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My mom was 81 with a poor health problem, kidney failure, addison's disease, High BP, diabetes. She fell and had a traumatic brain injury and after that she delopement heart failure, there was nothing much to do for her. I took her home under hospice care and she passed away peaceful 8 days after, my concern is about my siblings are upset with me about why mom die so fast? Why, why. I was her POA and her caregiver. What should I do ? Their blaming is making me so upset?
Go no contact with your sister and stop discussing this with her. Don’t JADE: justify argue defend or explain anything to her because she doesn’t deserve the conversations.
The fall will do it. Many times, medically complex elders are hanging on because everything is balanced, but one thing like a fall happens and their entire house of cards collapses.
Tell your siblings to ask God why she died after living a long life and also having medically complex issues.
I’m guessing your family is in a bit of denial with their grief, because they can’t be that thick. Your mom had 4 chronic diseases and a TBI.
Candy, Please see a good cognitive therapist. Because when you say "how can I control these thoughts" you are exactly right. A cognitive therapist is there to teach the tricks of control over a roiling mind. You already KNOW logically that what you feel about Sister's complaints doesn't really make good sense. Now you need a way to have Confused-Candy be able to speak with Real-Candy, and be able to say "OK, there's that silly thought again; something to torture myself with. But I already know the truth of this. So I will let this thought have its 15 minutes of fame, and then I will get on with the day". Part of what you are feeling is relief. That is GOOD and FINE and NORMAL in a healthy mind, to be relieved that there is death. That its finality means no more fear, no more suffering over what might come, no more anxiety. But a part of the mind will rebel against that feeling of relief and will try to put its foot in the door with "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, you're OK? What kind of PERSON are you!"
So it is our minds. Always busy. At some point we move on with life, but it takes a while. I made a notebook where I collaged notes and letter to my bro after he died. We had always written one another long letter when we were apart. And I told him how I felt, where I was confused, what I missed, what I SHOULD have said. And told him about the woodpecker and the ravens. Just talked to him as I would. I kept that for about a year, and it was a great help to me.
You know Sister well. Keep contact minimal. Have ready excuses to get off the phone. "Whoops, Jeremy (the cat, the kid, the dog) just vomited on the new sofa. Gotta go". Make up a ton of them. Keep them handy. Train her like Pavlov's mice, to know if she goes there, you will GO as well.
Just saw your update. Please know your sister is just being cruel for reasons you may never understand. You desperately need to disregard her comments and never listen to another word of her negativity. You did your best for your mom, she died from causes beyond your or anyone’s control. Please seek grief counseling, a GriefShare group, or therapy to help you better cope. It’s normal to grieve and be sad, but these crushing thoughts are not, and it’s time to get real help to move forward in peace. I wish you well
I went to visit mom at the cementary yesterday in her first month of loosing her. I don't know why I still feel so down and finding myself questioning sometimes if I did the right thing? My sister is the one who is giving me more hard time because mom was in hospice until she passed. I was with mom at the hospital since her fall and I knew and saw that mom didn't have any hope to survived at her big TBI with all her complications. My sister wasn't presented, she was on vacation, but her blames and accusations are really killing me... How I can control this thoughts that are making me so sad, all I did was took care of mom until her last breath, I wish mom could be alive, please any help there? Thank you
Candy, STOP entertaining the crap your sister has put in your head. She is a liar and you have nothing to feel bad about except you lost your mom.
When these thoughts start, turn them off by telling yourself the truth. Your mom wasn't going to live because she was sick and injured unto death. Doctors do NOT put people on hospice that can be saved.
Do you really think a bed bound, drolling, comatose shell would have been better then her spirit being released? Just because your idiot sister does, doesn't mean you need to buy into that lie.
I am so sorry for your mom's passing and for you being wrongfully blamed by sisters. You don't have to listen to their accusations. You have done nothing wrong. Please protect yourself and keep contact to a minimum. I totally understand not going to your mom's burial. I didn't either b/c of my sister.
