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You are NTA but this isn't Reddit. Did you not know, when you married, that dh would be out of town 6 days a week and his mother would be living in "his house"? Is this house not yours too? Did you not agree to care for her? This post is confusing to me. While I don't feel it's your "job" to care for MIL, I also don't feel this hit you out of left field and you were gobsmacked with the chore. If you feel you cannot do thus anymore, fair enough, I sure couldn't and wouldn't. Speak to your dh on Sunday and let him know your true feelings.

My condolences on the loss of your father. Best of luck making your feelings understood.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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This would be a deal-breaker for me.

I would be giving notice and telling MIL's family that you can no longer do in-home care, and that in two weeks you will be leaving to visit your own mother for an unspecified period.

One wise caregiver from this board said "As long as YOU are the solution, they are never going to even bother to LOOK for another one".

This would allow your MIL's family to get a taste of the real picture of what is going on.

Your MIL is NOT your responsibility unless you agreed and signed a POA for her to be your responsibility. Being POA does not mean you are required to provide hands-on caregiving. It does mean it is your responsibility to make sure she is safe and cared for appropriately and that her finances are protected and managed in a way that benefits her.

Before my husband and I married, we both agreed that no parents or relatives would live with us long term.
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Reply to Dogwood63
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So this is what you do. Tomorrow is Friday. Let tomorrow be the last day you are "tied" to your MIL. Tell your husband that you need to go see your mother, you'll be staying with your mother for at least a couple of weeks, and he and "the family" need to make arrangements for his mother pronto.

If you're willing to leave your marriage over this then you should be willing to give your husband and "the family" a swift reality check. That would be the same reality check they would get if something suddenly happened to you e.g. your appendix burst and you need emergency surgery.

You aren't the one being the a**.
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Reply to NYDaughterInLaw
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Welcome, Mel!

Other's expectations do NOT create a "must" for you.

What does your husband think about this situation? Have you discussed it with him?

I wouldn't focus on the "depressing and difficult" part; your MIL needs a higher level of care than one person can provide at home. She needs 24/7 monitoring and a controlled environment. One person cannot provide that. It takes a facility.

You can leave, you can start looking for a facility for MIL yourself (who has POA and what are her finances like?) or you can say that your mother is urgently in need to assistance and go to her for some indefinite amount of time, telling MIL's family that they'll need to provide care.

You might be amazed at how quickly they suddenly "get" what her real needs are.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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