Since my mom moved into AL a couple years ago, my MIL passed away, my husband retired and we moved, I was hoping for a “new life” Now as empty nesters we don’t have anyone needing our full attention. Well, recently my husband got sick & was in the hospital a couple times so I’ve been very stressed as he still isn’t back to himself yet. I’m having to do mostly everything at home and taking care of some of his needs as he tris to get back to normal. Not sure when that’ll be. I’m still taking my 92 yo mom to her appts and she still asks more of me but when I can I will get around to helping her. Nothing is an emergency, but I know she will never understand any stress I’m under by her or anyone else. I’ve given up trying to explain. I feel all this is taking its toll on me. I’ve been so stressed that I’ve been crying, having headaches and cramps when I’m not supposed to be getting them anymore but that’s what stress does to me as in the past when my mom lived with me. I’ve got to be everything for everyone including my elderly dog and my adult son who has his own issues for the past five years but is living on his own. I’ve taken everyone’s troubles on my shoulders and been a caregiver when needed. I can’t take much more or It’ll do me in. I don’t know what to do because it’s not like any of it will stop. In time yes but as far as the immediate I’m needed by everyone in some way. I never was anywhere as stressed at all when I had four kids at home. Now that we are empty nesters I’m more stressed now than ever in my life. This was the time we were supposed to be enjoying life. Now I’m wondering what’s next. I’m mostly venting. It’s been tough especially the past five years since my dad passed away. It seems like it’s always been something and I can’t rest into life anymore. My moms podiatrist yesterday offered to go to my mom's AL facility ($70 a visit) a few times a year and said that way I don’t have to bring her. But my mom said she didn’t want to pay the money, yet when I do take her to appts she wants to go out to eat and spends more than that each time. She doesn’t care about any toll anything takes on me.
Since your mom is already in assisted living, do as other posters have suggested — *let them assist her.* She doesn’t live with you, thank heavens, so you can walk away. You’re right that she will likely never understand what this is costing you — I know my mom never did. But you can appeal to her maternal love by saying that you are utterly exhausted and worried about your husband, and you need to let others step in to help her when possible, even if it’s not ideal. Let her feel she’s doing you a favor. And then take advantage of everything the AL can offer, without feeling one moment of guilt.
Caregiving can be hell, even under the best of circumstances. The stress is unreal. I too had headaches and near-constant anxiety and muscle pain; sometimes my jaw would even lock shut. This forum was very helpful in providing guidance and solidarity. But it’s just incredibly hard. We see you and your efforts. You are a loving wife, daughter, and mother, and your family is blessed to have you. You can’t make this stress disappear, but please grab all the low-hanging fruit you can when it comes to getting help. And let us know how you’re doing.
Tell Mom that the doctor will be coming to the AL. I would also see if the AL has transportation to her other appts. Can she go alone. I may even see if she can cut back on appts. My Mom was going every 2 months to her PCP. She was only on Cholesterol and High Blood pressure meds. I stopped those visits. If a specialist, once they are stable with them, every 6 months or even a year should be enough. They milk Medicare. If Medicare pays for so many visits a year, Drs will take advantage of that.
Are Moms needs really that important? I can see needing to get her depends if she uses them. Her toiletries. Maybe u will just need to order them on-line and have them sent to her. Otherwise, she is fed and cared for. Tell her "sorry Mom but DH needs me more. You have staff that can help you. He doesn't, just me.
You set the boundaries, not Mom.
Actually you don't.
The fastest way to unload your shoulders of everyone's troubles is to ask them for help with something when they ask you for something. Watching their hasty retreat and hearing the excuses they come up with can be entertaining, and soon your shoulders will be less burdened. Use this strategy for people who are taking advantage of you.
In the case of your mom wanting to go out after appointments, "I'm sorry, Mom, there just isn't time to take you to lunch after this appointment. If you would use the podiatrist/salon/etc. at your place, we'd have more time for fun things like going out to lunch. Which would you rather do?" Our elders reach a point where it's no longer possible to reason with them, but we can give them the illusion of control when we present them with a choice (any of which must work for you).
You might have enjoyed the validation you received from being needed, but now it's drowning you. Ever heard the expression "give an inch and they'll take a yard"? That's what's happening, and you need to step back and re-draw your boundaries to a level where you do not feel taken advantage of.
Your health and sanity depend on it, and you deserve it. You'll also being doing this FOR all those who depend on you, because if you're ill or dead, they'll really be in a pickle.
I hope you will do all that you can to reduce your burdens so you can rest and gain back some serenity, some fun, some optimism. You deserve it for all the work you've done for others for so long. Let us know how things go and how you're doing.
In fact, that's part of the problem. You are way too involved with her. You allowed it to happen; you can make it unhappen. Her social needs could be met by more interaction with people at her AL. If she's with you, she's not bonding with them. Her talking needs could be met by them too. Once a week would be enough of seeing her. Limit phone calls. Be busy with something else when mom needs something. Spend more time with your husband. Go to lunch with somebody besides mom. Think about somebody besides mom.
She's your mom. She's a tough habit to break. But as long as YOU let her monopolize your life, you'll keep stressing. It doesn't have to be like that.
The stress could kill you before your mother.
stop letting your mother call the shots. She will have to pay for the podiatrist to come to her OR SHE DOESNT GO TO THE PODIATRIST.
You aren't responsible for any or all of those people. But you have to accept whatever their solutions are that are *not you*. If you can't accept this, then please know you are choosing the stress you are experiencing.
You aren't responsible for their happiness. You can't choose your family members. You didn't create their problems and you cannot fix them. You do not need to be the only solution.
If you need help finding boundaries and dealing with guilt then please go see a therapist who will give you an objective perspective on things.
And who said that you have "to be everything for everyone" besides you? Do you not realize just how ridiculous that is? NO ONE can be everything for everyone. NO ONE!
The sooner you learn that the more peace you will have in your life.
And I'm sure that the reason your mom "doesn't care" about the toll it's taking on you is because you have yet to put on your big girl pants and tell her about the toll it's taking.
You are going to have to learn to set much needed boundaries and quit letting people walk all over you, and learn how to say NO. It's such a short simple word, yet it holds such power. Try it sometime, I guarantee you will like it.
So when you're done reading this you call moms podiatrist and set up for them to go to her AL. That will be a great place to start in you taking back the reigns of this one life you have to live.
Mom does not get to force you to take her there or anywhere else .
You do as much or as little as you want ..Mom doesn’t get to rule your life . Stop letting her guilt trip you . You did not make her old and need assisted living .
Assisted living usually will be able to take Mom to appts as well for a fee . If so , tell Mom she will have to do this since your husband needs you .
As you know, logically, some of this can be eliminated. For instance, a grown SON?
He should be helping, not adding to. And you are going to have to insist upon that if you want change.
I would consider going to a good cognitive therapist. I think that we often plunder along on habitual reactions and habitual reactions. As onerous as they can be, they represent the "known" and change is very scary for us, and often causes those close to us to react negatively, something which the caregivers among us are often afraid of.
Do seek help for yourself; you deserve it.