a testament to the love and care you've given her.
Your siblings blaming you is actually their own misplaced guilt for not doing more to help you or your mom. They feel the guilt, but they can't handle it, so they try to deflect it onto you. That shows a lack of character on their part.
The fact that you mom appointed you as POA speaks volumes for your character and the trust she put in you.
Your siblings are wondering why mom died so fast. Tell them it is not unusual. In my opinion, it is God's mercy, grace, and kindness, both for the person who is dying and the family.
Our car was packed and ready for us to go away a few days on Sept. 8 when my husband said he thought he might need to go to the ER. His kidneys failed while in the hospital and he came home on hospice. He was too difficult at home (dementia) and had to be moved to a hospice house. He died Sept. 19 after one week of hospice care. It was quicker than we expected but I am so glad he didn't linger.
Your siblings needs to come to peace with your mom's passing and not put a burden of guilt on you. As for you, treasure your mom's memory and move forward in life. You can't help your siblings, it is their journey, but you can take care of yourself.
Only God is responsible for when we die. And your siblings should be grateful to Him that their dear moms suffering was spared by such a hasty trip to heaven after a TBI. What a blessing! You were a loving and attentive daughter to your mom. Keep that thought uppermost in your mind. Your siblings are out of line.
I’m sorry for both the loss of your beloved mother and your pain in all that’s happening in the aftermath. Your mother passed exactly when she was meant to, and nothing you did or didn’t do had anything to do with it. Don’t listen to another word of criticism about it. Your mom had multiple health issues that added up to just be too much, no one’s fault. She was blessed to have you in her corner caring for her. Your siblings are likely hurting too, but that doesn’t excuse the lashing out. Take a break from them until they’re ready to be reasonable and heal. I wish you healing and peace
Omg you really made my day, i was blessed to be by mom's side when she passed, but this is a horrible feeling that afterwards everything I did for mom they looked at me like I'm the killer
You sacrificed to care for her and they are blaming you? I might tell them you would have very much welcomed them to help you care for her if they thought you were not doing a good job (not saying you were not doing a good job)
I know its easy to say, but its terrible that they are blaming you. But also, you have to learn to not be so upset by very selfish people.
It is so much easier to grieve if you can blame someone. As a matter of fact it is one of the "Stages" Denial Anger Bargaining Depression Acceptance Hospice should offer a Bereavement program or a person that you can talk to. This would be available to any family member.
Try not to let their anger upset you. And I know that is hard. You did the right thing. 8 days is not a lot of time to process what is happening so to have that happen is a short period of time makes it more difficult.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You gave her care.
You saw to her medical needs.
You have given us a full statement of what happened to her.
To be honest THEY HAVE THEIR NERVE! How involved were they with her on a daily basis to see what was happening, to hear the diagnosis and the prognosis.
I think they are feeling guilty and perhaps even greedy if they think that there is something to be had.
This cannot possibly be the first time you had a clue that these people are reprehensible, I would think. I would block their calls and refuse to speak with them. I hope that you aren't having services they can attend. IF you are, and if you have any friend or family member to be there in your defense, please do so. If you have no one (caregivers often lose touch) then please speak to the facility where services are being held and provided whether that is funeral director or pastor, and have them at your side for your defense.
Heart failure means JUST THAT. It means her aging heart could no longer stand against the onslaught of disease (Addisons is very tough) and injury.
I am so sorry. I can only say that this so often happens to the loving and the good. If you are a person of faith from a faith community please see, speak to, lean on your pastor. I am not a believer. More and more I feel the loss of the community that believers have to help them stand against evil when they are weakened. It is a loss to my life, but something I cannot change.
My heart goes out to you. I wish I could stand with you and level them when they start. SHAME ON THEM. SHAME ON THEM. SHAME ON THEM.
Wish I could hug the Hades out of you! Tynagh may be right that they are reacting out of shock. But to me they simply are not very good people.
Any one of her health conditions could've taken her life much sooner. The fact that she lived 81 years is a testament to the love and care you've given her.
Your siblings blaming you is actually their own misplaced guilt for not doing more to help you or your mom. They feel the guilt, but they can't handle it, so they try to deflect it onto you. That shows a lack of character on their part.
The fact that you mom appointed you as POA speaks volumes for your character and the trust she put in you.
Our car was packed and ready for us to go away a few days on Sept. 8 when my husband said he thought he might need to go to the ER. His kidneys failed while in the hospital and he came home on hospice. He was too difficult at home (dementia) and had to be moved to a hospice house. He died Sept. 19 after one week of hospice care. It was quicker than we expected but I am so glad he didn't linger.
Your siblings needs to come to peace with your mom's passing and not put a burden of guilt on you. As for you, treasure your mom's memory and move forward in life. You can't help your siblings, it is their journey, but you can take care of yourself.
My condolences on the loss of your dear mom.
So many of our loved ones on this forum linger for years in dementias, painful suffering, or both.
In their grief, your siblings are thinking about only themselves, and not their mother who was given the gift of a speedy passing.
You did a great job getting her the care she needed in her last days.
I know its easy to say, but its terrible that they are blaming you. But also, you have to learn to not be so upset by very selfish people.
As a matter of fact it is one of the "Stages"
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Hospice should offer a Bereavement program or a person that you can talk to. This would be available to any family member.
Try not to let their anger upset you. And I know that is hard. You did the right thing. 8 days is not a lot of time to process what is happening so to have that happen is a short period of time makes it more difficult.
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