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Who are you caring for?
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How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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If she requires this, and you are unable to do this, then you will now need caregivers (horrific in expense round the clock) or she will need placement. It is sometimes the case for people. There's little that you can do about it. I am so sorry.
Same. I can't clean people. For several reasons. I know millions of caregivers go through the motions out of love or duty or whatever, and they don't like it, but they are forced to do it. I can't and I don't. No matter how many people tell me to "deal with it" or "grow up" or "get over it". I am not Florence Nightingale. I don't wipe or scrub bodily fluids off body parts. It's hard enough to make eye contact with other humans and to answer phone calls. I cringe when people hug me.
That said, I must depend on other people to clean up. It costs a whole lot. I would work 3 jobs if I had to, just to pay for caregivers.
I’m guessing you’re afraid to be alone with mom because you fear being placed in the position of cleaning or changing her. If that’s it, understand we all have our limits, this is yours, and it’s okay. Accept it, it’s not a character flaw. More people would be wise to know what they cannot handle.
Time for placement . She will get washed there and behavior managed with meds . You can’t live in fear of her and be her caregiver .It’s ok to stop hands on caregiving .
Don't be hard on yourself. I was the same way with my dad before he went to a facility. I think I was judged by a member of his side of the family about it but this does not make you a bad person. Some people feel uncomfortable doing it and it is ok! Some people can not handle the hands on part of care giving and I'm one of them.
If you can not care for her you have 2 options. 1. Hire a caregiver that will come daily to help with her care. (If you need help over night then that can also be arranged.) Mom pays for the caregivers NOT you. 2. Place mom in a facility that will meet her needs. the options there would be Assisted Living or if mom has dementia then Memory Care.
You can learn to care for someone. but there are some people that have limits as to what they can do, or will do. I call that your "line in the sand" . First though is safety if you are not safe caring for anyone or if they are not safe with you caring for them then you have to hire someone to do what you are unable to do or you place them. It is not a failure but it is accepting that their care is beyond what you can personally do.
If she needs care with changing and toileting, that is beyond assisted living and possibly memory care. Unless you hire your own private caregiver to come to her facility to help her. You pay out of pocket on top of assisted living. Memory care may help with some hygiene but of course, costs more. Full incontinence care may mean paying for nursing home/skilled nursing care or private pay home care. It all costs $$$. Or qualify for Medicaid if the person has no or very little assets.
May I ask what it is your afraid of while being alone with her. That information may be useful to give you a more accurate suggestion. Is your health an issue? You would be very right to not want to topple-over yourself while caring for her. If you can't physically help her you are still needed to oversee her care, or enlist help for that work. That effort and responsibility is a great kindness in itself. There are good reasons many folks are unable or unwilling to help parents. We don't have to do the caring directly when we can't. It's ok to just make sure that they are being cared for by way of; safe shelter, a clean place to sleep, they are kept clean, kept dry and warm, and fed regularly. Sometimes this thing must be done more for us than for them.
A few questions Is mom using the toilet or are you changing her in bed? Is mom fully incontinent? A bidet toilet seat can be a great help. A commode can help with cleaning her as the "bucket" can be removed leaving the bottom exposed for easier cleaning. And if you have a walk in shower and a hand help shower wand that can make cleaning easier. If you are changing her in bed it is a matter of wipes, gloves and practice.
BUT..all this does not help your fear of being alone with her. Is the fear because you will get hurt? Or you will hurt her? Or that you will not do a "good job"? Maybe it is time to consider placing mom in a facility that can care for her with staff 24/7.
We all have something we can't deal with. You really shouldn't feel bad about it.
I can deal with stuff like that - I did and still do - but I couldn't deal with cutting toenails! Thankfully, my stepsister has always taken on that job when she comes up for a visit (her dad's toenails could shatter bulletproof glass from a hundred paces 😂)
If you are your mum's main carer, though, it's time to look into an alternative care plan for your mum.
