My mother-in-law who has turned 93 today is a perfect example of narcissistic personality disorder. She is a snob, racist a pathological liar and an amazing manipulator. I didn’t realise when I first met my husband 13 years ago that his mother had a personality disorder however there were alarm bells but they were missed until I was explaining about one of her woo’s (?narcissistic injury) to a friend in 2020. My husband and his sisters all confirmed that these woos regularly happened throughout their childhood. In 2021 I started to notice that parking the car was becoming an issue for a her a three point turn, was becoming a 20 point turn. There were also minor incidences where the engine was left running or her front door was left open. We live next door to her so I was keeping a watchful eye. More and more damage kept appearing on her car and in order to conceal it at one point she actually parked the car pretty much in one of the flowerbeds to try to hide it but forgot that we have security cameras and I was able to watch the whole scene. Eventually through her own doing we managed to void her driving license and get her off the road. But of course she tells everyone that it was us who stopped her driving (she had cancelled her SO for the insurance) After she was taken off the road, her cognitive decline became more obvious and we took her to the local GP surgery to be assessed where they confirmed old age Alzheimer’s/dementia 18 months ago. In the last few weeks it seems that the cognitive decline is sliding rapidly and she is no longer able to look after the house properly which led to her having a rat and mice inside. When confronted about the situation, she just laughed and says it’s all a part of living in the countryside!! The rat has managed to destroy one of her sofas and there was rat droppings everywhere. She is convinced that she does not have dementia or Alzheimer’s and that she also does not need help and in fact needs less. Currently she has a companion/cleaner who comes in once a week and was meant to take her to the supermarket however the mother-in-law has now been ordering a taxi to leave before the companion arrives because she doesn’t like her (a reoccurring theme) and also doesn’t like the fact that she controls how much food she buys last week she spent £200 for one person. No wonder we have a problem!! Thankfully we have LPA and we are taking her back to the surgery this Friday to have her mental capacity assessed. All three sisters confirmed in a call on Saturday with my husband that they feel she now needs to go into a care home. On ringing around yesterday, yes you can force someone into a car home if they don’t have mental capacity however the care home won’t necessarily except them if the patient doesn’t want to be there. We have considered moving out of the annex however we have a 10-year-old daughter so we are reluctant to do so as this would mean moving back to our flat an hour away from where we are now. Looking back at previous blogs, I can see others had similar situations so my question is how did they manage to convince the self-centred MIL with dementia to go into a care home?
I doubt you will EVER convince her of ANYthing. Don't give that much more energy; you don't have energy to spare.
I think you know that already after the automobile debacle.
She will indeed need to be entered into care, however that is done in the UK, with her son being next of kin and managing that. Sooner the better.
This will have to be done for her own safety now, and for your own lives.
IF for some reason that cannot be done? I recommend a camera set up in her home and monitoring by you from your home. At her age SOMEthing will happen. Often a fall is the harbinger of the beginning-of-the-end.
This is all self-limiting. She would likely live longer in care, and live a shorter span without it (more falls, accidents, perhaps even wandering away at some point). But the end result, no matter what you do, will be the same. Eventually she will become ill enough, weak enough, demented enough that the "choice to leave" will be off the books. She will be entered into care in a locked facility. Or she will die before that can happen.
I would say that the most important things for you:
A) Never take her into your own home
B) Stay communicative and on the same page with hubby
C) See to it this doesn't rob you of your own lives; be protective of yourselves.
D) Make use of NHS to the full extent you are able.
Since you don't seem to be in the US, I don't know if any further will be applicable so if you let us know where you live then others on this global forum may be able to guide you.