My deepest sympathies on your loss. I doubt that there is anything you can do to change them. Just look after yourself. (((((hugs))))
Today was finally mom's burial, I didn't go because I decided to keep distance from my sister after all the accusations she did. I found out that in mom's death certificate showed that the cause of mom's death was the TBI, I hope my sister find peace in her heart and find help after she blamed me so bad about i killer mom 💔
She probably had a brain bleed. You usually don't survive them. My daughter is an RN and will tell you "they will fall". She had a resident in a wheelchair. Was right near her, turn for a second to do something, the resident stood up and fell out of the chair. Falls happen.
Well, it could not be because Mom had kidney failure, addisons, diabetes, heart failure and a head injury. To be honest, the fall probably excelerated her passing. As they say, they are good until they are not. A fall for a lot of elderly can be the beginning of the end. Hospice excepted her because she was dying.
"it's my sister who was on vacation and refused to come home knowing about mom situation. " there it is, Sis is feeling guilty and laying it on you. I may say that too. "You feel guilty because you did not believe me." Its not your fault Mom died. Nothing you did or did not do caused her death. Her body was shutting down little by little.
So sorry for your loss and wish you peace as you navigate your grief. If your siblings want to play the blame game, ignore them. You did nothing wrong.
It was your mother’s time. If she was on hospice she was terminally ill. At least she did not have to endure prolonged suffering. (((Hugs)))
Candy, your worries might be making you not look at the big picture. I doubt sister will find any lawyer to open a case on a dead person on hospice. After all a doctor put her on because she had less than a few months to live. Second, does your sister have deep pockets to pay legal for a lost cause? I recommend for your peace of mind to go Grey Rock on these viscious people and block them of sll communication.
I told them many times after I found out that there was nothing else to did for mom, they new about hospice, it's my sister who was on vacation and refused to come home knowing about mom situation. Now she blame in me and talks about sue me, Hospice was the best decision for mom she left in a a beautiful peaceful way, but my sister keep insisted that mom should be alive
You sacrificed to care for her and they are blaming you? I might tell them you would have very much welcomed them to help you care for her if they thought you were not doing a good job (not saying you were not doing a good job)
I know its easy to say, but its terrible that they are blaming you. But also, you have to learn to not be so upset by very selfish people.
Only God is responsible for when we die. And your siblings should be grateful to Him that their dear moms suffering was spared by such a hasty trip to heaven after a TBI. What a blessing! You were a loving and attentive daughter to your mom. Keep that thought uppermost in your mind. Your siblings are out of line.
New updates, today I was absolutely destroying when my sister who was in vacation by the time mom passed and doesn't wanted to take responsibility of it keet talking about the medication hospice provided for keep my mom comfortable, she saying that she wasn't agreed with that, but she came home day before mom's passed
Candy, you have to let that go. Your sister is suffering the loss of her mom too, and cannot accept it so she lashes out at anyone she can. Pathetic that she would choose to bash you for all you have done. She needs help - but it's up to her to seek it - please don't bother to help her find it - it would only make her worse to suggest she seek such help. Move on with your life. Block calls, etc. if you have to.
Candy, I am so sorry for your loss. May The Lord give you grieving mercies, strength, guidance and comfort during this difficult time.
Perhaps your siblings need to look at moms health prior to her catastrophic fall, she had diseases that were killing her, she did not die suddenly, only her end was quick, whick was a blessing for her.
Know that you did nothing wrong and that your mom was blessed that you held her hand as she left this world.
If you have to, block the sister that chose vacation over mom, she is not coping with her choice and trying to make you responsible for her consequences, you are not.
It is so much easier to grieve if you can blame someone. As a matter of fact it is one of the "Stages" Denial Anger Bargaining Depression Acceptance Hospice should offer a Bereavement program or a person that you can talk to. This would be available to any family member.
Try not to let their anger upset you. And I know that is hard. You did the right thing. 8 days is not a lot of time to process what is happening so to have that happen is a short period of time makes it more difficult.
