I recently moved my mother from assisted living to memory care due to needing extra care with diagnosed dementia, is wheelchair bound and needs extra care for everything. She is not settling well. I am working with the staff to try and make things an easier transition, but she is so angry ... with me and everyone. She is verbally and somewhat physically (she hits me) abusive to me. She has always been not accepting of things she does not have control over, ever since I was a child. I usually leave in tears when I visit (which is daily) and I understand that I am family and she can take things out on me. Her care team has started her on recommended medication, but she fights that as well. She calls me many times a day but won't say anything because she can't hear on the phone and won't use her hearing aids. So I just sit and listen to make sure she is alright. I am unemployed right now having lost my job and seem to be focused on Mom. I guess my question is, Any success stories of how to navigate something like this? I want her to have a good quality of life but I don't know how much more I can take. And yes, I have heard - she took care of me so I should take care of her. And I don't blame her for this but it still is debilitaing. Thank you.
Dump the notion that you want mom to have a good quality of life. Dementia is a lose lose situation for all concerned and with women who love to be miserable, there is no "good quality of life" unless they learn gratitude. Which ain't happening. They, btw, chose to have us and to care for us and watch us grow into productive members of society. It is not our job or our obligation to care for them in old age and dementia bc they cared for us. We care because we want to, but not to our own detriment. You need to look after yourself in the process of worrying about mother. She's fine. And saving all her nastiest behavior for YOU. Which is unwarranted as its not your fault she's old or demented or living in MC. It's life on life's terms. My mother could've been living in the Palace of Versailles and finding something to complain about. Not my problem.
The other suggestion I have is to bring your husband or a friend with you when you visit. The vitriol seems to go down a notch or two when an outsider is present. Answer the phone once a day and hang up if there's nobody on the other end. Mother can leave a message or get used to the fact that you'll call her once a day at X time. If she can't hear you, then don't call at all. And if that's the case, why dies she have a phone in her room??? My mother was mostly deaf too and I could write a book on the chaos and angst that caused me. 🙄
Remember, you're not the bad guy here even though you've been assigned the name tag. Visits and interactions are always fraught with stress and stomach aches, so keep them to a minimum. That should help mother acclimate as much as possible. As soon as my mother found other residents to dislike and beatch about, that made her life in MC better.
You also need a break , again visiting everyday is too much .
I can’t say when or if Mom will accept this . You are not responsible for her happiness . You did not cause her problems and you can’t fix it .
Do not answer the phone every time . Let it go to voicemail . You listen to messages at your convenience . The facility will
call you if there is a problem .
You are correct that dementia is debilitating for you and your Mom . Mom is in care.
Your life matters too . Take care of you .
Often the adult child is the trigger for the extreme behavior. The patient behaves more calmly around the staff and other residents. So stop visiting for a while. Mute your phone. You can set her phone to not make calls after a certain time at night so you don't wake up to a flurry of missed calls and angry voicemails.
Taking care of your mom does not mean destroying your own mental and physical health. She is safe and being cared for. Take yourself out of the line of fire and enable her to adjust.. It's good for you but also good for her to not get so agitated by seeing you. I'm sorry, it's a rough time. Let us know how it goes.
Perhaps her medical team could give her the drugs that she's fighting in pudding or other food or drink that she likes. Ask them about it. Then stop going there so often. Those visits aren't good for her or for you. I wish you luck in extricating yourself from this bad situation.
You should not endure abuse. Leave if she attempts it.
You are visiting too often.
Give the meds time to work. It may not be the right meds the first time. It may take a while to figure out which specific meds and in what dosage or combination. It may take a few weeks to a month.
"I want her to have a good quality of life"
What does this mean to you? That she's happy and engaged socially? Cooperative? Getting top-notch care? Her dementia will prevent much of this from happening so you need to stop projecting your concept of "good" and "quality" onto her situation. Sometimes it means she is complying with taking meds, so that she's more calm and less depressed/agitated; is not taking swings at people; is eating enough and allows herself to be wheeled to the commons areas; is protected, is being nurished/hydrated, is being tended to so that she's not getting bedsores; etc. Her being hard of hearing with no hearing aids will be a hinderance to socialization with others.
Of course you care deeply about her and her wellbeing but as a Mother of 3 men I wouldn't want them subjecting themselves to this type of stress for my sake. I'd want them to be at peace that I'm receiving appropriate care, that they will visit me when they wish to, and that they'd be living healthy and happy lives and not letting my circumstances be a dark cloud over them constantly.
Many elders don't have children as attentive as you. You don't need to fret or feel guilty. You're doing your best. May you receive peace in your heart every day.
You have lost your job, can't focus on your own life and will start your own downhill slide if you don't try to accept Mom's situation as reality. What if something happens to you? Who is going to help you? Just because Mom is "family" doesn't mean you must tolerate her abuse. Not all families are the Waltons, either. Mom will only get worse, there is no going back.
Nobody likes getting old and facing death. But it is a fact of life! Your Mom has had a long, amazing life for 92 years. She is upset since she knows it is ending. Nobody likes to face that FACT.
You have gone beyond the call and Mom is in a safe place. She is cared for, fed and kept clean by a 24/7 staff of professionals. She is acting out in desperation, and her medical team has dealt with this many times. It's not fair to you, especially since you care and only want to help her be happy. Sorry, but she isn't going to ever be happy again, this is real life, not a Hallmark movie. Mom has a broken brain from dementia, and can't control her anger at her situation. You said she always gets upset at things out of her control, and this one is BIG.
You need to back off and let them handle Mom. Usually the Caregiver is the trigger that upsets the dementia patient. She believes YOU are who has put her in a dreaded nursing home, and are the only one who could get her out. It's a big adjustment, since this move will be probably be her last.
Time for you to get back to getting a job and taking care of yourself. Mom is in a safe place with 24/7 care. You did the right thing, don't beat yourself up or feel guilty, since you did not cause Mom to get old or have dementia. That is in nobody's control. Sorry you are dealing with this, it's never easy.
Check on Mom from a distance, don't visit daily, don't answer her calls. The facility will call you if there is an emergency. I would think it's time to consider Hospice for Mom. Keep us posted!
I’m surprised they didn’t tell you to not visit for 2 weeks.
You can call the nurses daily and check on her.
There is no answer.
You are not responsible.
Not everything can be fixed.
This is worth your mourning and your tears, and if this isn't then nothing in the world is.
I am so very sorry. Those who do not live long enough to experience this are lucky.
I am so sorry.