My husband is away working in the forestry sector Sunday through Friday every week. His mother lives in his house with us. She has dementia, and it has been getting worse. She is demanding and petulant and doing things she shouldn’t be doing, like turning on the stove at night or climbing up on stools and hiding things.
The family naturally expects that I will stay there taking care of her 24/7 - they don’t understand how depressing and difficult it is for me. Now my own father has recently died and my mother is alone. I want to be able to spend time with her through the week, but I am tied to MIL. Her doctors feel she should be in assisted living, but the family doesn’t want that. I am about to leave my marriage over this, because I can’t do this anymore. Am I being an unreasonable?
My condolences on the loss of your father. Best of luck making your feelings understood.
I would be giving notice and telling MIL's family that you can no longer do in-home care, and that in two weeks you will be leaving to visit your own mother for an unspecified period.
One wise caregiver from this board said "As long as YOU are the solution, they are never going to even bother to LOOK for another one".
This would allow your MIL's family to get a taste of the real picture of what is going on.
Your MIL is NOT your responsibility unless you agreed and signed a POA for her to be your responsibility. Being POA does not mean you are required to provide hands-on caregiving. It does mean it is your responsibility to make sure she is safe and cared for appropriately and that her finances are protected and managed in a way that benefits her.
Before my husband and I married, we both agreed that no parents or relatives would live with us long term.
If you're willing to leave your marriage over this then you should be willing to give your husband and "the family" a swift reality check. That would be the same reality check they would get if something suddenly happened to you e.g. your appendix burst and you need emergency surgery.
You aren't the one being the a**.
Other's expectations do NOT create a "must" for you.
What does your husband think about this situation? Have you discussed it with him?
I wouldn't focus on the "depressing and difficult" part; your MIL needs a higher level of care than one person can provide at home. She needs 24/7 monitoring and a controlled environment. One person cannot provide that. It takes a facility.
You can leave, you can start looking for a facility for MIL yourself (who has POA and what are her finances like?) or you can say that your mother is urgently in need to assistance and go to her for some indefinite amount of time, telling MIL's family that they'll need to provide care.
You might be amazed at how quickly they suddenly "get" what her real needs are.