Your siblings are wondering why mom died so fast. Tell them it is not unusual. In my opinion, it is God's mercy, grace, and kindness, both for the person who is dying and the family.
Our car was packed and ready for us to go away a few days on Sept. 8 when my husband said he thought he might need to go to the ER. His kidneys failed while in the hospital and he came home on hospice. He was too difficult at home (dementia) and had to be moved to a hospice house. He died Sept. 19 after one week of hospice care. It was quicker than we expected but I am so glad he didn't linger.
Your siblings needs to come to peace with your mom's passing and not put a burden of guilt on you. As for you, treasure your mom's memory and move forward in life. You can't help your siblings, it is their journey, but you can take care of yourself.
I find it Interesting the People who did No caretaking Blame the primary caregiver who did all the work . I would ask Hospice for a social worker and a grief counselor so you can discuss your feelings . And when they say these Ignorant things to you say " Stop Blaming me and take a good look In the Mirror . "
Your mother was a very ill woman. You gave her care. You saw to her medical needs. You have given us a full statement of what happened to her.
To be honest THEY HAVE THEIR NERVE! How involved were they with her on a daily basis to see what was happening, to hear the diagnosis and the prognosis. I think they are feeling guilty and perhaps even greedy if they think that there is something to be had.
This cannot possibly be the first time you had a clue that these people are reprehensible, I would think. I would block their calls and refuse to speak with them. I hope that you aren't having services they can attend. IF you are, and if you have any friend or family member to be there in your defense, please do so. If you have no one (caregivers often lose touch) then please speak to the facility where services are being held and provided whether that is funeral director or pastor, and have them at your side for your defense.
Heart failure means JUST THAT. It means her aging heart could no longer stand against the onslaught of disease (Addisons is very tough) and injury.
I am so sorry. I can only say that this so often happens to the loving and the good. If you are a person of faith from a faith community please see, speak to, lean on your pastor. I am not a believer. More and more I feel the loss of the community that believers have to help them stand against evil when they are weakened. It is a loss to my life, but something I cannot change.
My heart goes out to you. I wish I could stand with you and level them when they start. SHAME ON THEM. SHAME ON THEM. SHAME ON THEM. Wish I could hug the Hades out of you! Tynagh may be right that they are reacting out of shock. But to me they simply are not very good people.
Your siblings are having a hard time accepting her death. Your mom didn't die because of something you did or didn't do. She died because she had: Kidney failure, Addison's disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, a traumatic brain injury, and heart failure. In short, most of her organs were dying or non-functional. Her poor body just gave out on her. Explain that to your siblings. With all that was wrong with her, 8 days at home in the presence of a loving caretaker was a gift. She was spared months bedbound and all that comes with it, such as repeated UTIs, pressure sores, etc.
I'm so sorry about your mom. You took care of her in her time of need and have nothing to feel guilty about.
Any one of her health conditions could've taken her life much sooner. The fact that she lived 81 years is a testament to the love and care you've given her.
Your siblings blaming you is actually their own misplaced guilt for not doing more to help you or your mom. They feel the guilt, but they can't handle it, so they try to deflect it onto you. That shows a lack of character on their part.
The fact that you mom appointed you as POA speaks volumes for your character and the trust she put in you.
I’m sorry for both the loss of your beloved mother and your pain in all that’s happening in the aftermath. Your mother passed exactly when she was meant to, and nothing you did or didn’t do had anything to do with it. Don’t listen to another word of criticism about it. Your mom had multiple health issues that added up to just be too much, no one’s fault. She was blessed to have you in her corner caring for her. Your siblings are likely hurting too, but that doesn’t excuse the lashing out. Take a break from them until they’re ready to be reasonable and heal. I wish you healing and peace
Omg you really made my day, i was blessed to be by mom's side when she passed, but this is a horrible feeling that afterwards everything I did for mom they looked at me like I'm the killer
Grief is such a personal journey and all your family is now grieving. Most tragic is the need for some to find blame. I would tell your siblings to reach out to Hospice grief counselors (and you also if you haven't yet) to process thier grief. They do have wonderful services for personal grieving.
