I am 73, my husband, also my children's father is 75. He has dementia. We have 3 grown children. Neither of us have great health. How do I apologize to my children now for the help we will get from them as time goes on? How do I handle that one does much more than the other 2? I would like to pay someone outside the family for all our needs but that is not possible. I try very very hard not to call on any of the 3. I actually enjoyed caring for both my father and my mother when the time came but it seems young people of today don't feel the way we did. Any suggestions?
Well, for starters, don't say this to your children! Maybe it's because I'm exhausted for having not slept in a week or so, with being up with my FIL at night, but this kind of struck me the wrong way. Did you REALLY enjoy it, or were there parts of it that were tiring and difficult? The fact that you want to "pre-apologize" to your kids tells me that maybe you know how difficult it can be.
Beyond that, simply having your affairs in order is a huge thing. Establish POAs, get your financial affairs in order, maybe even consider funeral arrangements ahead of time (not trying to be morbid; FIL has had his funeral arrangements paid for, years ago!)
Also, acknowledge when you can no longer do things on your own, and accept help when it's needed. That's one of the biggest things I read on this forum, and that we deal with with my FIL. He often refuses to acknowledge when he needs help (both before and after coming to live with us). We often beg Dad to just make it easy for us to help him, and accept our help. That's usually more difficult, than the actual act of whatever it is we're assisting him with.
He also apologizes ALL THE TIME. I wish he would stop. I can't tell you the number of times a day I say to Dad, "You don't have to apologize, it's okay!" So, my advice is - don't apologize. Just thank your kids for what they do for you, don't guilt the ones who don't/can't/won't help, and appreciate the one or ones who do.
Hope all that makes sense.
Also, with respect, if you and your husband are in your seventies then I don't think your children can quite qualify as Young People of Today, surely? They are adults, perhaps with families of their own, certainly with their own lives to lead. Don't demand of them more than they wish to offer.
With respect to the two children who don't help as much, I would suggest asking them outright if they don't volunteer. Don't leave that job to the one helpful child, and don't put everything on that one just because they're easier to deal with. Reluctant helpers may respond a lot better to direct requests from their parents than pressure or guilt from the sibling. And the helpful child will bless you for it.
Apologizing - I'd love just once to hear my mother say "I'm sorry to put you in this position. I wish I had done things differently." Maybe not every day but at least once in a while. And yes, appreciation helps too. Lead with that, certainly.
I hear that you enjoyed caring for your parents when the time came, but in past generation, the time usually came and went fairly quickly. Not any more. Both you and your husband are rather young and might live another few decades. Your kids could get to be your age and have similar health conditions to what you have now and still be tending to you and Dad. You can imagine that could be a strain.
About needing help. Now is the time to downsize, if you haven't already. Move to the lowest-maintenance property you can find and afford, and the closest to services such as groceries and medical. Too many elderly need extensive help simply because they insist on living in homes they can't maintain, that are too far from the services they need, when they can no longer drive, mow the lawn, clean the house, or climb the stairs. Bite the bullet and do as much as you can to spare your kids unnecessary labor and aggravation.
Finally, give back. Remember your kids' birthdays, and your grandkids'. Ask them about their day, when you see them. Take an interest in their lives. Be a support and a sounding board. Too many parents grow to think it's all about them and forget that their children are people with their own lives who are taking away from those lives to care for them. Don't make that mistake. That more than anything else is what makes caregiving a burden for so many adult children.
Then I set up a CaringBridge website where I frequently posted updates about Coy's progress and difficult decisions we faced, and how we went about making them.
No one could ever say they didn't know what was going on.
I think being open and honest with all of your children, including talking to them all at the same time or sending all of them the same email, so you are sure they all get the same message is the best way to prepare them for what might lie ahead. There is no need to apologize for getting old -- they'll do that someday, too.
About the unequal help you get. My advice always is to pay the one who helps you. Draw up a caregiving agreement spelling out what she does and what payment she will receive. This can be at a family discount compared to agency rates, but it will show her you recognize her special attentions. DO NOT promise to leave her extra in your will. Just don't go there. Pay her in the here and now. If you are communicating regularly with all of the kids, they should accept this as reasonable and fair.
Please, ask for help as you need it. Are the children who now help less living close enough to do some tasks? If it is hard for them to actually do hand-on care for their father, could they do other things to free up your time and energy? Could one come over and do your laundry Wednesday evening? The other come and mop and vacuum on Saturdays? They may not want to do these things, and that is OK, but please give them the opportunity to help.
Bless you for being so caring of your children's feelings. But there is no need to apologize, in advance or otherwise.
Where do you live? Downsizing sounds like it is in order. Do you own your house? Do not think about living with the children for an option. Consider selling to provide you cash to set yourselves up where it is easier to get help. Is Medicaid is in the picture? Get with an elder law attorney to get the necessary documents prepared.
Yes! Please acknowledge the one who helps with more than just a thank you!
If you would like to share with them how much you love them and you'd like to do this before you're unable to I suggest writing them each a letter. Not an email but a letter on paper. Tell the adult child who helps you the most where to find those letters or mail them off yourself but don't mention anything about them helping you and your husband as time goes on. Don't apologize to them in advance because you don't know that they will help you. If I had received a letter from my mom apologizing to me in advance for helping her as she aged I would have thought it was a manipulative ploy to play on my guilt and I wouldn't have liked or appreciated it.
Hold off on the apologies for now.
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