FYI Medicare will pay for toenail clipping every 9 weeks. The podiatrist also looks over feet and ankles for swelling other abnormalities so good other check for elderly.
Thanks for sharing and I completely understand how you feel. I took care of my elderly mother for the last four years of her life on a full-time basis, and that required that I help her with toileting, cleaning her, and bathing her. As it was very difficult for me to clean her in her private areas, I finally hired a nurse to help me learn how to clean my mom so as to accomplish three goals. The first was to learn how to maneuver my mom so as to keep her comfortable and maintain her dignity. The second was to learn how to clean her properly. The last was to accept, and even embrace, the uncomfortable nature of cleaning my mom. I can’t say that I actually got over the unpleasantness but having a professional work with me allowed me to keep my mom at home with me.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
It is sometimes the case for people. There's little that you can do about it. I am so sorry.
I can't and I don't.
No matter how many people tell me to "deal with it" or "grow up" or "get over it". I am not Florence Nightingale. I don't wipe or scrub bodily fluids off body parts. It's hard enough to make eye contact with other humans and to answer phone calls. I cringe when people hug me.
That said, I must depend on other people to clean up. It costs a whole lot. I would work 3 jobs if I had to, just to pay for caregivers.
She will get washed there and behavior managed with meds .
You can’t live in fear of her and be her caregiver .It’s ok to stop hands on caregiving .
1. Hire a caregiver that will come daily to help with her care. (If you need help over night then that can also be arranged.) Mom pays for the caregivers NOT you.
2. Place mom in a facility that will meet her needs. the options there would be Assisted Living or if mom has dementia then Memory Care.
You can learn to care for someone. but there are some people that have limits as to what they can do, or will do. I call that your "line in the sand" . First though is safety if you are not safe caring for anyone or if they are not safe with you caring for them then you have to hire someone to do what you are unable to do or you place them. It is not a failure but it is accepting that their care is beyond what you can personally do.
There are good reasons many folks are unable or unwilling to help parents.
We don't have to do the caring directly when we can't. It's ok to just make sure that they are being cared for by way of; safe shelter, a clean place to sleep, they are kept clean, kept dry and warm, and fed regularly.
Sometimes this thing must be done more for us than for them.
Is mom using the toilet or are you changing her in bed?
Is mom fully incontinent?
A bidet toilet seat can be a great help.
A commode can help with cleaning her as the "bucket" can be removed leaving the bottom exposed for easier cleaning. And if you have a walk in shower and a hand help shower wand that can make cleaning easier.
If you are changing her in bed it is a matter of wipes, gloves and practice.
BUT..all this does not help your fear of being alone with her.
Is the fear because you will get hurt? Or you will hurt her? Or that you will not do a "good job"?
Maybe it is time to consider placing mom in a facility that can care for her with staff 24/7.
I can deal with stuff like that - I did and still do - but I couldn't deal with cutting toenails! Thankfully, my stepsister has always taken on that job when she comes up for a visit (her dad's toenails could shatter bulletproof glass from a hundred paces 😂)
If you are your mum's main carer, though, it's time to look into an alternative care plan for your mum.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
Medicare will pay for toenail clipping every 9 weeks. The podiatrist also looks over feet and ankles for swelling other abnormalities so good other check for elderly.
Thanks for sharing and I completely understand how you feel. I took care of my elderly mother for the last four years of her life on a full-time basis, and that required that I help her with toileting, cleaning her, and bathing her. As it was very difficult for me to clean her in her private areas, I finally hired a nurse to help me learn how to clean my mom so as to accomplish three goals. The first was to learn how to maneuver my mom so as to keep her comfortable and maintain her dignity. The second was to learn how to clean her properly. The last was to accept, and even embrace, the uncomfortable nature of cleaning my mom. I can’t say that I actually got over the unpleasantness but having a professional work with me allowed me to keep my mom at home with me.
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