Mother had three one hour visits a day from a home care agency who now say they can't staff these and she has become rude and difficult and carers don't want to go in and have said she needs some respite care. Manager of her retirement development thinks she now needs a nursing home. I am awaiting GP assessment which was begun but discontinued during covid period. I have had to take her, crying and protesting and against her will, to a nursing home while things are sorted out. She is saying I have kidnapped her and am spending her money (on the home) without her consent - the latter of which is true but I have LPA. She insists she is going home (she wouldn't be able to arrange this herself and wouldn't be able to cope without carers). A family member has said this is illegal and I am out of order as she hasn't been assessed for mental capacity yet. What else could I do? I couldn't move in with her as I have carer responsibilities at home. The family member says I should have found another agency, or used two different agencies. When the two weeks of respite are up I can't take her home without carers in place and in my view full-time care is now needed as she wasn't coping well when alone - constant phone calls and confusion but also with good, lucid days which seem to have convinced some family members that she is okay. Show-timing maybe. Anyone else been in this position? I need advice.
Im sure a lot people here will agree that finding the right caregiver can be a long process. If your mom can stay at home she’ll be happier but give her a caveat that she will have to have someone with her, someone she chooses, not you. And then start interviewing. We went though 15 before we found two that mom got along with. One I almost fired for a mistake but decided no. And she turned out to be wonderful and stayed til the end. Choosing the right caregiver is a long process and look outside of agencies. Agencies usually take 30% to 70% if caregiver pay so there are a lot of very good independents looking for work and they know how to handle dementia.
Dont try to take on more than you can handle get help from your siblings. The one who griped, get them to come sit with your mom for a few days. Good luck
It is no part of your responsibilities to move in with your mother and provide for her daily care needs, whether or not you have other inescapable commitments. Sit easy on that point.
Family members such as you describe can be a thorn in one's side. So she thinks you should have found an alternative "package of care," does she? Oh right. And she knows where to get one, does she? No. Thought not.
Is she just tiresome or can she create meaningful trouble?
It does sound as though in a way you have ‘kidnapped her’, but you can’t see alternatives, at least none that are likely to work (eg multiple agencies). That’s why you should pass the responsibility for finding alternatives to your family member. And if they continue to say that it’s ‘illegal’ suggest that they go to the police about it! It is inevitable that the police will ask them what they suggest should be done about it all, so they need to get ready for that..
Don't wait for the GP's assessment. You already know the problems and truthfully, there isn't much the GP can do anyway. From what you're telling us, she probably ought to be in assisted living. However, that's costly. So, what can you do?
Let me give you some online resources from the real experts:
Karen Stobbe: Website http://www.in-themoment.net/karen-stobbe.html
Videos: https://youtu.be/RyQz3RvUB0c
Teepa Snow: Website https://teepasnow.com
Videos: https://youtu.be/MA9s2vZflw4
And I invite you to contact me as well (I'm a dementia/Alzheimer's expert)
So far, medical remedies have had very limited to no effects on cognitive disorders. Dementia is a behavioral and emotional issue more than a physical disorder. Even if a person does experience a memory boost from a medication, the most important "remedy" is for his/her carers to understand effective approaches and communication. There are a few of us who specialize in this field. We all have had years on-the-ground/hands-on experience.