I hope you have reached out to grief counselors also. Please express what you have posted. They are there to help you grief and regain your self during this very difficult time.
In the meantime you may need to limit your interactions with those that insist on finding fault with a truly no fault situation. And tell them Death is not on a timeline and no one should feel or project a sense of shame for something beyond their control.
Thank you so much for your kind words, I'm getting help from hospice, but still bothering me so much. My sister was on vacation when all this happened, she came back the day before mom's passed even though I let her know about mom situation. I don't have any regrets i did what I could to give mom a comfort, she is the one who is more upset with me and keep saying that I killed mom :(
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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Hospice should have some free grief counseling available for you.
I'm sorry for your loss and the ridiculous demands of your sister.
Tell your siblings to ask God why she died after living a long life and also having medically complex issues.
I’m guessing your family is in a bit of denial with their grief, because they can’t be that thick. Your mom had 4 chronic diseases and a TBI.
Please see a good cognitive therapist.
Because when you say "how can I control these thoughts" you are exactly right. A cognitive therapist is there to teach the tricks of control over a roiling mind.
You already KNOW logically that what you feel about Sister's complaints doesn't really make good sense. Now you need a way to have Confused-Candy be able to speak with Real-Candy, and be able to say "OK, there's that silly thought again; something to torture myself with. But I already know the truth of this. So I will let this thought have its 15 minutes of fame, and then I will get on with the day".
Part of what you are feeling is relief. That is GOOD and FINE and NORMAL in a healthy mind, to be relieved that there is death. That its finality means no more fear, no more suffering over what might come, no more anxiety. But a part of the mind will rebel against that feeling of relief and will try to put its foot in the door with "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, you're OK? What kind of PERSON are you!"
So it is our minds. Always busy. At some point we move on with life, but it takes a while. I made a notebook where I collaged notes and letter to my bro after he died. We had always written one another long letter when we were apart. And I told him how I felt, where I was confused, what I missed, what I SHOULD have said. And told him about the woodpecker and the ravens. Just talked to him as I would. I kept that for about a year, and it was a great help to me.
You know Sister well. Keep contact minimal. Have ready excuses to get off the phone.
"Whoops, Jeremy (the cat, the kid, the dog) just vomited on the new sofa. Gotta go". Make up a ton of them. Keep them handy. Train her like Pavlov's mice, to know if she goes there, you will GO as well.
Good luck. Thanks for the update.
As soon as you are cognitive they are there, you shut them down.
Entertaining lies is self destructive and should not be encouraged.
How I can control this thoughts that are making me so sad, all I did was took care of mom until her last breath, I wish mom could be alive, please any help there? Thank you
When these thoughts start, turn them off by telling yourself the truth. Your mom wasn't going to live because she was sick and injured unto death. Doctors do NOT put people on hospice that can be saved.
Do you really think a bed bound, drolling, comatose shell would have been better then her spirit being released? Just because your idiot sister does, doesn't mean you need to buy into that lie.
My deepest sympathies on your loss. I doubt that there is anything you can do to change them. Just look after yourself. (((((hugs))))
"it's my sister who was on vacation and refused to come home knowing about mom situation. " there it is, Sis is feeling guilty and laying it on you. I may say that too. "You feel guilty because you did not believe me." Its not your fault Mom died. Nothing you did or did not do caused her death. Her body was shutting down little by little.
It was your mother’s time. If she was on hospice she was terminally ill. At least she did not have to endure prolonged suffering. (((Hugs)))
I recommend for your peace of mind to go Grey Rock on these viscious people and block them of sll communication.
If she has gone down that road you should not be speaking to her or say anything to anyone that will tell her.
I am so sorry you have lost your sister because you lost your mom.
I know its easy to say, but its terrible that they are blaming you. But also, you have to learn to not be so upset by very selfish people.
