Keeping it brief I hope. 91 yr old mom needs help getting to bed, but when I tuck her in she gets up 3-4 more times for water, a piece of bread, potty, etc. I feel she's afraid to go to sleep because she's afraid of dying alone. We're also dealing with sundowning. I know she's getting closer every day and hospice is coming to evaluate her for care. Hubs and I can't leave her alone and it's putting added stress on us. Should I just suck it up for whatever time she has left or are there things that have helped others that I might try?
I would discuss this with your mother's doctors to idea what to try. Some can be helped and some cannot.
You say that you "feel" she's afraid to go to sleep and to die alone, but perhaps it's you that has that fear and are projecting it on your mom. Just a thought.
If your moms care is getting to be too much for you, your husband and your marriage then you may have to look into placing her in the appropriate facility. Hospice can help you with that if needed.
I would start though with talking to her doctor about prescribing a medication that might help her sleep better.
Not only do I know her brain is broken, I also know that her heart is broken, and her spirit is broken. She has confided repeatedly that she IS afraid to die because she believes my dad is mad at her because she fell asleep and was not with him when he died. She also thinks that her sister and brother will make fun of her because she is still alive and they died before she did. Is it irrational because of her "broken" brain? Yes, I know that very well. Does it make it any easier to see her struggling and want to do anything possible to help her? Facilities that she can afford within an hours drive are full due to staffing issues. Hospice has offered limited help with better hygeine care (two times a week).
Her doctors and I work closely to monitor her mental health and have tried multiple antidepressants, non addictive sleep aids, and anti anxiety meds to no avail.
I wasn't looking for judgement. I was hoping for a bit of encouragement and ideas that maybe someone who has lived this kind of life might have to help. My deepest apologies for not including all of the details of what all has been tried since I was trying to be brief with my question.
Until today, this has been a helpful and encouraging forum.
they are trained in this
tell them all you’ve said here
maybe your mother needs calming anxiety tablets
they can support you all well
speak to them
We have people here who are believers in one god and another and people who don't believe in any god.
A very diverse group, Johna, and welcome.
I read your expanded response. I can see your frustration. You are looking for a way to calm mom's anxiety.
I don't know why you are avoiding non-addictive sleep aids. At this point in her life, I don't think that is a concern.
For sundowning, and her reluctance to go to sleep, you might try keeping the lights on, not insisting she go to sleep, but let her stay awake, with TV on, until she falls asleep. Yes, you may just have to "suck it up" as you put it, for the time she has left. Can hospice provide an overnight aide to help her in and out of bed?
I too tried multiple anti-anxiety meds for my husband, without much success.
Here's what worked best for him: Trazodone before bedtime has a very calming effect, and is very safe, and non addictive. I have now added a second medication, Depakote. Together, these will put him to sleep in 30 minutes.
I wish you well. Keep in mind, as difficult as it is, this too, shall pass. Go ahead and spend time with your mother, even if it means late nights. Instead of seeing it as a disturbance, look forward to spending quiet nights sitting by her side and talking, sharing memories, reading to her, or watching a movie together.
This will disrupt your usual routine, but only for a limited time. Find time during the day to nap. For a year or two, I slept until 10 am, because I was up most of the night. I was exhausted and it was horrible. The medications helped a lot, and now we are on a good sleep routine.
Consistency in her routine is another tip for dealing with a broken brain. Whatever you do, keep it the same every night. Break her current habit by replacing it with something new. She likely feels compelled to repeat this sequence of events every night.
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