My condolences on the loss of your dear mom.
I am so sorry for your loss. Mom had a lot of diseases and she passed quickly. The timing was out of your control.
Know that you did everything you could to make Mom comfortable. You also kept your siblings informed regarding status.
Again, I am very sorry for your loss.
Perhaps your siblings need to look at moms health prior to her catastrophic fall, she had diseases that were killing her, she did not die suddenly, only her end was quick, whick was a blessing for her.
Know that you did nothing wrong and that your mom was blessed that you held her hand as she left this world.
If you have to, block the sister that chose vacation over mom, she is not coping with her choice and trying to make you responsible for her consequences, you are not.
As a matter of fact it is one of the "Stages"
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Hospice should offer a Bereavement program or a person that you can talk to. This would be available to any family member.
Try not to let their anger upset you. And I know that is hard. You did the right thing. 8 days is not a lot of time to process what is happening so to have that happen is a short period of time makes it more difficult.
Our car was packed and ready for us to go away a few days on Sept. 8 when my husband said he thought he might need to go to the ER. His kidneys failed while in the hospital and he came home on hospice. He was too difficult at home (dementia) and had to be moved to a hospice house. He died Sept. 19 after one week of hospice care. It was quicker than we expected but I am so glad he didn't linger.
Your siblings needs to come to peace with your mom's passing and not put a burden of guilt on you. As for you, treasure your mom's memory and move forward in life. You can't help your siblings, it is their journey, but you can take care of yourself.
You gave her care.
You saw to her medical needs.
You have given us a full statement of what happened to her.
To be honest THEY HAVE THEIR NERVE! How involved were they with her on a daily basis to see what was happening, to hear the diagnosis and the prognosis.
I think they are feeling guilty and perhaps even greedy if they think that there is something to be had.
This cannot possibly be the first time you had a clue that these people are reprehensible, I would think. I would block their calls and refuse to speak with them. I hope that you aren't having services they can attend. IF you are, and if you have any friend or family member to be there in your defense, please do so. If you have no one (caregivers often lose touch) then please speak to the facility where services are being held and provided whether that is funeral director or pastor, and have them at your side for your defense.
Heart failure means JUST THAT. It means her aging heart could no longer stand against the onslaught of disease (Addisons is very tough) and injury.
I am so sorry. I can only say that this so often happens to the loving and the good. If you are a person of faith from a faith community please see, speak to, lean on your pastor. I am not a believer. More and more I feel the loss of the community that believers have to help them stand against evil when they are weakened. It is a loss to my life, but something I cannot change.
My heart goes out to you. I wish I could stand with you and level them when they start. SHAME ON THEM. SHAME ON THEM. SHAME ON THEM.
Wish I could hug the Hades out of you! Tynagh may be right that they are reacting out of shock. But to me they simply are not very good people.
So many of our loved ones on this forum linger for years in dementias, painful suffering, or both.
In their grief, your siblings are thinking about only themselves, and not their mother who was given the gift of a speedy passing.
You did a great job getting her the care she needed in her last days.
Any one of her health conditions could've taken her life much sooner. The fact that she lived 81 years is a testament to the love and care you've given her.
Your siblings blaming you is actually their own misplaced guilt for not doing more to help you or your mom. They feel the guilt, but they can't handle it, so they try to deflect it onto you. That shows a lack of character on their part.
The fact that you mom appointed you as POA speaks volumes for your character and the trust she put in you.
Grief is such a personal journey and all your family is now grieving. Most tragic is the need for some to find blame. I would tell your siblings to reach out to Hospice grief counselors (and you also if you haven't yet) to process thier grief. They do have wonderful services for personal grieving.
I hope you have reached out to grief counselors also. Please express what you have posted. They are there to help you grief and regain your self during this very difficult time.
In the meantime you may need to limit your interactions with those that insist on finding fault with a truly no fault situation. And tell them Death is not on a timeline and no one should feel or project a sense of shame for something beyond their control.